Remind yourself constantly of your value. You are valuable apart from what anybody thinks or says about you, but that will only be relevant to the extent you are aware of it. Say it with me, “ I am valuable.” Not, “She thinks I am valuable.” If you think all of your worth is stored in another’s perception of you, as soon as that person’s mood shifts, your stock plummets.
By taking the time to build up your own stock and place it in safer keeping, you are increasing your capacity to handle a woman’s natural emotional swings. By being grounded in your value, you can defuse conflict and not only weather but also calm an emotional storm. This makes a woman feel safe and comfortable, and she’ll open up to you with greater ease. Your centeredness will also bring unimagined intimacy with your spouse.
Many years ago I hadn’t yet discovered I was the only person that could make me happy, and so I put impossible expectations on women who were, of course, unable to fulfill them. My relationships were great, until I felt unhappy for even a microsecond, and then I would blame the woman I was with for something that was entirely my responsibility. When one of my girlfriends would have an emotional flurry, my whole world collapsed because I was entirely dependent on them for happiness and fulfillment. I didn’t know I was valuable just by myself.
If a girlfriend said I was good, I was good. If she said I made her happy, I was doing it right. If she said it was Christmas, I’d hang out my stocking and start put lights on the tree I never took down. With that in mind, every time I was confronted with an emotional barrage, I felt it my responsibility to attack right back to prove my worth. Whenever I would engage in pointless arguments, I was really saying, “You don’t understand, my perception of self worth is totally dependent on you!”
Make a Change
My relationships with women changed after I dropped out of the game for an extended period of time and built up my self worth. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be involved in a relationship until I could bring a whole man into one. I promised myself that I would wait until I could bring my own fulfillment so I didn’t weigh my partners down with insecurity and impossible expectations.
“The more you can rely on yourself to be happy, the more your spouse can trust that she can express her emotions when she needs to. This is where intimacy and love grow, and where open communication flourishes. Respectfully expressing your unmet needs and being open to your spouse’s will change your life.”
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You don’t have to go off the grid like I did, but if you want to communicate better with your partner, you gotta rely on your intrinsic value and not on what others say you are. You are valuable.
If you are in a relationship where you feel dependent on another for happiness, consider taking a break until you can rely on you. If you are committed and with children, you might want to pursue more autonomy within your relationship; make time for activities that expand your worth and competence. Be your own man and do things that affirm your value. Through it all, be open about your feelings with your spouse.
(Click this link to learn some ways to express your emotions constructively)
The more you can rely on yourself to be happy, the more your spouse can trust that she can express her emotions when she needs to. This is where intimacy and love grow, and where open communication flourishes. Respectfully expressing your unmet needs and being open to your spouse’s will change your life.
It’s so much easier to communicate with a woman when your relationship isn’t burdened by impossible expectations. Now you have some understanding of why she acts the way she acts, and you also have greater understanding of her special language. Next time your lover or wife gets heated and calls you a warthog-faced buffoon (visual), you can go to the balcony and calmly state, “I see what you’re saying, and I respectfully disagree. I am, in fact, a sexy beast. Can you show me what else you are feeling?” Then you’ll curl up in the sack and live happily ever after. Maybe.
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You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
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Photo—Renee Barron/Flickr
“Always know your intrinsic value… ” What a crock, who actually knows this: “Illusions of grandeur”, “I’m Mr. Studly”, yada yada. Noone knows their true intrinsic value.
Great article, and I totally agree.
However, if it’s a common occurrence for your girlfriend to lash out on you in a disrespectful manner, you’d do yourself a big favor to not put up with it and reconsider your choice of woman. Gender is not an excuse for acting in less than respectful manner, and being a woman is no get-out-of-jail-free card for being rude.
I am not sure i understand. In my experience women would go through a conversation with more silence and sadness and men would burn in anger more quickly. Some. Others would disappear in sadness and test me how much i care for them. Is it testosterone? Oxytocin? I don’t know. Is it just being different people responding to different conversations in their own unique way? Perhaps.
Thanks for joining the conversation, Carmen (San Diego?) Women do in deed experience more mood shifts than men, and this is due differences in physiology. When men hit andropause (testosterone flatline) in mid life, the symptoms include irritability and mood swings. Without heavy circulating levels of testosterone, as the article describes, women rely more on oxytocin and dopamine to maintain their moods, which ebb and flow with activity, food intake, and connection. As the article said, men often think women *seem* batshit crazy *at worst*, and then the article goes on to describe in depth how emotional behavior is not… Read more »
In a relationship you absolutely have to learn each other. Each person responds to stress and conflict differently. It has nothing to do with gender. Women don’t experience mood swings more than men necessarily and they aren’t batshit crazy. These concepts are harmful. However, I agree with the underlying concept that to make a relationship work you need communication and maturity and willingness to learn the other person.
Erin- I love your comments and support.
Lol!!! Too funny– I’ll take note of that! And that is what intimacy is all about; the slight, nuanced and internal bearings of a person that can only be ascertained with the utmost care, sensitivity, and sacrifice. I do believe it is a sacrifice (hard work) to get to know the depths of a person, and also the greatest depth and richness of existing. Rare is it found though, in these pornographic cultures.
Daniel – I love your pieces.
I even learned some stuff about myself here. I’m totally auditory. While the “I can hear your frustration…” would be soothing, for me, the “I feel you hun….” would make me want to rip my hair out. Funny how slight word changes do matter.
““You always…! I can’t believe this!!! Ughh..You don’t ever treat me right! What?!?! RAAAAARGH!!!!”
Classic case of immaturity and overblown drama. No, just…no. I have no patience for this and will not tolerate it in any relationship. Since when is it my job to figure out how to translate so-called emotional speak into plain words? Sorry, if a person wants to be understood then they’re going to have to communicate in a way that makes sense.
Mgm- Sounds like you’ve encountered this frustration a time or two before. But this dialogue, like any other, takes two; it does not happen in a vacuum. With two partners who are devoted to cultivating the emotional connection and presence this article offers, toxic “blowups” will be a thing of the past. That said, the blow ups occur because emotions must be moved through one way or another. If a woman has a responsive and attentive man who is keen to her subtle cue, partners can move through emotions together in a beautiful (and erotic) dance that will last a… Read more »
Terrific!!!!
Thank you Jules!