What is it like to want to be a dad but you don’t have children?Robin Hadley tells his story.
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Like many, from an early age I assumed I would be a father and I saw my life trajectory as job, marriage, and children. Only the last stage never happened.
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Like many, from an early age I assumed I would be a father and I saw my life trajectory as job, marriage, and children. Only the last stage never happened. Many people think that childless people, either consciously or unconsciously, chose not to have children. Not only that but only women are childless and men aren’t bothered – after all, they can be Dads at any age can’t they?
I wanted to be a Dad but a constellation of circumstances means that I am not. A number of factors led to my childlessness: getting divorced at age 30; length of time between relationships; economics – interest rates at 13% in the early 1990’s; social skills; and age.
What does it mean not being a father?
I wanted to be a Dad but a constellation of circumstances means that I am not
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Well, for me, it has meant different things at different times in my life. In my mid-20’s my then wife and I started trying for a family. I felt a duty to be a provider and was very concerned not only whether I earn enough, but also how I would be as a father. We divorced by the time I was thirty and it took me a while to find another partner because we kept the house and the housing market collapsed and interest rates went up.
In my mid-30’s, I was desperate to be a Dad and when my then partner said “I want to have your baby’ I felt I was ready to be a father. My previous concerns about finance and providing had been negated by my post-divorce-experience relationships and managing on a very tight budget. I also had the feeling that now was the right time. It felt right. However, we split up soon afterwards.
My mid-30’s were particularly challenging for my expectations of being a Dad. All my friends and colleagues seemed to be having children and I had a sense of being left behind. This started a sense of ’missing out’ of not only of the actual experience of parenting but also of the social aspects of parenting. For example, during coffee break or at lunchtime colleagues would share parent-related anecdotes, advice or experiences. These could range from how to deal with getting a child to eat to the latest ‘must have’ toy.
Those I knew who were parents also said, “You don’t want kids! They take over your life. The things I would do if I didn’t have kids. You’re best out of it mate. Living the bachelor life, you lucky so and so!” But inside, I did not feel like I had won the jackpot.
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At such times, I felt I had no credibility and could not contribute to the conversation. This led to a sense of being an outsider in quite a few circumstances: no birthday parties to arrange or attend, no parent’s evening, no arguments about staying up late or homework. Those I knew who were parents also said, “You don’t want kids! They take over your life. The things I would do if I didn’t have kids. You’re best out of it mate. Living the bachelor life, you lucky so and so!”
But inside, I did not feel like I had won the jackpot.
My ‘batcher’ life was never that good and I always wanted to be in a relationship. In my mid-30’s I found it difficult to find a partner – everyone I knew was partnered and I was never good at ‘picking up’ women at pubs or clubs. How would I approach the topic without a long run-up? And time was getting short – I wanted to be a Dad that had an involved relationship and was worried that as I aged I wouldn’t be able to play games or go on bike rides with my children.
I wonder if I had been a Dad I would be more driven? Or felt a pressure to pursue a promotion or change job? I am under no ‘rose-tinted’ allusion to the demands of raising children but, but, but … I would still prefer to have experienced fatherhood.
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Now I am in my mid-50, married, and my peers are becoming grandparents and their conversations and their lives revolve around their grandchildren. Now they say, “It’s a shame you don’t have grandchildren – the great thing is you can enjoy them more because you can spoil them but also you can give them back!” Some people say not having children means that you must be better off.
I am fulfilled, but I would have preferred to have children.
Financially, it may be true that I am better off: I’ve had holidays abroad and have had time to develop my interests. Probably, if I had been a father I would not have done a post-graduate diploma in my mid-40’s that led to my MA and my present Ph.D. I have never been extremely ambitious but rather keep up with the pack. I wonder if I had been a Dad I would be more driven? Or felt a pressure to pursue a promotion or change job? I am under no ‘rose-tinted’ allusion to the demands of raising children but, but, but … I would still prefer to have experienced fatherhood.
Reprinted with permission from mensmindsmatter
Photos by Luke Sullivan and Thomas
I know the feeling.I’M 52 yrs old, In my 20’s Ihave always thought of being a Father,but that has never happen to me.Living in South Fla is a joke for a single Man that is a average joe income who is a decent man trying to make a living wanting to be a father but it never happens, only with women who want him that has children chasing after him because he’s a meal ticket. Only childless women chasing men with money.
I don’t know if it’s okay to comment as a woman on this site, but I read your story from the perspective of an adult fatherless daughter. My dad left when I was 6 months old and I feel as though I’ve searched for a father figure my entire life. It’s no joke that missing out on a dad stacks the deck against you – I became sexually active at age 14 with an adult and had way too many partners to admit to, struggled (still do) with feelings of worthlessness, and never did believe anyone when they said they… Read more »
I do know how you feel about this. I always wanted kids, and indeed taught others’ kids for 26 years. My lack of social skills meant I was late to get married (40) and my wife, who was 6 years older with 3 kids of her own, made it very clear that she was not going to have any more. At least I got on well with my three step kids, the youngest of whom still lived at home. Alas my marriage only lasted 3 1/2 years, but it finished in an unusual fashion. My then 50 year old wife… Read more »
FYI
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/may/04/scientists-break-record-for-keeping-lab-grown-human-embryos-alive
Thank you very much for this. Like you, I assumed that I would one day be a father. After years of struggle to find a certain level of peace with being childless, I now struggle with having no grandchildren, unlike the vast majority of my contemporaries. I used to be a blood donor, and at least that meant one other way of giving life. But they don’t want my blood any more because I’ve spent too long in the UK and may be carrying the mad-cow disease… There are no rites and rituals for the child never even conceived. It’s… Read more »
Thanks for your article Luke. As a recent divorcee who always planned to have kids and would love to be a dad, I can empathise. I am currently single and find myself less and less able to connect meaningfully with a partner, it does get harder as you get older. I don’t know if its due to me being fussier or if its an evolutionary tactic to get us procreating earlier and to prevent conception late in life. Either way, I feel that urge to have kids getting stronger as my friends are having their second kid and family life… Read more »
Luke, this is a wonderful essay. I’m curious how familiar you are with the phrase “paternity certainty”. I would argue, even at age 50, you could still be a father, or a grandfather. What you’re talking about here is not fatherhood, but rather fatherhood WITH paternity certainty. As if in order to be a father you must biologically reproduce. There are some fathers who find out that they are not actually the biological fathers of their children. Affairs and family secrets and such. And there are some fathers who don’t know that they are actually fathers. One night stands, breakups… Read more »
if I had a penny for every time someone with children said being a father doesn’t have to mean biological… and another penny for every time some woman said you are an excellent catch, you’ll find the one soon. If i was such an excellent catch…. right.. play by the rules. honor and respect what do i have to show for it? nada. No, I”m not going to be dad for the results of your fun and other tramping around no i’m not going to be granddad for your daughters tramping around. If you wanted dad and grandad in your… Read more »