‘I am actually still caught-up in the performance of my penis. I have, from this weekend, being able to create a very clear distinction between goal and intention and I need a lot more work expanding the expansive world of intention rather than limited penis performance. One of the things I am still stuck in is getting caught up with my penis performance and one of the reasons is me being driven to have it perform for my wife (“the audience). She as my lover and partner in life may also be stuck in the limited world of “penis performance” – she needs to be able to give and to receive and, I sense, she is feeling that she is not, on the “evidence of the penis” not being able to do it for me. So maybe both of us are still stuck in the limiting world of just “the penis and vagina”.
‘So with all this in mind, I have realized I need to establish and build an honest and relationship with my penis – I currently don’t have one other than a functional one that isn’t working too well at present. I also need to establish a relationship with my lover’s vagina.’
‘The second thing that sticks with me from the weekend are your comments and thoughts regarding our relationship to our genitals and my penis. I can very much feel that I have a very practical, functional and non-emotional relationship with my genitals. For me, it very often also has an aspect of worrying about my sexual health. I have noticed that for myself before, but after this weekend I will observe it more and try to develop an emotional and appreciative connection with my genitals.’
This is the sharing from some of the men after the last Sexual Energy Healing Retreat.
What they’ve shared is so common. For so many men it’s in the realm of the unspeakable. We now it. We won’t talk about, let alone do anything about it.
It creates pressure, enormous pressure.
It leads to disconnect, from ourselves, from our lovers and partners, from each other. It’s isolating.
So many men are deeply disconnected from their bodies, from emotion, from sensation, more so with our genitals.
The relationship we have, with our genitals is not conscious, at best it’s functional and deeper than that it’s contractive, it’s fearful with comparison, with a level of performance, with a lack of information and knowledge. There’s no connection with our hearts, and what that energy represents. There’s confusion on what it means to be a sexual man today. There is armoring of the defense against vulnerability, openness, and tenderness. There is armoring against gentleness, gentle touch, soft-touch, slow touch. There is an obsession with size, with hardness, fastness.
For so many men, if you ask them to define their sexuality without their genitals, there’s nothing there, emptiness.
For most men, there is one criterion for a successful sexual experience, orgasm, and ejaculation.
When so many men are touched gently and slowly there is very little or no sensation.
So much of this is because of the relationship we have with our penis, cock, Lingam, whatever your word for your genitals is.
The extension of this, as one man said, is the relationship our partners have with our genitals.
So much of the healing work I do with men in connection with their sexuality is about the heart, becoming aware of the connection between cock and heart, that this is one energy system.
As we begin to see this, that it’s about energy, we begin to see that energy needs to move to flow. If there’s no flow it becomes static, stagnant, and like where a river gets blocked the water becomes dirty and toxic.
When we see the energy of this we can see that for energy to move within us there needs to be an opening, a softening. And those words bring up such fear in so many men, soft is the last thing we want sexually. The paradox is that in the softening, energy flows. And when energy flows we have much greater sexual control, erections have more power. And we even learn that there are such incredible pleasure possibilities with a penis that is not hard.
We can withdraw from performance.
We can withdraw from pressure.
And we can feel.
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