I recently watched a short clip from Hannah Gadsby at Power 100 Women in Entertainment#1, published on SBS News. It’s about men crossing the line in respect to their behavior towards women.
We need to talk about how men will draw a different line for every different occasion…a line for when their wives, mothers, sisters, daughters are watching…
Hannah’s recent show Nanette was powerful and brave. In it she talks about the violent sexual behavior of men in her own younger life. It’s harrowing, yet crucial for her in rising above her residual shame. Completely inappropriate shame, that has shaped her life.
Male sexual violence against women is deplorable.
However, I find the implication troubling that all men view themselves as good, then move the line they have drawn at will, to allow themselves to be bad with impunity.
I am certainly no angel myself — I’ve behaved in ways I’m not proud of — but I don’t excuse my actions. I know when I’ve done wrong and have suffered decades of tormented memories of harm I may have caused by a wrong word, intention or deed. I aspire to be a better man, even as I have so clearly failed in the past.
I have witnessed unsolicited male sexual behavior towards women being tolerated or hushed. Paradoxically, women have excused behaviors that I’ve found unbearable, such as leering, sexual comments and advances.
Let me put this in the context that I lived as a woman for 47 years. A woman who did not want such sexual advances; who suffered sexual threat, sexual violence and sexual shame. I used to be enraged that men had this power over me, that I felt helpless about.
Men do have power and privilege, and some men behave appallingly, but do they ALL move the line to suit them? What about honorable men, who go out of their way to treat others well?
We have in Australia just got through the Royal Commission into Initial Responses to Child Sexual Abuse#2. It handled 42,041 cases of institutionalized abuse. I have personally spoken with a number of male survivors and witnessed their shattered lives. Some of their stories were so horrifying that I was barely able to listen.
Women have the right to draw their own line.
“Good men do very bad things and still believe in their hearts that they are good men”.
Perhaps when they believe themselves good, it’s that they are capable of good? Not that they are good all the time.
I’m not condoning bad behavior, just acknowledging that none of us is perfect. If a crime is committed, justice must be served. Deep and sincere apologies, re-training and recompense I hope may help.
I’m not saying ignore or excuse crime, just that redemption is worth striving for. Humans are capable of such love, care and selfless generosity. They possess a miraculous ability to rise again and I am awed when I witness this in any of us.
I choose to keep believing in the power of redemption.
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#1 https://www.facebook.com/SBSAustralia/videos/vb.68043178685/2129600730623722/?type=2&theater
#2 https://www.childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au
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