Forgiveness is a choice many never make due to not understanding that blame is self-harm, while forgiveness is the highest act of self-love.
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We have all experienced the bites of betrayal, deceit, and disappointment. Unfortunately we will experience those bites again throughout this human existence. The bite is razor sharp and lasts less than a second. Our human bodies have been endowed with the ability to heal themselves, and there are often no visible scars from these bites. So why do so many die from a bite that lasts less than a second and heals so quickly? Why is it that some people die to their own passions, callings, trust, compassion, heart, dreams, and potential from a one second bite of betrayal, deceit, or disappointment? Because it is never the bite that kills us, it’s the venom.
The cause of the sting, pain, hurt, and death is from the venom entering our being, coursing through our veins, our lives, and inevitably through the lives of all those around us. The venom produces fangs and an aggression within the carrier that makes them ready to bite others because they think this will protect them from being bit again. The venom and fangs of distrust, hate, arrogance, unworthiness, addictions, self-righteousness, contrived malice, self-sabotage, greed, suicide, and violence in all its forms are only some of the things that manifest from venom left within us.
This type of poisoned mindset, probably because it has been happening for so long now, is an almost accepted and even expected form of existence. Some may even attempt to convince us that growing fangs and infecting others with poison before others can do that to us is strong, but it isn’t. It requires a lot of energy and effort, but not strength. It does however require great strength and courage to break a venomous mindset and cycle by seeking the antidote. And those who have dared to embark upon the journey of breaking negative cycles will always find the antidote, because it is available to everyone, but for the antidote to work it must be accepted.
The heart of a person infected with venom begins to shut down and this stage is known as Don’t talk. Don’t tell. Don’t feel. Which are the three rules in all unhealthy relationships. Yet, the exact opposite of these rules is required to dissolve the fangs that have grown from the venom. Talking, telling, and feeling has to happen for the antidote to be accepted. We can talk, tell, and feel with another person, group, or by ourselves in prayer and meditation. We can talk, tell, and feel through writing, painting, drawing, dancing, or in whatever manner we are comfortable so long as we do it. It doesn’t matter how long or how many times we have to talk, tell, and feel, it takes as long as it takes, and individual time frames are different, but the results do not vary. The end results are always the same when we talk, tell, and feel; the fangs dissolve and a newfound desire to heal is uncovered.
With a new inspiration to heal from talking, telling, and feeling, the fangs are dissolved and the aggression is dulled, but the fangs and aggression will regrow if we do not completely eliminate the venom from our being. Talking, telling, and feeling now have to be coupled with an understanding that facing the truth and finding peace has nothing to do with blame. Although blame appears as logical, blame takes the painful moments in our lives and turns them into the rest of our lives. So, am I saying that someone who bit us and infected us with venom is not at fault? No, but I am saying that it is our responsibility (response-ability) to seek and accept the antidote to the venom from that bite for ourselves. For as long as our life is someone else’s fault, it’s not our life. Do we want our life back, or do we want to stay with the seemingly logical, yet costly path of blame for our life for the rest of our life? Before we consider f.e.a.r – forget everything and run back to the comfort zone of blame, let’s look at the perspectives of two prominent human beings on the venom of anger and resentment, which are of course impossible to carry without blame. As seemingly logical as blame may be, Buddha and Nelson Mandela offer perspectives that show us the illogical course of blame.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”~ Buddha
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”~ Nelson Mandela
To willingly hold anger and resentment, knowing that anger and resentment will hurt and hinder us, shows us that when we use the tool of blame, we will always blame ourselves. We must have blamed ourselves at some level or we would not be willing to grasp hot coals, or drink poison. To put it another way, we will always receive what we offer, and we can only offer what we carry.
The antidote is forgiveness. Think about some things you have deemed unforgivable. Now, ask yourself if there are people who have forgiven what you have deemed unforgivable. Being honest with ourselves we find that forgivable and unforgivable are boxes that we place things in. To forgive or be unforgiving is but a choice. A simple choice? No. Forgiveness is a choice many never make due to not understanding that blame is self-harm, while forgiveness is the highest act of self-love we can offer ourselves by giving it to others. Understanding that blame is self-harm and forgiveness is self-love, moves us from saying, “They don’t deserve my forgiveness,” to “I deserve forgiveness and all its benefits.”
Does this mean we forgive, rid ourselves of the venom we carried for so long, then invite venom carriers over for dinner? No. Forgiveness does not mean we allow people with ill intentions in our lives, or live without healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are necessary, and we are able to develop the healthiest boundaries for ourselves when we forgive.
Forgiveness is viewed by many as illogical. Blame, although viewed by many as logical is a cycle of venom that is insane, hurtful, self-harming, and imprisoning. It took me many years of sampling various remedies, yet when I was introduced to the illogical antidote of forgiveness there was not one single part of my life that was left uncured, unhealed, or undelivered from the venom of pain, loss, tragedy, and fear. I would rather have an illogical antidote that works than a logical remedy that only exacerbates the causes and symptoms of what I need healed from.
If you breath in courage and trust, then say with all your heart, mind, and spirit that you forgive _______________(say their names) for ____________________(say the acts), and allow the tears of purification to rise from within you, pushing out the venom that was never yours to carry, the venom will flow out of you through your weeping. Hold nothing back, let it all out, and you will experience the miracle of forgiveness. You will experience the peace and joy you had before you were bitten, realizing that unforgiveness was blocking you from what we all long for, peace. After forgiving, you will count your scars as the number of times you’ve been healed, not wounded.
Photo: Neal Fowler/Flickr
That was awesome!!!
Edmond ~
Thank you so much for taking the time to share that comment. I am grateful that it was received with the same love I wrote it with.
~ Walk In Beauty,
Anthony Goulet
Some more reading on forgiveness, here with the focus on sexual abuse, but no less relevant: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/2013/03/six-things-to-know-about-sexual-abuse-and-forgiveness/
Thank you for recommending that article.
~ Walk In Beauty,
Anthony Goulet