It’s ok to be intimidated by me. Not every father can look as I do at the end of the summer. My look can best be described as desperately exhausted, and if I was in Paris, I would be the talk of the town. My look is a combination of faded t-shirts that are the last ones clean and a phone that is somehow covered in jelly. It’s a style that only a true professional fashionista can pull off.
Let’s start with the accessories.
The sunglasses that I’m using are made for a 5-year-old. I found them in an old backpack while I was looking for a toy that my kids swore we left in there 4 years ago. Notice how the bright blue and extremely small size contrasts with my deeply tanned skin and giant head. I imagine that this is what the prey of a praying mantis sees right before the end. They are a much better choice than my normal sunglasses which were eaten by the dog.
My hat is also of the Dog Eaten collection. This particular one hasn’t been worn since 1999, and the half-gone bill does a fantastic job of not blocking out the sun. My normal hat has been retired given that my daughter “borrowed it” and left it at one of her friend’s houses. Notice as well that the faded black (I didn’t know that black cold fade) highlights the missing picture on the front so you only see an outline of the past. It truly brings the look down 12 levels.
As for my bag, I don’t want to brag, but it is last year’s Target. Designed by a sweatshop in Cambodia, it has pockets for all of your life’s necessities such as fruit snack wrappers and old chewed gum. What I really love about this bag is how the crumbles of past granola bars mix with spilled sunscreen to make a nice sandpaper that I can use later in my garage. Until then, I will continue to reach my hand in this monstrosity and grind off my fingerprints incase the fashion police attempt to identify me.
And just because I look so good does not mean I don’t think about safety. My look is both fabulous and functional. Before I go to the pool for the last time this summer, I make sure to apply all of that sunscreen. Well, not the granola collection. No, I have 5 different sticks of sunscreen. They look like little bottles of deodorant and are meant for only the face. But I’m a rebel and expand the meaning of fashion. I use that deodorant stick all over my body. And don’t worry, it’s completely cool to put SPF 15 on your chest and SPF 1000 on your shoulders. I should get a nice and even tan that looks like a paint by numbers.
At the end of this summer season, I will also be sporting the half-deflated dads only floaty. This is the one that the kids promised to never touch because it was dads. Notice how the seat is nothing but limp plastic while the back is so overinflated it looks like a frog croaking. From this water thrown me and my sunglasses and dangerously tilt right into the water. With any luck, it will hold my head down.
My flipflops are what we call Mismatched Couture. Antiqued by dog teeth, one is hanging on by a literal thread and the other is bright blue. Sure, I could spend the rest of my summer looking for a complete set, but like I said, I don’t play by the rules. The duct tape repairs on both though highlight some of its other great features like complete uncomfortablity.
Finally, let me direct your attention to the swim trunks as well. Notice how they are held on by a piece of garage rope. Yes, that’s the same rope that I use to tie down large hauls so it’s only natural that the inch thickens be used on my swim trunks. Also take a moment to appreciate the small gap in the back. Is that a hole or is the fabric just so worn that it’s become translucent? Gaze at my butt and contemplate your life choices.
Its ok if you avert your eyes at the pool with your family. When I show up with my screaming circus, I know that we can be a bit intimidating. With screams of “Why didn’t you pack the snacks dad?” or “I’m hot,” this is not the fashion from everyone. And when I take off my shirt so you can see my farmer’s tan, please do cover the eyes of your children. If you feint, just rest assured that the memory of me will be in your head for the rest of your life. It’s best just to accept it now.
And at the end of the last trip to the pool this summer, I will complete our tradition of going home and burning everything that I’m wearing. It’s the only way to be sure that it never happens again.
At least until next year.
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