Confessions of a Regretful Mind

“I don’t regret anything, and if I could go back in time, I would do it all over again.” No, I wouldn’t! If you really think like many self-centered people who say this, you don’t understand an apology.

Regret can come with time, arrive in avalanches causing guilt, it can appear with daily reveries or even when we are centered on ourselves. A “no” from my parents that I turned into a yes, persistent disobedience has cost me a good moral lesson later on.

That missed phone call with a unique opportunity at that moment made me realize that I could indeed take a project forward.

The stubborn belief that it would work out with someone and recognizing later that rejection cost me a lot of shame and anger at myself still echoes, even if lightly, in my mind. Those thoughtless words said without thinking, at an inopportune moment, hurting a friend deeply catch me off guard from time to time. A supposedly innocent gossip told for fun has kept me awake for days.

Another proud “no,” wanting to say yes without any contestation, deprived me of smiles, other encounters, other yeses.

A postponed end that ate away at my chest for blaming myself for the other’s suffering deprived me of being free from a love that didn’t exist and filled someone who didn’t deserve it with hope, could become the theme of a movie. The club night I missed, the kiss I didn’t steal, the gift I didn’t give, the indifference I provoked, the time I denied, the beach day I lost, the understanding I didn’t reach, the money I didn’t save, the books I didn’t read, the hug I didn’t warm, the “I love you” I held back, they all remain in the past and are piled up in memory.

We do regret. About silly, foolish, crazy things. About serious, frivolous, inconfessable things. Or perhaps we do confess. And laugh, and cry, and don’t forgive ourselves, and backtrack, ask for forgiveness, and maybe change a story.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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