Namaste, Busy Parent and welcome to your daily relaxation class on your toilet.
This pandemic has been long and it’s ok to recognize that you need to de-stress from time to time by locking yourself in your bathroom to rage pee. There you go, let it all out. But don’t go anywhere just yet. Keep that door locked and ignore the banging on the other side from the Mussolini Toddler.
Let’s take stock of ourselves and let the bad thoughts out and let the good thoughts in. Let us begin with our breathing techniques.
Breath in deeply. Wait, don’t do that. That’s a bad idea in the bathroom.
Hold your breath, just like the child that didn’t get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the third time today. Let the blood rush to your face and pay attention to the heartbeat in your ears. Now, pass out and come to.
Good. The stress is already leaving you. Let’s do that a couple of more times. Hold your breath. Listen with purpose. Pass out on the toilet.
Great. Really well done.
Our next exercise to de-stress is called the John McClain. With your hands on your knees, sit up straight with your back against the cold tank of the toilet. Now curl your toes. Curl, uncurl. Curl, uncurl. Make fists with your feet. Focus on the feeling and contraction, and then letting go. Contract and let go. Contract and let go that you’ve been homeschooling your kids for 10 months now. Contract and let go. Unleash that rage and plan your next email to a principal that keeps telling you that it’s not that bad as he sits in his remote learning annex in Tahoe.
Doesn’t that feel better? Ok, now we need to practice our mindfulness. Turn inward and be mindful that there is no real sign-up list for the vaccine.
Be mindful that there are only half-assed promises that the vaccine is probably somewhere. And even though you have signed up on lists ranging from the county to the veterinarian’s office, the vaccine won’t be coming to you anytime soon. Be mindful that your toddler has a better plan in place when tries to give the cat a bath.
Let’s practice our mantra: If you’re rich, you can jump the line. If you’re rich, you can jump the line.
Things are going well, and you can feel your stress just bleeding away just like your savings account. Let’s keep going and see if we can find that inner peace.
This next exercise I call Doom scrolling with Purpose. Take out your phone and place the brightness on low. This will help your children outside the bathroom door forget about you for a minute.
Go to the social media venue of your choice and start realizing how many stupid people are still in the world. Look, your Aunt Sally says that wearing a mask is communism. Another one says that they won’t take the vaccine because it contains too much H2O. As you Doom scroll, realize that even with your failures, you’re still not that dumb. Your purpose is not to be dumber than the raw sewage that infects much of social media.
All of your stress is almost gone now. You can feel it leave your body. Let’s do one more exercise so that you can rejuvenate yourself and continue to pandemic parent for another six months.
Grab the nearest bottle of shampoo and turn it to the back. Or if not shampoo, try the hand sanitizer or children’s toothpaste. Wipe off the gunk from the top and let’s read the sacred texts together. Oh, natural fragrance of mint oil and lemon, please combine with basil oil and PEG-40 to provide me with the strength to continue on. And if the Methylisothiazolinone wills it, may we find a better future with the help of State Source Ingredient 52. In your name we pray, keep out the reach of children. Wash, lather, repeat as needed.
Amen.
You may now open the door to the bathroom and continue to parent, but only if your legs haven’t fallen asleep yet. If they have, slowly tilt yourself off the toilet into downward facing dog. Remain until you can stand tall.
Go in peace.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock