Men are still shamed for crying
Very often at the many messy intersections of gender, race, class, and generation, we find public attitudes that evolve slowly, but evolve nevertheless.
A shift that was slow to come, and that is yet experiencing major backlash, is the movement for men and boys to throw off their chains of traditional roles, and burst out of the man box with newfound freedom.
Crying, not just raging and fist throwing, is hailed as progress.
Men, society now says, should feel free to display their sensitivity.
Many progressive people hope they can cry with joy at this development. But, it’s not that easy. And as of yet, acceptable tears are reserved to be acknowledged in public by someone like Brett Kavanaugh, or an impassioned televangelist who begs for you to “just think of the unborn children!”
Hiding what we feel
Looking closely at who is at liberty to cry, and who is not sanctioned to do so, reveals much.
For many feminists, public displays of human emotion, although given quivering lip service in theory, are remarkably rare in dialogue. You won’t see Hillary Clinton tear up even at a significant loss for the nation in terms of lost opportunity to save lives, preserve nature, help poor and indigenous peoples, wildlife, and/or even the planet.
No crying over spilled oil slicks, or fires, or floods that destroy property, livelihood, pristine places, or even extinctions — the greatest tragic and unnecessary loss of wonderful life and diversity in existence.
It seems that “big girls don’t cry,” and if they do, they’re presumed weak. Big boys can only cry in certain situations.
Likewise, no freedom to express sadness from PTSD, or trauma, for people like Christine Blasey Ford’s crying without extreme criticism about her performance of “crying without visible tears” is offered.
President Obama is said to have cried after receiving news about the Newtown massacre of children and teachers. He was criticized for it.
A few of us can remember when John Boehner was speaker of the house, and he famously drenched puddles of the stuff over such moving events as the unveiling of a Reagan statue, or standing beside his own portrait.
Truly heart-wrenching stuff, right? And, convicted rapist R. Kelly famously wept in an interview with Gayle King as he cried that he was: “fighting for my g___d___ life.”
Who are we to say whether these tearful men were in real emotional distress, or experiencing genuine sentiment. They may well have been. However, it is obvious to anyone paying attention that the waterworks flowed not for victims, or injustice, or trauma, but to elicit sympathy and attention to their particular cause, plight, or right.
What are tears for?
Tears, very rare in mammals, serve multiple layers of usefulness. Setting aside those that just help fight irritants, or providing all day, lubrication, (Basal tears) there are further uses.
Tears of emotion are particularly wonderful.
Tears cleanse. They excrete toxins. They produce leucine, and even trigger release of neurotransmitters, natural pain killers. They provide healing.
But tears have even more super-powers in their ability to provide information during human interaction. They allow trust building by display of vulnerability. They display a certain level of sincerity and honesty in most cases.
But our traditional macho cultures shame tears evocative of compassion.
Men who stuff their emotions, especially pain, are well documented to express them in anger and often violence, instead.
Cry because you are a human being
Men generally don’t apologize for their anger. Women, (and some men) often apologize for their tears. This is because crying is seen as womanly, and misogyny — being shamed for crying — still looms large. It is also evident in homophobia.
This is backwards. Taking all the benefits of our natural gifts of tears is very fundamental to communicating need, displaying our humanity, as well as the healing properties they have evolved to provide for us.
Tear ducts do not just exist in women, or little girls, or babies. Nature allows that all people produce tears and nature is smarter than any of us.
The truth is, that feminists, like Clinton, like Obama, and like Ford, are not yet privileged to safely display their genuine vulnerability. If they do, people will disregard that their tears are actually useful, purposeful, and evolved, over these last few million years.
Movie star hunk, Matthew McConaughey cried at the premier of Interstellar, as what he describes as a love story about parental love and loss. Truly human stuff. He is far from the only man to do so in Hollywood.
Although nature heartily approves of us being grateful, and even proud, or our intelligent body’s ability to cleanse, heal, lubricate and communicate, we are not yet allowing people to show one of our most reliable, and useful gifts: to take pride in our humanity, and to not just employ weaponized tears to elicit public sympathy or to milk sympathy for votes or donations.
Tears, and in fact, expressing any genuine emotion is a strength.
It displays that a person feels something and is courageous enough to show it. Real tears show that we don’t need more toxic masculinity, but we do welcome sincere expression of the truths of life that are real, such as tragic loss, remorseful grief, sorrow at injustice, or being moved by something truly beautiful that touches us.
Maybe John Boehner is the only being known to have seen the divine beauty in that portrait of himself; if so, more power to him.
All feminists should be open and unapologetic about tears.
In this we have a long way to go, and that should make you reach for a handkerchief for what denying our humanity is costing us.
If we want truth, justice, equality, and real kinship, we have to learn it’s fully human to cry.
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This post was previously published on Equality Includes You.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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