Chasing vs. Pursuing a Romantic Interest: Recognize the Difference and Avoid the Trap

How should I react when they hours to text me back?

I have been seeing him for three months, and we haven’t put a label on our dynamic.

I like our dynamic and want to be on the same page about the future.

I want this to work out. How do I work toward a solution?

I can bet that you have said these comments and questions, or you can think of an example where a friend approached you saying these statements.

Without recognizing it, there is a difference in the statements and questions above.

Certain ones are from people who are pursuing a healthy dynamic, and the rest come from those who are hopelessly chasing love.

Curious about which one belongs to whom? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

It is hard to bypass your emotions and go after relationships and love.

It’s blinding and can consume our energy if we don’t recognize when something is going well or is a waste of time.

You wonder what is wrong with you or if the other person is all in.

It’s draining unless you can spot the differences before you invest too much energy.

Luckily, there are some signs you can look out for to get ahead of the game.

First things first

I allow readers to reach out to me with questions they have regarding a dynamic that they are in.

There is something that becomes a differentiator between the questions I receive.

Some readers will ask me how they achieve results: values, beliefs, and aligned interests in a relationship. Other readers will contact me asking how they can get someone to commit an action to help their relationship.

That is the initial difference I want you to note as we continue.

When you are chasing, you value the person you want to pursue instead of the outcome. It’s a mistake that can have detrimental results.

Your needs and boundaries cannot shape-shift because you desperately want someone.

Pursuit is about going after what you want.

Chasing is about going after who you want.

Pursuit is about outcomes.

Chasing is about gratification.

I see it all the time.

Going after an outcome instead of a person will show you someone’s value in your life.

The problem is that we get consumed by ideas of who someone is or could be instead of who they have presented themselves to be.

The outcome should be your focus. The right person will align with those values.

The test

The next time you find yourself going back and forth trying to figure out the signs someone is showing you, take a quick pause and do something that will show immediate results.

Return the energy.

Instead of going out of your way to send texts, do little cute gestures, “show that you care,” stop.

I am not saying to become cold, mean, and angry, but pay attention to what happens when you strip your attention away.

I describe pursuit as a tennis match. I hit the ball, and you hit the ball back. Are there times when someone has to put more effort into returning the ball? Yes. The ball is going back and forth, tho. (don’t even think about commenting about how tennis ends)

Stop trying to gain someone’s appreciation and take a break to see if they hit the ball back.

Do you know how much information you can find by not continuously being the one to try and make plans? Avoid sending the initial text in the morning and see what happens.

When you chase, you will always feel the weight of progressing the dynamic, and that is not the position you want to be in.

Boogeyman

I want to make this last point with a heart full of love but with a stern voice.

Stop being so damn scared to be alone.

When you pursue an outcome and don’t find it within a dynamic, it can still have an emotional effect, but you can walk away knowing it was not serving you or the other person.

When you’re desperate and chasing the idea of being alone forever, not hitting your timeline, and not checking off the boxes, race through your mind.

You are filling your mind with the idea of not having someone rather than being okay with holding out until you find what you want.

When you know what you are pursuing, you learn to accept being single as a blessing.

When you’re chasing, you feel you are unfulfilled or not living up to your best ability.

It is rooted in your scarcity mindset.

How many times have you chased after someone, got into a dynamic with them, and in the end, it was never what you thought it would turn into?

You were not going after the right thing.

I love a good metaphor, but it is like someone who chased money their whole life, hit the lottery, and was miserable.

It was never about the money.

Stop chasing. It is not about the person. Go after the outcome you deserve.

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If you want to learn more ways to avoid chasing or getting rejected by someone you’re romantically interested in, click here

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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