Why do men seem to get off easily for cheating while women face the harshest of penalties and blame? Andrew Lawes has a few ideas.
—
There are really two main reasons women are given less forgiveness and more shame when caught cheating. The first are social and cultural norms – what is sometimes call ‘the patriarchy’ or ‘male privilege’ – and the other is basic evolutionary genetics. At an instinctual level, men are hunters and women are homebuilders. From caveman times through thousands of years until fairly recently, the men went out and obtained the basic needs – food in primitive cultures, money in more advanced societies – and then the women took what the man could provide and made it something that could sustain a family unit. In modern times, these boundaries have blurred somewhat, but it remains that they are ingrained in our consciousness at a base level, then reinforced subconsciously and/or subliminally. Whether we have evolved this way because of our culture, or our culture has evolved this way because of our genetics, is harder to define.
Through the perspective of the male being, at his core, a hunting animal, when adultery occurs the very core response, before the male can apply intelligence, nuance and emotion, is that the hunter male sees the cheating female as ‘spoiled meat’. An animal in the wild wouldn’t eat a rotting carcass, nor would it bring it back to the rest of the pack. We must remember that, for all our consciousness, intelligence and awareness, the human being is an animal; in times of crisis, we revert to our most instinctual and animalistic behaviours. We either fight – by blaming others to defend our position – or we take flight and leave the situation.
It’s also possible that women are more emotionally intelligent and advanced than males, which makes it easier for them to accept character flaws and blame themselves.
|
Of course, maybe it isn’t that men find it too hard to forgive, but rather that females forgive too easily. The reason could lie in the role of the homebuilder female – to take what the hunter has gathered and use it to create the best environment for the family. If the hunter can only find limited meat, the homebuilder makes the best of it and hopes for more meat tomorrow. When it’s said that “women forgive for the sake of the kids”, this is essentially an acknowledgement that they have a poor amount of meat, but hope for a greater amount the next day. The meat, in this case, representing a partner who does not cheat on them. It’s also possible that women are more emotionally intelligent and advanced than males, which makes it easier for them to accept character flaws and blame themselves. This may have roots in genetics, but it is, without doubt, a result of cultural institutionalisation. Essentially, the world has told women that they are wrong and men are right for so long that at an instinctual level, they learn to accept that as truth and work within those parameters.
♦◊♦
How do you explain the men who do forgive? These males tend to do so either because, a) they have higher levels of emotional intelligence and are able to see more nuance to the situation; b) because they are scared of the grief, stress and lifestyle change that accompanies a relationship break-up; or c) they now see the situation as an alpha-male competition with the other man to ‘win’ the affections of the woman concerned. Sometimes, however, it’s just because people are unable to fully process the trauma associated with unfaithfulness; like grief after death, it can take months or years to work through the conflicting emotions one feels in such times.
Couples often argue about flirtatious behaviour with strangers, and you often hear men defend themselves by saying, “I was just talking to them”.
|
Studies have shown that women focus more on the emotional aspect of the infidelity while men focus on the physical realm. Women tend to have a greater need to be the emotional sounding board for men; feeling replaceable in this regard is a much deeper pain than a physical act. Couples often argue about flirtatious behaviour with strangers, and you often hear men defend themselves by saying, “I was just talking to them”. You were making eye contact. You were smiling, you were laughing, perhaps even making brief physical contact. Your interaction with, and reaction to, another woman is analyzed far more by what you do than what you say.
That’s not to say the words aren’t important; revealing more of your vulnerabilities verbally to another woman, whether stranger or old friend, plays into the sense of emotional infidelity. While these factors affect men also, males primarily focus on how flirtation and confiding lead to the act of sexual betrayal with emotional considerations take on a secondary role.
So why are women shamed for infidelity and promiscuity in a way that males are not? Body chemistry, societal evolution and our base instincts have combined over time to create a society where the male is the dominant figure. In the animal kingdom, it is rare that the alpha is challenged; as such, the other woman takes much of the blame for the infidelity. The popular trope of the man with his brains in his boxer shorts is based around this; with the subtle implication that the woman knows what she is doing, whereas the man is blinded and less at fault. This is most famously demonstrated in the Bible, in the story of Adam, Eve, the snake with the apple, with the central themes echoed in our apportioning of blame today.
