Seek medical help if you are having suicidal or self-harming thoughts. I am not a doctor, so any advice I share is personal and coming from experience. This may not work for you.
I’m sure there are others out there who can relate. I know how much it has helped me feel like I am not alone, and I want to be there for anyone who needs it.
When Andriel was born, I was overjoyed and overwhelmed with love. He is my world and my saviour. He inspires me to live happily because ultimately I have to teach him how to be happy too.
That said, it has not been easy. My hard times are not to taint my good times with our son, but they cannot be denied. My joy and my anxiety live in conjunction with each other, and although they overlap, they do not deny nor cancel out the other.
I am not depressed. But I could have been, and a doctor could have diagnosed me with post-natal depression because the symptoms were there.
Symptoms of post-natal depression taken from the UK health (NHS) website include:
“– a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
– loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give you pleasure
– lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
– trouble sleeping at night and feeling sleepy during the day
– feeling that you’re unable to look after your baby
– problems concentrating and making decisions
– loss of appetite or an increased appetite (comfort eating)
– feeling agitated, irritable or very apathetic (you “can’t be bothered”)
– feelings of guilt, hopelessness and self-blame
– difficulty bonding with your baby with a feeling of indifference and no sense of enjoyment in their company
– frightening thoughts — for example, about hurting your baby; these can be scary, but they’re very rarely acted upon
-thinking about suicide and self-harm
These symptoms can affect your day-to-day life and your relationships with your baby, your family and friends.”
The statements in bold are the ones I felt for the first 6 months of Andriel being born. A doctor may well have diagnosed me with PND, but I never investigated it because I wanted to try a few things out first.
Here is what I have learned to do to help me on my journey of motherhood.
Sleep
“Sleep when your baby sleeps” is a joke when you have a newborn. The food doesn’t cook itself and the clothes aren’t magically washed, dried, and folded overnight.
Not only that, but the world lives on and we have a natural desire to keep up with it. Sleep deprivation is nothing more than expected at the beginning of parenthood.
When Andriel was 4.5 months of age, however, we sleep-trained our son.
He had been waking up 8/9/10 times per night, and his naps were mostly on me. He was reliant on me to fall asleep, so rocking and breastfeeding were only a couple of the tactics I used to help him drift off. Only over time, it would take him longer and longer for him to fall asleep.
Sometimes, I spent 3 hours trying to get him to fall asleep at night, only for him to wake up every 20 minutes for the entire night.
I was so sleep deprived I could not function. I should not have let it get to that point, but I was reluctant to try sleep training previously for many reasons.
Our son learned how to fall asleep on his own within just 2 weeks after getting the help of a sleep specialist.
We supported him every step of the way and he was and still is a very happy boy who looks forward to going to bed.
I was demonstrating more than half of the symptoms of post-natal depression but the solution was right in front of me all along.
I was a whole new woman when I started sleeping well again. My sense of humour came back, my ability to make decisions was better (although I’m still indecisive by nature with or without a child), my eating habits improved because I wasn’t too tired to think about what I would eat, and subsequently, I just felt better.
My problems were not that big once I looked at them with a well-rested and clear mind. It felt like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And what’s more, I actually looked forward to getting into bed knowing I would get at least 6 hours before Andriel needed a feed and go back to sleep afterwards. Andriel dropped the night feed on his own at the age of 9 months, which came as a welcome surprise. Life is much easier when you get a good night’s sleep.
Planning
Being able to sleep again helped alleviate a lot of the symptoms I was experiencing, but I still didn’t feel like completely myself again. Mostly, I felt a lack of growth and improvement within myself since I had stopped working and learning.
My lack of purpose manifested itself physically in the form of being disorganised with everything else. I felt like I was letting life lead me, rather than me being in control of my life.
So I thought hard about what I wanted to do and I wrote down my goals.
Planning plays an essential role in achieving goals. I needed to make sure all of my time was used as productively and efficiently as possible, without sacrificing the most important part of my life — our son. Day-care was not an option for him yet so my work had to be done around his sleep.
Planning gives me a sense of direction.
Keeping a schedule also allows for perspective and change. If something wasn’t working, I’d have a quick scan at the calendar and I’d be able to move things around quickly. I slowly started scheduling different aspects of my life, one at a time.
I now plan for the following:
- Baby’s sleep — I used to log nap and bedtimes when he was younger but now that he consistently sleeps more or less at the same time every day, I plan what I will do during those times.
- Meal-planning and meal-prepping
- Writing (work)
- Reading (work and pleasure)
- Social
Generally, I sit down and plan all of the above once a week, on a Sunday. This helps me set a routine for our family, creating a stable environment, and eases the pressure of keeping up with life.
It may seem a little bit OCD, but this makes me feel less overwhelmed about the responsibilities of running a house and trying to do my own thing.
Write down everything you have done for the past week or two, even the time you used to catch a break and relax. Visualising your current routine will help you see what your priorities are and where you can make changes to allow for other activities or events, such as working out, phoning a loved one, or working on a new personal project.
This doesn’t just apply to mothers, but to everyone. For me, having a few goals each day helps me feel fulfilled. And it’s those baby steps in my schedule that will enable me to achieve my bigger goals.
I Cut Myself Some Slack
While I was out with a friend before I made the meal planner, I complained that I had no idea what I was going to do for lunch that day and that I was tired of thinking about it every day.
Her response was casual and laid-back. She said the words,
“Make it easy for yourself.”
She has no idea what a profound comment that was to me.
Of course! Making a peanut butter sandwich once wasn’t going to throw my son’s nutrition out of the window. I can’t be expected to magically whip up elaborate and nutritious meals all the time. It’s OK if we slack off once in a while. Plus it then gave me the incentive to make a proper plan for future meals so I could make it easy on myself.
But this doesn’t apply only to meals. It applies to life. We tend to be too hard on ourselves and those around us. I recently commented on someone else’s article because he was asking for advice, and this is what I responded:
“Cut your wife and yourself some slack. You’re both doing an amazing job by keeping your children alive. You have both got this.”
Practice what you preach, Sylvia!
It’s OK if our son spends a little too long watching TV sometimes. It’s OK if I’m not always organised. It’s OK if I decide to be flexible and change up our routine to spend more time outside.
And sometimes, it’s OK to have negative feelings. What matters is our focus – our focus to steer towards positivity wherever we can.
Last Words
- Don’t underestimate the power of sleep — it will alleviate a lot of the pressure.
- Planning gives you a sense of direction and helps you to be productive and fulfilled.
- Make things easy on yourself, slacking off once in a while is necessary to reset your brain.
Parenting is hard. It’s the hardest job in the world. We just accept it because we see parents everywhere we go.
But it doesn’t mean we can do nothing to make it easier. The sooner we accept that it’s hard, the sooner we stop being so hard on ourselves and focus on finding solutions.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by NeONBRAND on Unsplash