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Introduction
By Al Watts
From Dads Behaving Dadly: 67 Truths, Tears and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2014 Motivational Press. By Hogan Hilling and Al Watts
I wasn’t sure I could be a good dad. I had no experience with babies and the few times I babysat some neighborhood boys; it was pretty much a disaster.
After labor with our first daughter dragged on for 26 hours, my wife was finally wheeled into the operating room for a C-section. The procedure took only a few minutes, but after the long labor, my wife was exhausted. She kissed our new baby on the head and was wheeled to recovery.
I was alone. And my daughter started to scream.
I had counted on my wife to tell me what to do, but she wasn’t there. I could have asked the nurses for help except I knew my wife was counting on me to be there for our little girl.
Somehow I remembered from a birthing class we attended that babies instinctively like to suck. I stuck the ring finger of my right hand into our daughter’s mouth, and she instantly quieted down. For 2 hours, the only thing that kept her happy was sucking on my finger. At that moment, I realized I could be a good dad.
Forty years ago, this intimate father/daughter moment would not have happened. Most dads weren’t allowed in the delivery room or believed soothing their baby was part of their role. A dad’s role was to provide financially for the family, offer stern discipline when necessary, and enjoy his children in whatever spare time he had. This remains the perception by many in society about what dads still want today.
It isn’t.
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More and more fathers are asserting themselves, actively taking part in changing diapers, attending doctor’s appointments, participating in PTA meetings and helping with homework. Increasingly, men like me have chosen to leave the workforce to be stay-at-home dads. The mold of a father as only a breadwinner is breaking. The result is a new fatherhood culture, and it is changing the very definition of what it means to be a dad.
In the following pages, dads of different socio-economic backgrounds, races, and family structures candidly describe the truths, tears and triumphs of modern fatherhood. Their honest, heart-warming, heart-breaking and humorous messages provide an in-depth look into how fatherhood has changed and how men are handling the more active parenting role they now want. They are “dads behaving DADLY.”
A new image of fatherhood will emerge as you read these stories. No longer will you see dads as stoic, inept, incompetent, hands-off parents. You will see dads are in the trenches; changing diapers, teaching independence and sacrificing career advancement to do what it takes to be involved parents. You will learn how dads parent differently and how it provides unique benefits for their children.
To understand how and why dads are becoming more actively engaged parents, it is important to understand a little of the history of fatherhood. Before the dawn of the industrial age in the 19th century, nearly every family in the U.S. lived on a subsistence farm or was engaged in a specific trade such as cobbler or blacksmith from their home. Gender roles were more loosely defined, meaning moms and dads shared some of the financial, domestic and childcare duties.[1]
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When the industrial age began changing the way goods were produced, and how farms operated, it also pushed moms and dads into definitive gender roles. Dads began leaving home for work in warehouses, factories, and shipyards or ran cash crop farms. Many of the domestic activities such as making clothes or candles became items purchased instead of made at home. This meant mothers were able to focus more time on their children and managing the household while fathers increasingly were able to earn enough money to support the family. Mothers also began to be seen as more capable of shaping the character of their children than fathers since they stayed home and away from the “corrupting influence of business and politics.”[2]
Progressive era reforms of the early 20th century and the idea of the “family wage” championed by Henry Ford made it possible for most men in every class to be able to earn enough money to fully support the family on their income alone. Masculinity became tied directly to work. Childcare and domestic duties became exclusively feminine.[3]
Family dynamics began to change with the women’s movement in the latter half of the 20th century. Women wanted more opportunities. They went to college, obtained jobs, and demanded equality in the workplace. Women wanted to be defined by more than just motherhood, and they began achieving it.
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Today, women make up half of the workforce. They earn the majority of college degrees, which provide them with better opportunities for good-paying, stable jobs.[4] Wives often contribute significantly to the household income of married families with nearly 35% of them earning more than their husbands.[5]
Until women were able to make a significant economic contribution to the family, dads had to work. Now dads have opportunities and choices they never had before, making modern fatherhood possible. “The movement of married women into the labor force,” explains the Census in its latest report on childcare arrangements, “has changed the organization of daily life and has allowed fathers to be more available for child care while their wives are working.”[6]
Gradually, but quietly, more and more dads are sharing household and childcare duties with moms. The amount of time dads spent caring for their children has tripled in the last 30 years and is nearing the average time of moms.[7] According to a survey conducted by Yahoo in 2011, fifty-one percent of men are the primary grocery shopper in the family.[8] Thirty-two percent, according to the Census, are the primary caregiver.[9]
While the opportunity for financial stability without entirely depending on dad opened the door for change, it is not the sole reason for it. Dads have, in most cases, embraced this freedom and are doing what they really want to do: be more involved with their kids.
Many people still believe a man’s primary role is that of the breadwinner in the same way they used to believe a woman’s primary role was that of the primary caregiver. Over the last 50 years, women have shown they are capable of being much more than primary caregivers. Men are now showing they are capable of being much more than a breadwinner.
