Do you ever date outside your age range? I’m talking about ten, fifteen years older. When I was 57-years-old, I wasn’t too excited about dating someone 13 years older. Before you judge me, let me explain. I’m really not an ageist. I have friends of all ages, sizes, colors, and religions. I care much more about a person’s character than anything else. But in my experience with dating after my divorce, most of the men who were over 63 were either retired or just plain TIRED.
Having worked their entire adult lives, they were ramping down, looking forward to retirement and taking it easy. I get it, but my life was just getting started. I began a new exciting career as a certified life and dating coach at 50. I had so much more that I wanted to accomplish.
I was afraid a 70-year-old man might not be able to keep up with my energy. But I wanted to keep an open mind.
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My divorce and empty nest allowed me to travel much more freely, take more classes both online and in real life, go to more street fairs and museums, and so much more. I was afraid a 70-year-old man might not be able to keep up with my energy. But I wanted to keep an open mind.
So, when ‘Harvey’ (name and details have been changed) emailed me on JDate, I checked out his profile. He had an active lifestyle. He had a close relationship with his son and grandkids. He was in good physical shape. He didn’t seem to be retiring anytime soon. And I liked his photos, too. He was a nice looking man with a full head of white hair, and he seemed to have style and class. I was intrigued enough to write him back.
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OUR FIRST DATE
A few days later, we met for dessert at a local diner, and he immediately launched into a conversation—about himself. He repeated a few stories about his grandchildren that he had already shared over the phone. Note to self: no matter how adorable and smart my granddaughter is, don’t share anecdotes on a first date. This is NOT engaging first date conversation. Why would your date want to know intimate details about your kids or grandkids? Who cares if he or she is a math genius, a future model? If we end up in a relationship, I’d love to meet the little munchkins. But I was on this date to get to know Harvey not his progeny.
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He talked and talked and talked…
He talked nonstop about his incredible talent at work (he gets asked to speak at universities about how brilliant he is at marketing!), his spectacular grandkids (the two-year-old has perfect pitch!), and his amazing superstar son (he was on TV twice this week!!).
Finally, he took a breather and said, “I’ve been talking so much about myself. Tell me about your work.”
Ah, it’s my turn. But wait; about my work? If I told him I was a dating coach, we’d probably end up speaking about bad dates, what’s wrong with singles today, and how crazy it can be to date after divorce. I didn’t want to go there. So I told him I’m a life coach, which is the truth. “Me, too!” he replied. What? He’s a life coach? Come on, he already told me he’s in marketing. He sells light bulbs, for God’s sake!
Me:“Really? You’re a life coach?”
Him:“Oh, yes, I’ve taken many social psychology and behavioral science classes. I am sensitive, a good listener, and know all about life coaching. ”
Wow, calling yourself a life coach without any training gives life coaches a bad name. And a good listener? I hadn’t experienced that yet. Oh, and now the conversation was all about him again. I also noticed that he kept telling me what to do.
I also noticed that he also kept telling me what to do.
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Like when I told him I was thinking of buying a bike, and he said, “You need to go to Mike’s Bike Shop in Manhattan. They will get you all set up!” That was sweet of him, but Manhattan is over an hour from my house. And I didn’t ask for his help. It felt a little more pushy than helpful.
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Chocolate cake and chamomile tea for me
When the waitress came to take our order, he said, “You must order the chocolate cake. It’s out of this world! And get the chamomile tea—it’s perfect for you.” I appreciated the suggestion, but again, it felt pushy. I ordered the carrot cake and peppermint tea.
As if things weren’t awkward enough, we soon discovered that he knew my ex-husband. Who would have thought that a total stranger who lives an hour away once met my ex? Small world. Good reminder to watch what you say and do on every date.
Well, this supposedly energetic 70-year-old could barely move his neck, because he had recently had a few bones fused up in there. He said he was tired and needed to head home, because he wakes up at 4:30 every morning to speak to his client in Italy. Emphasis on how exotic it is to deal with clients in Italy.
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Vespas and villas and celebrity name-dropping
In an attempt to deepen the conversation, I asked him what he loved most about his work. I enjoy hearing about a man’s passions. “A few years ago, I loved selling Vespas because of the people I met. And I once sat in Christie Brinkley’s living room. I also met Gianni Versace at his villa in Florence.” He was a big name dropper, and I could care less.
“Oh, and did I tell you about the gift I’m giving my son for his birthday? My ex-wife and I are chipping in to buy him a custom shirt. I mean, he’s worth $300, my superstar son who was just on Bloomberg and CNN.”
