Contempt.
If you had tuned into the ‘The Gottman Doctors’ episode on Steven Bartlett’s podcast, The Diary of a CEO, you would have heard how contempt can be the biggest killer of relationships.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman explored how this negative emotional response may be the most significant indicator for divorce.
What is contempt, and why does it have such a monumental impact on relationships?
Let’s delve into the science of love and find out a little more about this relationship killer.
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What is Contempt?
Although contempt may be the best predictor of divorce, there does not seem to be a conclusive definition of this emotion within scientific literature.
A famous study by Ekman and Friesen consisted of college students from 10 cultures that chose translations of ‘contempt’ as distinct facial expressions, including the unilateral lip curl.
Other studies have assumed ‘contempt’ refers to emotions, such as anger and disgust, or having a range of facial, postural, and behavioural expressions such as a neutral face.
Contempt was defined by the Gottman doctors as criticism from a point of superiority, or demonstrating snobbery.
Examples include:
- Correcting grammar when the other person is angry
- Thinking they’re more punctual than the other
- Thinking that they’re tidier than the other
- Thinking that they’re better informed than the other
Julie Gottman also added that contempt can also be demonstrated through:
- Name-calling/calling someone bad names
- Sarcasm that crosses over into hurt
- Mockery
They also explained contempt through a scenario of a couple within a car:
In this scenario, the woman, for example, may be looking out of the window, and says to her partner, “Oh, look at the trees, they’re so beautiful!”
Her partner may respond with contempt, criticising her bid for attention, saying, “You always say things like that!”
OR
“Why do you always talk about trees, are you a hippy?”
*This example has been modified from the one used in the episode
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Bids for Attention/Affection
The scenario of contempt shown above may not be the best way of responding to a bid for attention, something which, in and of itself, may be a predictor of a bad relationship.
A bid for attention or affection includes a gesture that signals to the other partner that they are in need for attention; these bids for attention have been described by John Gottman as the fundamental unit of emotional connection.
The Gottman Institute website states that happy couples turn towards their partners approximately 20 times more than couples that are in distress during normal daily, non-conflict interactions.
Interestingly, analysis from their Love Lab has found that newlyweds that were still married six years after their wedding turned towards each other 86% of the time, however those who were divorced six years later, only turned towards their partners 33% of the time.
John Gottman stated returning your partner’s bids for emotional connection can be likened to making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account, where couples can add value to their account when they build on positive moments.
This is useful as during stresses of life, the investment in an Emotional Bank Account can reduce the probability that the stresses can climax into a catastrophic conflict between couples.
Going back to the car scenario, a better way to respond to the bid for attention, instead of contempt or criticism, the other partner can reply with positivity and acknowledgement:
“You’re right, the trees are very beautiful!”
“I love cherry blossoms, they’re my favourite, what’s your favourite tree?”
Returning bids for attention may ensure relationships last longer, and can take place in all sorts of settings, such as in parties or in public, where one person may turn to look at their significant other, waiting for acknowledgement.
Returning a bid in this setting, where both parties are engaged in conversations with different groups of people across the room from each other, can consist of acknowledging you noticed the person turned towards you by maintaining eye contact, smiling, or even winking.
This signals to the person, ‘you’ve seen me, and you acknowledge my relationship with you’.
This leaves the person feeling secure in their relationship, with more investment in their Emotional Bank Account.
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Is Screaming During Arguments Bad?
With various couples communicating in different ways, one thing is clear: if there is contempt shown during arguments, this couple may not last.
Although screaming seems to be aggressive, it is actually only one form of argument, as stated by Julie Gottman.
Couples who don’t scream during arguments are equally as likely to divorce if they also respond with contempt, no matter the volume they use.
Communication approaches are personal to the couple, and in a couple that does engage in screaming, both partners are volatile, however, the words they’re using whilst screaming may be an indicator that demonstrates the stability of their relationship.
Are the words they’re using showing contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling? These Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are antagonistic to marital stability.
John Gottman’s research revealed a conflict process that demonstrated primary emotions such as, anger, sadness, worry, etc, can lead to the Four Horsemen when they are dismissed or responded to with negativity.
If the Four Horsemen are used during an argument, then the relationship would be less likely to work.
Julie explained that screaming itself is not ‘bad’. For example, if someone is screaming saying they’re so furious — as this is a description of themselves, it may not be a bad thing.
Screaming while communicating how you feel is very different from screaming at someone and telling them how awful they are.
Focusing on yourself and how you feel is a better way to communicate during arguments, such as:
“When you don’t speak to me after coming home, it makes me feel abandoned”.
This is very different to saying:
“You never speak to me when you come home! You know it annoys me and you always do it!”
Julie furthered this point, with reframing the argument differently and instead focusing on what you love, such as:
“I love it when you come home and speak to me about your day”.
This reframe can make the other person feel more encouraged to change their behaviour.
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Key Takeaways
- Overall, contempt is the biggest killer of relationships and is the best predictor of divorce.
- Contempt consists of criticism from a point of superiority or a show of snobbery.
- Returning a bid for attention with contempt can lead to bad relationship outcomes, while responding with acknowledgement and positivity, can lead to positive and healthier relationship outcomes.
- If the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling) are used during an argument, this can lead to marital instability, with contempt being the most destructive pattern.
- Don’t miss any articles by subscribing here!
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References and Further Reading
The Gottman Doctors: Women tend to be more unhappily married & non-cuddlers have an awful sex life! YouTube. March 28, 2024. Accessed April 25, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS3bfCt0K88.
The Gottman Method . The Gottman Institute. April 11, 2024. Accessed April 25, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/.
Lisitsa E. An introduction to emotional bids and trust. The Gottman Institute. March 5, 2024. Accessed April 25, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/.
Rajendrakumar J. What causes contempt in relationships. The Gottman Institute. March 5, 2024. Accessed April 25, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-causes-contempt-in-relationships/.
Giner-Sorolla R, Fischer AH. Contempt, like any other social affect, can be an emotion as well as a sentiment. Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 2017;40. doi:10.1017/s0140525x16000765
Schriber RA, Chung JM, Sorensen KS, Robins RW. Dispositional contempt: A first look at the contemptuous person. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2017;113(2):280–309. doi:10.1037/pspp0000101
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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