Dating an Avoidant: A Guide to Playing the Long Game

Avoidants are some of the trickiest people to connect with when it comes to emotions. They live inside a fortress, a shell they’ve built to keep others outside, all in the name of protecting what they call their peace. Change? They despise it. Sure, the world spins on, chaotic and ever-shifting, and they seem fine with that. But the changes that terrify them most? The ones tied to feelings.

I know is easier to not get involve with them, to save us the trouble, to be honest I wouldn’t advise anyone to get involve with one of them cause I been there and it is a rollercoaster, but to be fair, I’m an empath, which might explain why the whole situation felt like slamming into a brick wall.

I found myself constantly trying to understand where their attitude was coming from, digging for reasons, searching for emotions they didn’t wanted to shared and in the process, I lost sight of my own boundaries.

With that being said, I also know that when we are into someone, we don’t care as much about these things; logic flies out the window. No matter how high their walls, you convince yourself you can tear them down. For some, it works, they find harmony with their avoidant partner and live contentedly. So, what’s the harm in trying, as long as you know the battlefield you’re stepping onto? Here’s how to get close to an avoidant without getting shoved back out the door.

Patience is a virtue; with avoidants, it’s a superpower.

At first glance, this might seem simple, but it’s actually more complex than it appears. When dealing with them, patience it’s essential. They need extra time, often twice as much as most people, to process and understand anything related to their emotions. If they love you, you might not hear it until five months after they’ve figured it out. For those of us wired to feel and act fast, that’s maddening.

Avoid overstepping their boundaries and rushing them into decisions they’re not ready for. They need time to evaluate every possible outcome and explore every emotion that might arise. This thoughtful approach means you’ll often find yourself needing to be patient with their feelings, allowing them the space to process and reflect before acting.

I once dated an avoidant who took three months to ask me out, despite texting me every single day. During that time, I often wondered if he was genuinely interested in me, or if I was just a friendly acquaintance to him. Maybe he wasn’t sure until we took that leap and went on our first date. But after that, we started seeing each other frequently, and it became clear that patience had been the key.

You can see where the challenge lies. In a typical scenario, someone might ask you out on a date within two to three weeks of meeting, or at most, a month. But when that timeline stretches out, it can trigger self doubt, you start to wonder if they’re truly interested in you, its normal to feel the urge to confront them, seeking clarity and reassurance. However, this approach can backfire, making them feel unsafe and potentially pushing them further away.

If you are currently on the mist of dating an avoidant, know you are playing the long game, unlike previous relationships where things might have moved quickly, this journey will likely unfold at a slower pace. It’s crucial to recognize that their timeline is different.

In my own experience, I chose to wait because this particular guy made an effort to talk to me every day and showed a genuine interest in getting to know me.

Let them come to You

When dealing with avoidants, it’s wise to adopt a gentle approach. I often think of them like cats: push too hard, and they’ll retreat even further. Instead, let them come to you. Allow them to be the ones who invite you into their life and share their feelings on their own terms.

One of the biggest mistake you can make with an avoidant is constantly asking them to express their feelings. Surprisingly, their unwillingness to show emotions often isn’t because they don’t feel them, but because they’re hesitant to disrupt their own sense of peace. For them, opening up can feel like a risk, as if it might shatter the calm they’ve carefully cultivated.

Give them time to get comfy with you, to seek you out, to tiptoe into that sacred space they’ve built. Push your way in, and they’ll either clam up or ghost you entirely. The people they let in? They’ve usually been around for years and even then, it’s a slow drip of vulnerability.

Don’t drown them in your emotions

This was my biggest challenge. As someone who craves open communication, I often find myself expressing my feelings freely. However, when I’m in a relationship, my emotions inevitably surface, no matter how hard I try to hide them.

Imagine the dynamic: a person like me, who confronts emotions head on, paired with someone who avoids them at all costs. It’s a recipe for chaos. I remember how frustrated was for the person I was dating when I’d unleash a torrent of emotions, asking him to engage in conversations he wasn’t prepared for. He’d be caught off guard, unsure of how to respond.

