You are ready to move on.
This is the thought that pervades your mind for some time as you contemplate the thought of being in another relationship after a divorce. You finally have reached the point that you are moving on and ready to date again. Great!
Dating after a divorce is not always easy as you do a comparison of the good qualities you like from your ex- spouse. Yes, I know what I said, because believe it or not, though, your ex-spouse, they did have some good qualities that you want in your next relationship.
You begin dating and realize it is not going the way you expected. As you pull back you recognize there are things that you didn’t consider in-depth.
Sound familiar? This was me after a brief period of dating. There are some things which you should — no NEED to know when re-entering the dating world after divorce.
. . .
Do you know who you are?
No really, do you know who you have become after the divorce? In talking with persons who are divorced, they often marvel about the changes they have experienced in their lives, both good and bad. However, the common theme that translates across all discussions, is that they are no longer the person they were before the divorce.
I can articulate that from my own divorce, after taking the time to see who I had become I recognized I was no longer the person I was before — I marveled at my exponential growth and spent time understanding the new me — “The Power of Knowing You”. While I am inherently the same person, I exude more confidence, belief in self and know what I want from my life. Therefore, first and foremost introduce yourself — to the new you, know who you are now. Knowing who you are, makes you more aware of what you want to achieve from dating.
You can find yourself dating and not sure what you want from dating — is it a casual, long term relationship or marriage you desire? Quite often when you go on a date with someone knowing this will help you determine whether both parties should continue to date. If you continue to drift aimlessly about without clarity on this, you are likely to find time passing and eventually realize you are on different relationship paths. Women, if a man tells you he doesn’t want to get married and you know you do, don’t wait around hoping the man will change his mind — hardly likely. You see how important it is — determine what you want from dating before you begin to do so.
“Bring the past only if you are going to build from it.” — Doménico Cieri Estrada
We all have stories of the negative aspects of our former marriage. If you are ready to date again, you must let go of this. Yes you will remember, but it will be ill-fated to carry this into dating. I remember going on a date some time ago and as the man showed some similar actions to my ex-spouse I kept drawing reference to it and needless to say that was not a good date night!
Recognizing and learning from your past is important, and persons you date, may have some similar characteristics to your ex-spouse. Prejudging them and saying they are exactly like your former spouse will not work well for your dating desires!! Manage your past to not impact the current. That way you will know exactly what type of person you want to date, and will be able to discern between red flags and positive characteristics that appeal to you.
You know we all have a list.
This list is what you use to subconsciously check the boxes, on the qualities you want in the next partner.
No one is perfect and looking for a partner who is perfect in every aspect dooms you to I daresay a long time alone!!! However there are certain must have qualities that will or will not be a deal breaker in continuing dating. Quite often we begin dating, without taking the time to examine the reason these particular qualities are so important for us. Then as we go along we eventually realize that this is not a potential partner. If your interest in dating is to find someone to marry you must identify key qualities and also have similar values.
This brings me to the next point, do you know what you value?
Many view relationship compatibility on education, finances, spirituality and other aspects. However, an important consideration missing is values. Unless you know your own values, you wouldn’t be able to identify the values that matter the most to you in a potential partner. Better you know it now, than eventually realizing very important values are lacking in the person. Understanding your values, will help identify and seek a partner with similar values.
Opposing attitudes towards money can break relationships apart. Many marriages have ended because of poor financial approaches so in dating you don’t want one who is a spendthrift..on the other hand, you also don’t want someone who is so frugal that they will not even buy a pair of shoes, and content to hoard all earnings. I am sure you see how either end of the spectrum could result in serious issues. As you spend time with the potential partner, you will be able to identify how they view finances and based on this make an informed decision on whether or not to continue dating.
Finally, it is always good to feel you are ready to date after a divorce. However, it could be that even though you feel you are ready, when you begin dating you realize you are not willing at this point to invest the time, effort or aspects of your independence for the development of a relationship. After a few dates, if you realize you are not truly ready …..tell them, rather than just going along.
. . .
You feel you are ready to date after divorce? Great!!
Know who you are now, what you want to achieve from dating, manage your past relationship experience, know the type of partner you want, assess values, finances and understand if you are truly ready to invest time for dating.
After knowing the answers to all this, go out and happy dating!!!
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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