Dating an Avoidant Created the Anxious Attachment I Didn’t Have

I Always have a secure attachment in my relationship romantically or in friendships and that’s because I’m a little distant myself, once I make a relationship with someone, it is because there is a great connection for me that if we don’t texting one day wouldn’t ruin it.

With my friends for me, it’s okay if they aren’t there all the time, as long as they are when needed, I have great friendships where only see each other twice a year, or text each other one day monthly without ruining the connection and that doesn’t make me think they value me less or the friendship die.

Romantic relationships of course are a little bit different, we need that person to be present but I was secure on that part too, if the person I was dating hadn’t texting me constantly all day I didn’t assume is because they didn’t want it, I just assume they were busy and most of the time that was the reason and later on they will tell me that. Also didn’t need to see them all the time, I was okay to only see them on the weekends, one time or two times a week that gave them enough space and that gave me enough space that was until I met him.

When we started dating I knew he was an avoidant and believed wouldn’t be an issue because I was secure and more than that I like my space. In the beginning, it was easy to give him space, to not talk all day or not see each other quite often, I was good at it, but the issue came when it became more serious, although we talked about having a relationship it was starting to feel like a situationship.

I came to realize I was missing him a lot, craved to talk and be with him more than we used to, and started to feel he didn’t feel that way which let me create an anxious attachment with him, and as we know it is hard for an anxious and avoidant to co-exists.

The fact that he was an avoidant made me anxious because he needed more space that I could give, and to be honest it was quite a lot based on the fact that I already like to have space and he needed more than that for me was like he didn’t want me near and maybe he didn’t.

There I was trying to do everything to not scare him off because I really like this one, fighting every urge to text him more than should, to doing things that would make him uncomfortable by being too much, to minimize any fight so he doesn’t feel I was taking away his peace and to giving him more space that wanted to give.

After a couple of months, this ended up being a draining situation, he understood all those times when I tried to communicate about how his avoidance made me feel since we were on a path to have a ‘’relationship’’ this was something to be addressed, most of the time it was a monologue it was me saying what I need it and he just saying its okay even though I always encourage him to communicate his feelings with me, at some point I think he tried to do better but he didn’t know how and didn’t want help.

Men settle where there is peace, women bring peace where they’re treated well.

I couldn’t give him the peace he wanted, because he didn’t show up for me on those anxious moments when I needed reassurance and it made me start a war of questioning, asking for things that should be given without asking, wondering if he wanted to be with me, thinking I was just a pit stop in his life and he couldn’t assure me that I wasn’t, Starting fights for small things that didn’t care before, all of these just because he didn’t make me feel secure with little things like making me compliments, wanted to see me every weekend, calling me if we didn’t have enough time to text, express his emotions when we where having an inconvenience.

With time I realized maybe it wasn’t only that he was an avoidant, it was because he didn’t want us enough to make the effort to co-exist with our attachments. In a perfect world, he would make me feel secure so I don’t become anxious and would have let him enough space for himself not to feel the need of being an avoidant.

In the real world he did go away without a goodbye or explanation, just disappear one day like an avoidant will.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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