To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. ― Elbert Hubbard
I didn’t like your porn video. — A message last year
For those that follow my work, it may be obvious that I don’t work within the adult industry. In this particular instance, I had struck a chord with a semi-nude Fine Art photoshoot I had worked on, and felt its echo in my ear for weeks after.
As children, when we come to understand language, we quickly realize that the world doesn’t always have kind things to bestow upon us. We all cope with this harsh reality in different ways. After a ten-year career in the arts, I only have one rule for criticism, and that is “Turn it into growth”.
Considering the magnitude of emotions a single remark can trigger, it may seem over-simplified, trivial even. As living breathing humans with an ever-spinning kaleidoscope of emotions, hearing that our efforts go unappreciated, our opinions belittled, and our work brushed aside can hurt in the meanest of ways.
As someone who has received her share of unsolicited “critiques” as some might call them, I want to share my thought process on how I work with the naysayers and navigate with them throughout my career.
When Your Heart Plummets
Last week I got an email regarding my artwork. The series in question was a number of self-portraits I had taken after my ovarian surgery last year in April.
Two weeks of being in the hospital was all it took to unravel 28 years of a functioning and healthy body. Even despite having a 7cm blood clot removed and unknowingly stepping into the shadow of death, I was critical of my body and woke up every morning both angry and in fear of it. Why hadn’t it stayed the way it was?
It took three months to teach myself basic physical skills such as lifting my legs, walking normally, and even going to the bathroom without pain. I remained unable to pull myself out of depression and needed healing mentally just as much as physically.
I took to photographing my body in all of its changes. I began to document and celebrate how beautifully my body was healing. The work I did allowed me to return back to myself, and to rediscover a new gratitude for the vessel that carries me.
But last week with a single message in my inbox, the wound found itself reopened. I hadn’t realized that in the process of bandaging my trauma, I had left the threads exposed, and all it took was one tug and it unraveled. The message came out of left-field, and I blinked several times trying to fully process it. My stomach began to swirl as I read through each word.
The end of the email read:
P.S.
My apologies for saying so, but the “Pearls” pictures didn’t seem as polished as your other photography, which I always find impressive! The pearls seemed randomly placed with no underlying design or logic or erotic implication. Perhaps a younger model would help.
Again, apologies for offering my opinion — I myself am hopeless at photography!
The subtle comments on the images not suiting personal erotic preferences, and suggesting that a younger model might solve this, was probably what hit with the most impact. My brain scrambled with excuses, telling myself that 28 was a perfectly fine age, most definitely still youthful, and undoubtedly worthy of physical praise.
The author also undertook himself to sound helpful. Squeezing in apologies first, lacing it with compliments, and then undermining his own knowledge of photography.
While this email could have been written with the best intentions and is tame in comparison, it hurt deeply because of the subject. It was my body, it was my healing, and I felt transported back to those moments where I would look in a mirror and feel a swelling of contempt.
After a day, I found myself back to a stabilized mental state and I was able to receive the email objectively. But this type of criticism isn’t one that can help you along your path as a creator.
A Good Critique Transforms You
The most unrivaled critique I received was from a German man when I was nineteen years old. Not only did he encompass all the beloved characteristics of a German person, but he was an ex-military officer who created a fashion magazine, so it goes without saying that he was an intimidating man.
He was a giant compared to my small 5’1 frame, and there I was sitting in his dim studio office, presenting my work to him. It would mark the first time showing my pieces to someone who wasn’t unconditionally supportive of me. Up to this point, negative remarks were sparse, and I anticipated nothing but compliments. Maybe not a waterfall of them, but at least a trickle was expected.
He opened my book and smirked. Observing his face, I felt like it was a good thing. He even had a twinkle in his eye. Definitely positive, I told myself.
After flipping through a few pages he closed my book and sighed. “It looks like you have no idea what you are doing.” He said cuttingly. My breath stopped, and I stared at him awkwardly, wondering if I had misheard. “Yes,” He continued, “It looks like you just threw things together with your friend. No inspiration, no organization. This doesn’t look like a photo shoot.”
My words jumbled up in the back of my throat, and I was unable to find any response except “Oh, I see.” I felt baffled. He sensed my confusion and smiled at me once more. “Let me show you.”
For the next 15 minutes, he took me through his eyes and revealed why everything was uninspired and unprofessional. He told me about real fashion, about what goes on behind the scenes, listing team members and terms like stylists, location scouting, and mood boards. These were mysterious words I had not yet learned. For those short minutes, he took me with him on a journey and he unknowingly paved a pathway for what I was about to do.
As I was leaving his office, I felt myself floating with each step to the elevator. The air was electric, and it was carrying me off with it. Only one word is fitting for that moment: Elation.
I knew I had been given an immense gift. Previously, I had feared criticism, and now I felt nothing but delight. It was the first day I learned that I didn’t have to be made to feel small to receive a critique.
I sat in Starbucks that day and made a list of all the fashion brands and vernacular he had told me about. It was my first step in understanding the path many feet had trodden on. He just gave me a flashlight so I wouldn’t get too lost in the unforgiving woods of the fashion world.
They Inspire You To Do Better
One year after I had that meeting, I emailed him back to reintroduce myself. Thankfully he remembered the blubbering amateur artist I was and invited me to show an updated portfolio. We met in that same office where I was given the original verbal enlightenment.
This time, he looked down sternly. Slowly examining each piece in the folder. I rubbed my hands together nervously, humbled by our initial meeting. He put my book down, and he looked straight at me and smiled.
“I want you to be in the next edition.”
One year before, in just 15 minutes he not only showed me what it took to be better, he showed me how to be better. I was in a place where I could recognize it, and I ran with it.
It doesn’t take long to inspire someone, and it can push you through years of work. A good critique isn’t characterized by how it tears you down, but how many blocks it gives you to build yourself up.
Walking Towards Growth
If we seek to exist peacefully in life, we must not only learn to be content with criticism but to embrace it when it chases after us. We need to talk to the words that hurt the most, and use them to work with us and for us.
We must also address that these outside critics are nothing in comparison to what they ultimately feed into: Our inner critic. To find ourselves unscathed by the derogatory rod of others, we must be careful to not take it into our own hands. Sometimes we are the ones doing most of the work in punishing ourselves.
These days, I make sure that I take time to quiet my mind, just enough to become aware of this magical existence we are all in. So whenever you feel negativity heavy on your heart and mind, you must hold fast to the belief that it will be better. This is when kindness becomes not only essential but potentially lifesaving.
After years of repetition, our self-criticism can become constant background music in our minds and camouflages itself into the forest of our thought life. We become unaware that it is right there with us. What a horrible thing to become so used to the foghorn of our self-critique, that we have become deaf to it.
When you feel the words of self-doubt mounting up against your mind, threatening to self-destruct, I want you to do one thing: Tell yourself a different story. You know that you have been working for ages, you know you are tired, and you know that you are creating majestic things. But we cannot let it define us. We are artists second, and people first, and we deserve kindness from ourselves.
Tell yourself a different story. Our bodies are limited libraries, so which volumes will be on your shelves? Will it be, “The Day I Punished Myself For Not Doing the Thing I Love”?, or “The Tale of the Artist Who Hated Herself”?Tell yourself that you all worthy of all happiness and that if you sit quietly enough, you will find it knocking on the door again. Just be there to open it.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Author