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Recent research shows dads are biologically capable of nurturing, have a desire to share childcare duties with their wives, and that active involvement in parenting by fathers improves the lives of their children. A study by Dr. Svend Madsen of Copenhagen University found babies are equally capable of attaching to men as women and “fathers can be just as loving, caring and effective parents as mothers.”[10] Lee Gettler of Northwestern University and his colleagues found that men are affected biologically when they become dads because testosterone levels decrease when men become fathers.[11] A study of working dads by the Boston College Center for Work & Family found that dads “were deeply committed to caregiving and sharing the work evenly with their spouses.”[12] Child Psychologist Dr. Kyle Pruett of Yale has found through his extensive research on dads that an involved father decreases poverty, drug abuse, and teen pregnancy in their children.[13]
Many dads, however, are still afraid to be the fathers they want to be.
Movies, TV shows and news articles often depict dads as inept and incompetent when it comes to basic childcare. These images convince many dads they would fail, so they refrain from active participation as parents. From our personal experiences as stay-at-home dads and the thousands of dads we have met, we have seen how well dads can succeed as caregivers.
Hogan began leading workshops for fathers at local hospitals in 1994. He heard powerful stories of doubt, excitement, and joy; the truths about modern fatherhood dads were afraid to tell anyone outside of that room. They feared no one would really listen to them or they would be considered less of a man for expressing their true feelings. Through other workshops, community events and fatherhood networks Hogan has participated in, and the numerous Annual At-Home Dads Conventions both of us have attended, we have heard more and more amazing and inspiring moments of dads behaving DADLY.
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The truths, tears, and triumphs dads have shared with us about their real-life experiences are far different from what most people have seen in the media. The dads we have met expressed emotions and achievements few would believe a dad would reveal. It is what has kept us so passionate about advocating for involved fatherhood and why we were compelled to assemble their messages into this narrative about modern fatherhood.
In the following pages, real, honest, sincere, devoted, and caring dads share the successes and challenges of modern fatherhood. Their stories represent not only all that is good about fatherhood but candidly convey how real dads feel about being a dad.
We encouraged dads not to hold back, pour their hearts out, and write personal narratives about life as a good father. The response was overwhelming and far exceeded our expectations. The 67 truths, tears, and triumphs you will read will not only surprise and inspire you but will completely change what you thought you knew about dads.
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Al Watts is a stay-at-home dad to 4 children ages 12 to 6. He has served as the President of the National At-Home Dad Network http://athomedad.org/ when he is not running kids to soccer, hockey, theater or the emergency room. In his rare spare time, Al enjoys a well-crafted beer, watching the Kansas City Chiefs and portraying a Union infantry soldier in Civil War Re-enactments. Before staying home, he was a classified advertising sales rep for the Omaha World-Herald. Al is the co-author of Dads Behaving DADLY: 67 Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood and Dads Behaving DADLY 2: 72 Truths, Tears and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood.
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[1] Mintz, Steven. Mothers and Fathers in America: Looking Backward, Looking Forward http://www.digitalhistory.uh.edu/historyonline/mothersfathers.cfm
[2] Mintz, Steven & Kellogg, Susan (1988). Domestic revolutions: a social history of American family life, xviii, xix
[3] Mintz, Steven. Mothers and Fathers in America: Looking Backward, Looking Forward http://www.digitalhistory.uh.edu/historyonline/mothersfathers.cfm
[4] Fry, Richard, Cohn, D’Vera, Pew Research Center (2010). New economics of marriage: the rise of wives, http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1466/economics-marriage-rise-of-wives
[5] Bureau of Labor Statistics, “Table 25: Wives Who Earn More Than Their Husbands, 1987-2008,” Women in the Labor Force: A Databook: 2010 (2010).
[6] Laughlin, Lynda, U.S. Census (2010) Who’s minding the kids? Child care arrangements spring 2005/summer 2006 15
[7] Konigsberg, Ruth Davis (August 8, 2011). Chore Wars, Time Magazine http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2084582,00.html
[8] Neff, Jack (2011). Time to rethink your message: now the cart belongs to daddy, Advertising Age, http://adage.com/article/news/men-main-grocery-shoppers-complain-ads/148252/
[9] U.S. Census Press Release (2011). One-third of fathers with working wives regularly care for their children. http://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/children/cb11-198.html
[10] Madsen, Sven Aage (2007). Men too are competent caregivers, European Fatherhood, http://european-fatherhood.com/knowledge.php?mode=view&id=49
[11] Gettler, Lee T., McDade, Thomas W., Feranil, Alan B., & Kuzawa, Christopher W. (2011). Longitudinal evidence that fatherhood decreases testosterone in human males, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, doi: 10.1073/pnas.1105403108
[12] Harrington, Brad, Van Deusen, Fred, Ladge, Jamie (2010). The new dad: exploring fatherhood in a career context 28 http://www.bc.edu/content/dam/files/centers/cwf/pdf/BCCWF_Fatherhood_Study_The_New_Dad1.pdf
[13] Pruett, Kyle D. (2000). Fatherneed: why father care is as essential as mother care for your child
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Originally published in Dads Behaving DADLY 2: 72 More Truths, Tears and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2015 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission.
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