Interestingly, he was comfortable discussing my feelings as long as they didn’t involve him directly. He’d listen attentively and offer wise advice, but the moment the conversation turned to his own emotions or involvement, he’d shut down instantly.

So, if you’re in a similar situation, here’s my advice: be mindful of how you express your feelings. If you need to talk, try to do it in person, using gentle words and keeping the conversation concise.

Evaluate whether the issue is worth discussing, as avoidants can become overwhelmed by frequent emotional conversations. It’s not about suppressing your feelings entirely, but about being realistic about which ones are truly important and which are just fleeting concerns.

Remember, while all feelings deserve to be heard, you’re dealing with someone whose nature is to avoid confrontation. This doesn’t mean you should silence your emotions like they do, but rather, prioritize which ones are worth discussing and which can be let go.

Build a safe haven

It’s not enough to simply say, “If you need anything, I’m here.” For avoidants, those words can feel like a burden, not because they doubt your sincerity, but because they fear being a weight on others. They might not take you up on your offer, not due to mistrust, but because they don’t want to impose.

So, how do you build trust with someone who values their independence? it’s by giving them space. The more room you provide, the safer they feel, as you’re not exerting pressure or disrupting their routine. This is a process that unfolds over time.

When they’re having a rough day, skip the grand gestures. Cook their favorite meal, send a low-key text, or simply accompany them on a mundane task like grocery shopping. Just be there, steady and calm. Over time, they’ll start drifting toward you, recharging in your orbit.

But remember, this takes time and patience. The key is to make them feel accepted, even if that means sitting together in silence. By doing so, you create an environment where they feel no pressure to reveal more than they’re ready to share.

Navigating confrontations with care

When dealing with an avoidant, it’s crucial to approach confrontations with sensitivity. If you’re upset about something they’ve done, resist the urge to send a lengthy, emotional message. They might read it, but their response won’t be what you expect.

Start with a question, keep it simple, and don’t overwhelm them with a one-sided rant. And please, ditch the blame game “You never do this” or “I wish you’d just…” only proves their fear that they’re incapable of love.

This can reinforce their existing fears about not being able to love or provide adequately. Instead of constantly telling them what they should do, show them how to do it. Guide them gently, without yelling or criticizing.

If you’re upset, there are better ways to address the issue than yelling and demanding an immediate response. Avoidants aren’t comfortable with confrontations and will likely shut down. This doesn’t mean they get a free pass; if something needs to be addressed, it should be. However, before confronting them, take a moment to calm down and find a clear, respectful way to express your feelings.

This approach isn’t just beneficial for relationships with avoidants; it’s a valuable practice for any partnership.

The art of not taking it personally

Their distance isn’t always about you. Sometimes, they simply need time to recharge and refocus. This doesn’t mean they’re disappearing; they just require some space to recalibrate. Thats why creating a safe space is crucial here. It allows them to communicate their needs without fear of upsetting you.

They might need solitude one day, but the next, they could be eager to be near you. This isn’t about inconsistency; it’s about their comfort level on any given day. They might feel more confident in your presence some days, and that’s okay.

I recall the confusion I felt, the hot and cold dynamic was perplexing. There were moments when I felt a deep connection, and it seemed like they were finally opening up. But then, just as quickly, they would retreat, leaving me wondering if they regretted letting their guard down. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, but understanding their need for space help me understand it wasn’t about me, it was about him.

The takeaway: learn how to play the long game.

Being with an avoidant requires a profound understanding of the long game. It’s a journey that will test your patience and confidence, as you often find yourself questioning whether progress is being made or if things are sliding backward.

This uncertainty can be challenging, for me, it was too much, my need to connect clashed with his need to retreat, and I couldn’t bridge that gap. But I’ll give credit where it’s due: that rollercoaster taught me to respect different emotional languages, to honor space, to find middle ground in every relationship since.

So, should you try? Only if you’re ready to play the long game and if you can love them without losing yourself in the process. Because those walls? They don’t come down easy. But for the right person, with the right patience, they just might.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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