As the summer heat rose to 104 degrees it was at that moment my mother helped us pack our clothes because summer times were spent at our father’s house. Statistically speaking another father-daughter relationship was separated by the courts. The story of how it all happened resembles an untold mystery to this day. As a little girl, I knew not to ask questions, so I embraced the time spent.
Most of the memories involved cousins, aunts, uncles, laughter, tears, swimming, and yes oh yes baseball fields. The orange sand would ruin my shoes and infuriate my mom when we would return. Kids being kids at the baseball fields, while eating hot dogs and chewing on the famous pink bubble gum, the one with the red, white, and blue wrapper. Hour after hour we watched as the adults played until the sun went down. This became the main way to establish the father-daughter bond.
As time passed on, daddy’s little girls grew up without his everyday presence. Identities formed around always feeling like you were explaining yourself to two different people. Both sides never really took the time to understand how having to constantly be in the middle would change the way I saw and understood the world. The back and forth left me with a sense of instability and as an adult a need to be in the know so I can feel prepared, sometimes it can manifest in needing control.
…
The lack of one parent not being readily available shifts a child’s perspectives and understandings. It does not mean separated parents are not good for their children, or that parents should stay together for the sake of the kids. In fact, parents have to work harder to ensure the relationship with their children stays strong. Parents have to work harder to pay attention to the shifts in change. It does not mean a parent will know what to do but recognizing the change and acknowledging their child’s changes allows for the child to be seen.
“Children should be seen and not heard.”
This statement can be far from the truth, yet our society continues to believe children know little and therefore should continue to be quiet. As parents, we tell them to listen, not to speak, and if they speak do not be too loud. It was not until the age of 20 that I spoke up to my parents. It manifested in my younger years in other ways. I tried to hold titles so they would recognize me and acknowledge me. However, when a child continues to do things and the results show the same ending with little to no change, eventually the child gives up.
For me, at the age of 20 life was moving on, college was the goal, and work and stability was the drive. So when my parents tried to encourage, or implement their ideas and thoughts in my life, the anger grew and words formulated into
“You can not tell me what to do, and you were not there for me growing up so do not try now.”
I was finally seen for being the individual I had always been. As divorced parents, they did their best to recognize when I needed them physically, but emotionally they were not available. Like many children of divorced families, I had an added father. He too struggled with his own trauma and disconnect but brought the lessons and knowledge of, doing the work yourself to have respect for yourself.
Looking back, being a parent is not easy and lessons are learned sometimes in the moment, that is if you want to pay attention to them. The men in my life could not be present in a daily routine and that leaves me with unknowns. So here are the lessons I bring into my parenting.
- Every pushback from a child is because they know something I do not.
- When a child yells or snaps back with an attitude, they are needing to be heard but may not know what they need.
- Silence from a kid is not normal, ask what they need from me.
- Children grow and adapt within their environment, be mindful of the environment you place them in.
- All and any parents in a child’s life have a responsibility to monitor their own trauma so it does not become your child’s trauma.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 |
—
Photo credit: Animesh Bhargava on Unsplash