Trust is not an emotion; trust is something you actively do.
|
Men allow this narrative because it benefits them while also reasserting the patriarchal narrative; women accept it because blaming the other woman makes it easier to maintain the family unit. Whether it is the male of the relationship engaging with an outside woman or the female partner being unfaithful with another man, the females are disproportionately blamed. Women know exactly what they are doing whereas men are deceived, or so the false narrative goes. This standard needs to change, though whether it ever will is a debatable topic.
♦◊♦
In the aftermath of infidelity, many people say they ‘will never trust again’, but this isn’t strictly true. Trust is not an emotion; trust is something you actively do. When you go through your partner’s mobile phone or Facebook messages, you are making a choice to distrust them. If they go out with their friends, and you accuse them of infidelity, you are choosing to distrust them. To trust is to choose to believe without evidence being needed. To trust is to give someone the benefit of the doubt. When someone has been the victim of adultery in the past, there are certain situations that trigger feelings of insecurity within the individual. So often people depend on their partner to remove these feelings, but this is impossible.
The insecure can only become confident through their own actions; through not talking and questioning when these feelings arise. People could trust again, if they could lose the need for the other person to validate and manage their own fears and emotions about the relationship. Trust is something you do, not something you feel. Often the emotion being felt is fear of potential grief to come, not lack of trust, but it is understandable that people confuse the two.
The point is that there is plenty of blame to go around.
|
It is easier to blame others than to look at ourselves, but if we want to move forward, self-reflection is crucial. There are underlying reasons and causes that build up to an act of infidelity. Ego and personal coping strategies mean most people cannot accept responsibility for their role in creating an atmosphere conducive to cheating. They need someone to blame, and this is why relationships struggle to recover.
At the start, you were working together to build a successful union, whereas afterwards the victim often expects the cheater to do all the work towards repairing the relationship. The harsh truth is that if someone was having their emotional needs met, they would not cheat on their partners. While the infidelity is a horrendous betrayal, the person cheated on, if they want to rebuild the relationship, also has to look at their own behaviour in the time leading up to the act of unfaithfulness and change it. Of course, if someone feels their needs aren’t being met, they should communicate with their partner or leave the relationship rather than inflict the damage of betrayal on another. The point is that there is plenty of blame to go around.
Many choose to end the relationship, and given how deep the betrayal can go, that is often the best course of action. The vast majority of relationships end in a break-up; indeed, every relationship everyone has ever been in, with the exception of their present one, has ended, and the people involved made it through, recovered and learned to love again, even if the love they give afterwards is altered.
…until we do, women will continue to be disproportionately shamed and the unfaithful will be continue to be enabled in their behaviours.
|
A relationship where both people can accept the other person’s flaws, weaknesses and insecurities, as well as their own, is far more likely to succeed than two ‘soul mates’. The problem with looking for soul mates is every soul grows, changes and evolves. Your perfect match at twenty years old will not be so at thirty unless you and your partner grow together. This takes work, it takes time, compassion, effort and, most importantly, sacrifice. Soul mates take many forms, and people have more than one – this is symbolised in a wedding with the ‘wife’ and the ‘best man’. Your partner cannot be your best man, just as one person cannot alone complete someone else’s life.
This all sounds very clinical, and a lot of the emotional aftermath is understandable. It is also true that sometimes people, for whatever reason, feel the need to be unfaithful; in these situations, there is only one person to blame. Whether the shaming of women in the aftermath of infidelity will ever change is hard to say, given how rooted it is in modern culture, but hopefully this explanation of why we act the way we do can contribute to a change in that culture. By becoming aware of why we think, feel and act in the ways we do, and by accepting our own failings, we can take a step towards stronger relationships, better communities and a more compassionate society. It is imperative we move from a culture of blame to an environment where people take responsibility for their actions; until we do, women will continue to be disproportionately shamed and the unfaithful will be continue to be enabled in their behaviours.
