Curiosity and Ego

Today I want to talk about sexual curiosity.

I get that as men we are taught, we should know everything and be in charge so we feel very vulnerable if anything shakes our belief in our abilities.

The connection we have learned between our ability and our self-worth makes it devastating for some to be told they are not good at something.

Our ability is not our identity.

And there is great freedom in letting go of this idea, so we don’t have to fear feedback and finding out that we can improve too.

Every woman is different, and so even someone like me that spends a lot of time learning about women’s sexuality and have explored both the theory and practice, can’t apply what worked with one to the next.

Because women are different, and so you can’t know just what and how this new woman experience the most pleasure.

And, even if you have been with someone for years you might never have open talks about this, so it’s ok you did not get it right.

That’s where curiosity comes in.

Being curious about your woman’s pleasure, and realizing you are not supposed to know, so ask, experiment and know that when she tells you she does not like something it’s not about you or your competence.

It’s simply that she might like different fantasies to your ex, or she might like to be touched differently, or her turn on cycle might be slower or faster….

So, seek out feedback and if you show curiosity and acceptance then you will help your partner open up and start exploring her own sexuality more too.

It’s the best sex tool you can get, as that is how you learn about her individual experience.

And while there might be similarities to others her experience is unique, and that’s part of what’s so wonderful about getting to know someone new.

Judgment comes from fear and so when you feel fearful of not getting it right or being a good lover, it will impact your desire, perhaps your ability to get hard and it will also shut down your partner’s willingness to share and so it’s likely you will never learn what she likes.

When relationships are new hormone levels rise as things are uncertain, new and exciting, needless to say, sex happens more often and easier.

Curiosity is also being curious about what looks different.

So, rather than judgment that we are feed by our culture around women’s bodies and how they should look, if you can instead learn to be curious you can see the beauty and sexiness in what’s different too.

Women are bombarded with messages around their body and told they are imperfect because they don’t fit some photoshopped image on a magazine.

Find ways to express your appreciation for her body, and what you love about it.

I don’t want you to be fake.

I want you to be curious.

Trust me, your partner feeling good about her body will benefit you both.

Make compliments specific and about how they impact you like “Your legs look so sexy; it makes me jump out of bed in the morning to get a look at you”.

If it’s a body part she feels insecure about it, this can have an even bigger impact.

The more comfortable a woman is with her own body the more pleasure she will experience, and this leads to increased sexual appetite and enjoyment.

She is far more likely to present and, in the moment, rather than worried and self-conscious about her body.

Also, remember to compliment her personality and not exclusively focus on her body. There is a person behind the beauty.

Originally published on ZenSensa

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