She and I were just glued during our college times. We studied late at night together and even disclosed our deepest secrets to each other. She was my friend and a source of strength. However, after graduation, something shifted.
She who before was a self-confident and free individual developed signs of codependency; she always needed Approval from the people around her.
Getting Approval in some selected things is okay. But she started asking me for Everything she does.
It started subtly. She would ring me frequently during the day, panicking over decisions she had made or contemplating to make. This could be just post-graduation jitters at first. But then, the pattern persisted. Everything from her work to relationships needed constant reassurance on everything.
her behavior struck me. How was my confident friend now so dependent on the approvals of others?
…
Codependency — rooted in an abyssal fear of rejection and the desperate need to be indispensable.
It was a bit of both for Her. She had internalized the idea of her worth depending on what others thought about her since she grew up in a house where nothing was appreciated unless outsiders approved it.
Dr. Jane Adams, a psychologist dedicated to helping individuals understand the forces in interpersonal relationships notes, “Codependents have always sought their happiness from external circumstances, and as life goes by they drift apart from their wants and needs.”
And also, social media is the one that increases this problem.
During one conversation with her, I found that she would spend hours on Instagram comparing her life with others and looking for validation through likes or comments. This digital echo chamber led to a skewed conception of reality where self-perceived value is confused with outward appearances.
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Origin of codependency?
After some days, I realized her struggle and sought a professional view. Therapy sessions helped her identify the origins of codependency started doing self-reflection, defining her values, and determining what she was worth.
Based on My Research Codependency can stem from a variety of factors:
- Childhood Experiences
- Parental Modeling
- Low Self-Esteem
- Fear of Abandonment or Rejection — A most common one
- Difficulty with Boundaries
- A History of Emotional Suppression and Their Needs
- Cultural and Societal Factors also included
…
Some period after the therapy session, I noticed that she was changing. She became involved in doing things that SHE LOVED — (This is the most important thing while self-reflection), not those that were considered to make other people happy. Yoga, painting, and journaling taught her how to express herself and discover who she is.
According to one study, Emotional boundaries are an essential step in overcoming codependency.
It was hard at first however she discovered that it is OK to say ‘no’ and state what she needs without guilt. This shift was difficult. It requested steady practice and mindfulness continually. Anyway slowly, she started to focus on her prosperity and went with choices that took care of who she genuinely was.
I likewise played a part to play as her friend. I figured out how to help her without empowering codependent issues. This suggested supporting her feeling of independence and building up the possibility that she could go with choices without anyone else.
One of the most substantial changes I noticed in Her was increasing self-compassion. She became more gentle to herself, recognizing her flaws and accepting her inferiorities. This change of mind was significant in ending her cycle of codependency.
Her journey is ongoing. She can cope with old patterns that occasionally resurface now. She has realized that such a quest for validation is human, but it should not determine her life or happiness.
…
Her story isn’t special. The greater part of us battle in various structures with codependency. It is a reminder that our identity as people ought not to be reliant upon how others feel about us. The way to self-esteem and freedom is brimming with traps, however, it’s a journey worth endeavor.
…
Her Transformation is an indication of the absolute toughness and adaptability of the human psyche. When she admitted and sought help for her codependency, as well as by accepting her love of herself unconditionally — freedom from external validation became possible. Her story motivates us to hear the voice within and draw power from being true.
As we stroll through the labyrinth of connections and self-character, let us not fail to remember that the most significant acknowledgment comes from ourselves. Thus we engage ourselves, yet in addition better and additional wonderful associations with others.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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