We’ve been sold a fairy tale. I just didn’t think I was the type of person to believe it. But I must have, at least on some level. Because I was love bombed, and I just … believed it.
Fools Rush In
Let’s be honest: I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe that someone would fall in love with me so quickly and completely. I wanted to believe that every hard lesson was worth it because everything had worked out in the end.
That’s how love bombing gets us. We don’t tell ourselves that it’s too soon, particularly if our feelings are all too real. We don’t say that they’re moving too fast. Fools rush in, but we do it because we still have hope that this time, this time, will be the happily ever after of our wildest dreams.
I’m talking to a friend who’s telling me about this man she’s dating. He’s already mentioned that she’s The One. I can’t help but scoff and ask, “The One what?” Does he mean that she’s The One meant to hold his childhood trauma? To fix him? To make him feel better about himself and less alone in the world? Or The One to pay half the bills and take care of his children? The One to stroke his ego?
Clarification is Needed
We need to be asking more questions and not just taking claims like this at face value. The truth is that their idea of the mythical One might be a lot different than our own. Maybe they, too, just wish to believe that this time will be different, but that desire for a soulmate could be contributing to unrealistic expectations for relationships.
When they start mentioning the idea that we’re meant to be together early in the relationship, we might want to stop, take a deep breath, and slow down. Maybe they mean it. After all, even though the one who treated me like The One was simply love bombing me, that is how I felt about him. My feelings were real even if his faded after the first flush of infatuation. But oftentimes, those early declarations are simply coming from that first rush of falling — into like, lust, infatuation, or even — sometimes — love. Still, we should take them with a grain of salt and slow the f*ck down.
Slow Down
If the feelings are real, they aren’t going anywhere. They’ll continue to grow, as will the relationship. There’s no harm in slowing down. It can even give us a deeper appreciation for one another as we let the connection grow organically.
Sometimes, those assertions that we’re The One come with pressure. To commit. To move faster. To move someone in. When that happens, we can be sure that what’s happening isn’t love; it’s manipulation pure and simple. I’ve been there once, too, and I can say unequivocally that it’s a red flag of massive proportions when someone wants to rush a relationship ahead and adds pressure for a commitment that we might not be ready to make.
It’s hard to tell when someone is hoping and caught up in their feelings and when someone is being intentionally manipulative. Sometimes, the line blurs between the two. The result is often the same. We’re left devastated when the love bombing turns to devaluing us in the relationship. That pedestal they put us on? They don’t mention that they’ll knock us off it later, and the fall will be so much more painful than we could ever imagine.
The Hidden Cost of Love Bombing
It did something to my sense of self-worth that time I fell in love but was being love bombed. For him to care for me less as he got to know me more was truly heartbreaking. It made me question myself. It made me wonder what it was about me as a person that was unloveable. Especially because I never pretended to be perfect. I was upfront about my flaws. I just didn’t think any of that was a reason to slowly withdraw love until there was no more of it left.
I understand now that what happened wasn’t my fault. I don’t assign blame at all. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I like to think that he was just caught up in hope himself. It was likely a painful experience for both of us. I no longer question my value or think that I did anything to deserve what happened.
Fools No More
What I do now is question things. I don’t just take them at face value. If I’m The One, I need to know what that means to the person saying it. The One … what? It helps to talk about our expectations versus reality. It helps to slow down relationships and let intimacy build more naturally.
I don’t want to become the skeptic, too afraid of being let down to hope for love. But I do need to learn from my experiences. It’s the only way I’ll avoid repeating them.
The wise might say fools rush in, but I’ve been foolish enough for a lifetime. I can’t afford to be the person who believes in the fairy tale anymore. I don’t want to be swept off my feet. I want my feet firmly on the ground. I don’t want to lose my sense of self, and I certainly don’t want to be so dizzy from being swept away that I can’t clearly see what’s happening until the damage is done.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Dmytro Tolokonov on Unsplash