—
Photo Credit: Meg Wills/flickr
This article makes and asserts a pressupposition that hasn’t held water for decades; I used to enjoy this site, its clear its merely become another status quo supporting piece of drivel like all the rest. You should all take down the motto: “the conversation no one else is having” because you are no longer actually doing that. Anecdotal personal evidence aside from the commenters above me, as well ignoring my own contradictory experiences across a multitude of relationships with women, the argument laid out above is simply untenable for a variety of additional reasons, but at its core makes an… Read more »
What universe is this author living in!?! Women are practically excused for cheating. Her man is often blamed for her cheating, by not giving her the love, attention, time, money, etc., that she thinks she should be getting from him, so she ultimately finds another man that’s able to give her the things that her current boyfriend/husband isn’t giving her. Because of that, a lot of people actually empathize with her. While they may not agree with what she did, they understand why she did it. You’ll even hear some women say; “He drove me into the arms of another… Read more »
There are far more men that send their cheating partners to the hospital and that kill their cheating partners; sometimes even the person she cheated on him with too. Women are way more often called whores, sluts, skanks and all that shit. Men blame it on biology all the time and many other men will support it, it’s all way too common. I agree women are also many times excused, usually by other “way too understanding” women. But that doesn’t invalidate the fact that men are still excused and encouraged to cheat, too. What the heck are you even talking… Read more »
Funny… when my ex cheated on me.. everyone blamed me for not keeping her happy and satisfied enough.
Yeah, isn’t that a interesting ‘Double Standard’ that exists even today.
No, as women also hear that shit.
Here we have an example of an issue within gender equality that begs the question: which characteristics of gender difference are naturally born and which are culturally determined, and to what degree? Because if men are simply wired more for sex than women, then they are necessarily going to have more pressure in resisting the opportunity of sexual infidelity. How does that play out in our assessment of the issue? Do we forgive men more, and should we? Does their infidelity signify less chance of emotional betrayal than when women cheat? I think it does, but does that mean that… Read more »
No matter what degree of gender differences, I think most men (and women) are capable of understanding that cheating on their partner is hurtful and destroys the trust of a relationship. I don’t think this is a question of those who have high sex drives being given more of a hail mary. Because having a high sex drive is not mutually exclusive to cheating. One can have a high sex drive and be completely loyal. This has more to do with a person’s own code of honor and ethics and the amount of respect they have for themselves, their partner… Read more »
Both are “wired for sex”, females are just naturally picky and the only ones that choose, while males only wait until a female chooses him. That doesn’t mean females won’t be choosing and picking lots of different males, though; there are always younger (better sperm) and stronger males around. It’s also just natural evolutionary strategy that females should never reproduce with a male more than once, as genetic variety, as long as if she only gets with beautiful, strong and young adults males, is the best for any specie. That also doesn’t mean females put any “emotional importance” on sex.… Read more »
“females are just naturally picky and the only ones that choose, while males only wait until a female chooses him.”
What species is that? You certainly can’t be talking about people as men make choices on sexual partners all the time, it’s called initiating.
BTW if men don’t get to choose, then they’re blameless.
I have not one, but 2 friends who are divorced due to their wives cheating on them ( in one case, the wife filed stating that she “wanted the freedom to sleep with whoever she chose”) Both lost their homes, see their kids one night a week as well as every other weekend. One pays around $ 3,200 month, the other almost $4,000. And yet here you state women have it tougher in the case of infidelity?
There were two situations of cheating spouses I’m familiar with. In one instance she cheated on him. He didn’t want to break up because of the children and because she laid a guilt trip on him saying he was never there for her. He worked a ton of overtime because she liked to spend money. At no time did she say I’ll cut down on my spending (bags of designer clothes in the basement, never worn, with the tags still on donated to charity every once in a while to clear it out), so we can spend more time together… Read more »
First, I don’t believe that women are disproportionally shamed. Even if they were more shamed when there is sexual infidelity, women are more prime to emotional infidelity and few people are shamed for that at all. Now even if women are more shamed for sexual infidelity than men there is a very simple reason for it. Some can’t see it because they can’t blame it on men. If women are shamed more, it’s because it requires more effort and emotional involvement to get them into bed. Their shamed more because their betrayal is more serious and complete.
Nah, it’s just because of how women’s sexuality is perceived and vilified, and how much more “prudent” society believes they should be. Women are shamed way more. From the names they get called, to the broken bones they receive. “Emotional infidelity” is something many people don’t believe in. We are talking about sexual cheating here. But even then, explain to us how, even if women as a group “emotionally” cheated more, how a singular woman being shamed more than a singular man for the same “crime” is ok. It doesn’t necessarily requires more effort to get a woman willing to… Read more »
“explain to us how, Nah, it’s just because of how women’s sexuality is perceived and vilified, and how much more “prudent” society believes they should be.”
Easy, women are more emotionally intelligent than men. Oh wait, I forgot bringing up women’s emotional intelligence is only right when it shows that women are better people than men. U forgot it’s not supposed to be used to criticize women. Sorry, you can’t have it both ways.