I was so turned off by all of his bragging and name dropping. I had been married to a celebrity, and we met many famous people. I don’t talk much about that part of my life, because…who cares? I want someone to fall in love with me for who I am, not who I know.
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Date outside your age range? That wasn’t the problem
When we got up to leave, he noticed my black motorcycle-style boots with the silver chains. He said, “Wow! Those are such cool boots! It was almost worth going on a date with you just to be seen with you in those boots.” Uh…thank you?
You won’t be surprised to learn that I never saw Harvey again, and it obviously had nothing to do with his age. I’m glad I gave Harvey a chance, though. I learned that age had nothing to do with it. That’s why I would recommend that you date outside your age range. Cast a wide net on things that don’t matter much, like age and height. But don’t ever compromise on the things that matter most. Character, integrity, kindness, shared values, and a deep connection.
Here’s a truth bomb from Maya Angelou that can be applied to dating someone at any age or stage of life:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Do you date outside your age range? Please share your experience below.
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Photo: Flickr/J.B. Hill
Maybe he was talking about himself to make up for the age difference. He wanted his date to know that he’s still “someone” – While I think 70 and 50 is a huge difference, I think 50 and 30 is OK. If I were 50, I would never even consider going out with a 70 year old. Or even 60. At 50, you’re better off looking LEFT, 50+
Sandy You tell us “I would recommend that you date outside your age range.” I agree . But why on earth did your put an article like this one online ? It belongs in your person diary. Here is nothing for us to learn ,it makes not make us any wiser. You simply tell us that you met a man you did like,that is all. And honestly Sandy I think you are unfair to any grandfather that talks about his grandchildren at the date. He simply tells you what matters the most in his life. His grandchildren are among those… Read more »
@Iben, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’d like to point out the intent of my article. I went into the date with an open mind. This man talked about himself nonstop, name-dropped, and repeated LONG stories about his grandkids that he had already shared on the phone. I understand what it is to love your grandkids. I have a beautiful, bright, funny granddaughter. However, if you don’t know me, I can pretty much guarantee that you wouldn’t want me to go on and on with anecdotes about her amazingness. That’s why I don’t share much on a first date. You… Read more »
Sandy, you’re not paying attention to the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism you are receiving. Eben is women from some other part of the world. I am a man from New York. We both perceived – correctly – that you were trashing this guy publicly.
Not a good look for a “life coach”. You could have written a wonderful article without going into all the details of what was wrong with him. Once again, we don’t need such bashing in the public record if we’re going to heal the wounds of the gender wars.
Think about it.
On the issue of age range for dating, is it wrong that I dont want to date someone that physically reminds me of my father? I am a 41 year old woman, and I generally specify 30 to 50 years old as my target age range, but ideally I want to date people my own age. Yet I get a shocking number of replies from guys clearly 60 and up, and sometimes they hound me and get hostile when I dont reply or gently say I am not interested. One even called me an ageist bigot. Am I? For one,… Read more »
@immature,
You’re not a terrible person for wanting to date men who don’t remind you of your father. But if you eventually want a long term relationship, pay less attention to age than connection, shared values, shared worldview. If that guy shows up as ten years older or younger, be open to exploring the possibilities. If he calls you an ageist bigot or badgers you for not answering an online dating email, he’s obviously not your guy.
Sandy, your intent apparently was to say this:
“…I would recommend that you date outside your age range. Cast a wide net on things that don’t matter much, like age and height. But don’t ever compromise on the things that matter most. Character, integrity, kindness, shared values, and a deep connection.”
But the entire article was an exercise in man-bashing – something I see all too often here.
My challenge to you for 2017 is to get the negative out of your communication, when talking about men. We’re tired of it.
To the commenters below, I think she wrote the post for the reason in the headline: dating outside your preferred age group. I would have thought that one of the purposes of this site is for men and women to relate and learn about each other in a challenging time. Rather than trash the lady, maybe you could learn something? Do you like it when people tell you what to do? when they talk incessantly about themselves, people you don’t know, name drop, all on a first date? Give you no space to share yourself? I doubt it. It’s so… Read more »
Thank you, Rosie—for your support, and for getting the point I was trying to make in this article. Sometimes we get caught up in narrowing our choices in dating because of age, height, location. In truth, it’s character and connection that matter most. First dates like this one are great reminders that we need to focus on the right things in a partner.
Happy holidays!
After reading this, it is not shocking the woman needs to look for men outside her age range, because she sounds like a classic narcissist. Poor old men trying to show their worth and Miss Narcissist is always wondering how everything relates back to her. Classic egoism.
I, too, was nonplussed why she felt compelled to write this story. Now I am wondering what he might have to say about his interview with her.