Choosing Trust, Regardless of the Outcome

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Am I willing to vulnerably share my truth, the inner workings of my thoughts and feelings, even if there’s a chance I will not be received in the way that I want?

If I am going into an interaction wanting support, am I also willing to give that? Am I prepared to receive another’s feelings as a result of my sharing, and can I be accepting of their reactions and responses?

I am learning what it takes to truly connect with another, to move towards creating secure emotional bonds. I am starting to understand how much openness, curiosity, and trust is needed to meet in the middle, for connection to happen.

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Though I want to vulnerably tell my partner when I feel worried, insecure, or triggered, often times I hold back. I am afraid that what I want to share, will be too much.

My early imprinting fearfully says you’re going to receive some kind of pushback if you vulnerably express, whether its defensiveness or resistance, which will ultimately result in disconnection, space.

So instead of fully stepping into vulnerability, I halfway go there, hiding and protecting the part of me that feels too tender to name.

My voice, either small or defiant from fear, expresses a partial truth, and does so rather indirectly.

And what I am noticing, is how much I am creating the situation I am afraid of as a result – the one where I am not fully seen or understood, and where I don’t get support because am communicating too indirectly to ask for it.

In refraining from giving loved ones the full picture, I am not letting them get close to me.

I am choosing space. I am choosing to be alone with what I am feeling.

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For a long time, I have been unconsciously making others responsible for my trust. I have been placing my sense of safety on how they respond to what I am only just realizing is a partial sharing and an indirect asking for support.

Before seeing this, I often dismissed others with a story of how they just weren’t available enough or emotionally capable to understand me, to give me empathy.

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In recognizing this “not enough” or “too much” dichotomy that I have been stuck in, I am beginning the process of shifting from this kind of heavily reliant yet passive leaning, to returning to and cultivating my own trust.

What that means to me is taking personal responsibility for my wellbeing by focusing on navigation skills like the ability to communicate my feelings, needs, and boundaries.

To trust in my process. To give myself the reassurance that what I am feeling or thinking is understandable. And to welcome it all in.

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This is an ongoing practice. And because I am only just starting to really see and understand it all, I am doing my best to be gentle with myself for the times I am not fully stepping into my truth and taking the steps towards connection.

One last thing – when I hesitate in expressing myself, when I feel worried that my thoughts, feelings, or desires will be judged, dismissed, or resisted, that I won’t get what I want, this re-framing has been helping me to vulnerably use my voice:

If I have handled a lifetime of experiences where I did not feel received, where I did not get the support or connection I was wanting, and here I am, still standing, then I definitely have the resilience for it to happen again.

So why not fully choose trust, regardless of the outcome.

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