Constant Interaction Does Not Always Mean He/She Is Interested in You

This story is inspired by a story from another writer. I just have another side to consider.

In relationships, there is an attempt for people to think that A=A but in most cases, A = A-B.
I know. Human relationships can break the laws of mathematics.

Our understanding and application of logic models like the ones used in mathematics often fall short when applied to the realities of relationships.

In relationships, there are a lot more variables to consider. Both the known and the unknown.

Unlike our simplified maths, when it comes to relationships, no variable can be ignored because each of them affects the relationship significantly.

Navigating relationships is therefore not that simple. Things are not black and white. The greys are equally important.

Here are the common questions that have also been written about in the article I am referencing.

What does it mean when he/she doesn’t text in 3 days?
What does it mean when he/she doesn’t text in a week?
What does it mean when he/she takes several days to answer my message?

If there were to be an answer for this that applies to everyone, it would be something along the lines of “your guess is as good as any”.

No, it does not always mean that he/she doesn’t want to invest in dating seriously. It could be your belief. Sure. But not necessarily true.

Most of us have googled these kinds of questions in search of answers that give us some hope only to be met with binary slaps of pessimistic views.

But we know that this is just one possibility in a sea of considerations because oftentimes, these pessimistic views didn’t turn out to be correct.

If they haven’t texted you in a while, it does not mean that they aren’t into you nor does it mean that they are into you if they constantly text you.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Again, these are just possibilities in a sea of endless considerations.

Our binary view of relationships makes navigating them painful and miserable.

Approaching relationships this way always guarantees that you are going to suffer tremendously.

This is because relationships are never binary and they constantly have to shift between the contrasts of good and bad.

Sometimes, people who want to be with you will make no visible effort

If someone doesn’t make any effort that you consider worthwhile, it may mean that he or she doesn’t want to be with you.

But it is not always the case.

It comes down to a lot of variables at play. Things like what that person’s state of mind at the time is, or how they express love based on their background…

“If you feel like you are the only one putting effort into the conversations, if you are the one reaching out first the majority of the time, then please know he is just not that into you” —

Extracted from the article

Not really. No!!. Not always!!! No.

Oftentimes, our feelings about certain things can blind us to the actual realities of what’s going on.

If you believe that someone who doesn’t put effort into your conversations is not into you, then you will miss other forms of expression that he or she may use to get through to you.

Also, why would you expect someone to express themselves the way you do? This is setting yourself up for misery and heartaches.

If your way of showing that you care is through reaching out, do not make it a competition of who does so the majority of times.

This assumption that reaching out the majority of the time means that he/she is interested in you is an error in judgment as it may or may not be the case.

In my world, this would never be something I consider. I don’t text much but my not texting doesn’t mean I am not madly crazy about someone.

A case of Love Vs Fascination

The writer says that when guys have a temporary interest in girls, they put in minimal effort.

I think the opposite is true.

If we are analyzing guys here, the ones who dump a lot of interest early on in relationships are probably not investing that interest in love as you know it.

Rather, they are investing in some idea of being with you. There is a difference.

This may be because they are fascinated by some version of you and it is into that version that they are dumping their interest.

Men are highly impressionable and visual. You must get through that to a point where they know much about you before you can use this as a clue to judge their interest.

If a guy has a temporary interest in you, they will want to fulfill that interest as quickly as possible so they will put in the most effort.

It would be unwise, and unnecessary suffering to try putting aside what you feel for someone simply because their actions don’t seem to suggest interest.

The pit of doubt is bottomless

At some level we all have doubts. But when you feed into them, then there is nowhere to draw the line.

How are you supposed to know if someone is genuinely interested in you by relying on your doubt-filled feelings?

Doubt takes even the most obvious of details and murks it with unhelpful meanings.

Questioning whether or not someone loves you or is interested in you by looking for evidence that they don’t is one way of feeding into that doubt.

It is true that people tend to invest their time in those they are interested in but that is not always expressed in the way you expect.

Again, there are many reasons why someone may have an interest in you but never seem to make the effort of showing it.

Some people are scared, some are guilty of letting past relationships go, some are dealing with life conditions you might not know about, it could be anything.

When you approach your relationships with doubt, the evidence of how non-interested he or she is will be very clear even if they are dying to be with you.

…

Men might surely reveal themselves through their actions but those actions might not always be what you are looking for.

There are many factors to consider and it’s not just an issue of yes or no. There are a lot of maybes.

Your guess is as good as any

If you are going to hop through relationships hurting yourself and other people just because you notice inconsistencies that you are making up, what a horrible and inconsiderate way to live!!

What you should do instead

Listen

First of all, if you are scared of asking, then first listen to their conversations with you. People often talk about things they are feeling.

This can help you gauge where they are mentally and help you weigh whether or not they are open to being in a relationship with you or anybody else.

Meet them

A lot is lost in text messages. People type and delete stuff before they send those texts.

Messages are highly filtered and crafted to keep up a facade or in this case, to hide those feelings.

When you meet them, their physiology won’t be that smart.

Invest in creating memories with them

The fabric of relationships is created through memories.

Even when the feelings fade, it is those memories that will keep the relationship together.

Instead of wasting time thinking about whether someone likes you, create memories with them instead.

Maybe along the way, you will find out the answers you seek.

Simply ask

Use the nuclear route. Ask. Make your feelings clear.

I have done this one before. Got rejected terribly. But it stopped my agony of endless maybes and what-ifs.

You must understand that people have their own desires and your feelings about them may not always be reciprocated.

Ask. You could ride into the sunset sooner. Or not.

…

Relationships are complex and we cannot just simply navigate them through the black and white lens.

Even if someone is interested in you, their apparent disinterest in you is not always about you.
It is more about them and the things they have to work through in order to get through to you or anyone they love.

It only hurts you and the person you like when you think that they are not worth your time just because of their actions and your pessimistic feelings.

Like my friend once said… “…I am the one that experienced them…”.

Therefore, do not let anyone tell you how to make meaning from that experience. Navigate the black and white, but don’t forget the greys too.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***