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Clarity Levine, performing at Rustbelt in St. Louis, MO.
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Button Poetry is committed to developing a coherent and effective system of production, distribution, promotion and fundraising for spoken word and performance poetry.
We seek to showcase the power and diversity of voices in our community. By encouraging and broadcasting the best and brightest performance poets of today, we hope to broaden poetry’s audience, to expand its reach and develop a greater level of cultural appreciation for the art form.
Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
0:06
You ask how many blunts I smoked today.
0:10
I tell you…
0:12
none.
0:13
You imply there’s something different about me,
0:15
something strange or unusual.
0:18
You insinuate that you know me,
0:20
that you are as familiar with my demeanor
0:22
as you are the skin on the back of your hand.
0:24
So I confess:
0:26
Klonopin.
0:28
I explain away my shift in mood in hopes of not worrying you
0:31
because I know how you feel about my sporadic marijuana intake.
0:36
And I don’t need no lecture on substance abuse.
0:39
But I needed that Klonopin.
0:41
I needed that 1 milligram raft to stop me from drowning in my emotions, my feelings,
0:47
this body of water.
0:49
I’m so accustomed to floating,
0:50
I never consider the possibility of the liquid filling my lungs.
0:53
My mind is a shark-filled ocean.
0:56
My emotions could have sent me to a watery grave.
0:58
I was prescribed this lifeguard in a bottle for those moments.
1:01
My sanity wants to play Marco Polo,
1:03
but you scoff
1:06
at my reasoning,
1:08
as if I was a junky,
1:10
trying to convince you it’s okay,
1:11
as long as I only take enough to keep me straight, right,
1:13
get this mental monkey off my back.
1:15
You scoffed at me.
1:17
You who knows nothing of my illness.
1:21
You who met this body
1:22
when the self-inflicted cuts had already healed.
1:25
You who have not witnessed my mania,
1:29
who have never felt the obligations to hold my depression close to you
1:32
with angry, confused arms.
1:34
You act as if I’m ungrateful for some freedom I possess.
1:36
But you know nothing of the prison I gotta send my pain to.
1:39
No my walls will only be rubbed with ignorance, disbelief, or pity.
1:43
You don’t how bad pity sees,
1:45
how it makes me wish I could quarantine my crazy,
1:49
isolate my insanity until I find someone who understands.
1:52
You don’t know how scarce, how sacred true understanding is.
1:56
how that’s all I ever wanted from you.
1:58
But you told me to handle my problems
2:03
like a woman,
2:05
as if bipolar disorder and PTSD are menstrual cramps and yeast infections.
2:10
I’m sorry I don’t know the right flavor of yogurt to balance
2:12
the dysfunction in my brain.
2:13
They don’t make heated baths hot enough
2:15
to burn out the memories of traumatic events
2:16
that led to me being this way,
2:18
this torn, this hopeless, this damage,
2:23
this woman,
2:25
that you attempt to soothe with phrases like,
2:27
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
2:29
As if I could not consider taking medication
2:32
a condition to my rightness
2:33
the same way that diabetics
2:35
consider taking insulin righting their blood,
2:37
the way that new mothers consider holding their infants
2:39
righting their postpartum depression,
2:40
the way that I considered terminating my pregnancy
2:44
as a way to right my future with you.
2:47
I remember that day so well.
2:51
You never knew I was pregnant.
2:53
You rubbed my back softly as I cried of post-abortion pain,
2:57
disguised as a usual discomfort from my period.
3:02
You told me I should take a pill for once,
3:05
that it might help.
3:08
(applause and cheers)
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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