Yes, before we start, please do me a favor.
Remove your tongue from the roof of your mouth, let your shoulders drop from sitting as high as your ears and some of you need to un-clinch your fist.
I completely understand that dating an avoidant can be frustrating.
You feel like you are struggling to form a deep bond and connection. It seems like any time you have to make it through a conflict, they distance themselves. You think there is no hope for them to change.
What if we looked at it from a different perspective?
When I talk to people who date avoidants, I hear things like, “They’re the worst,” “Run away and never look back,” and “I’ll jump off of a bridge before I get into a relationship with an avoidant again.”
Breaking news. My articles are not for you.
I write for people who are working on personal development or working to change the dynamic with their partner.
Working with your partner takes understanding, time, communication, and forgiveness. Yes, ironically, some of the things avoidants are the worst at.
Well, you can not make a transition with a partner who constantly shames you and puts you down either.
Dating an avoidant can be great if…
You can show them the strength that lies within their unmatched level of self-awareness, effort, and intentionality in the relationship.
Kick in the door
The problem in most approaches working with an avoidant is forcing the action on their personal development.
Yes, I know that we want to be able to challenge our partner, communicate areas of growth or concern, and create a pathway to a healthy dynamic.
More often than not, you have built up frustration and hit a breaking point. You’re approaching your partner at the peak of your aggravation, the last place to create a pleasant path forward.
Let’s play it the other way and give you the benefit of being calm, cool, and collected in your approach to your partner.
Dismissive avoidants can lock in when they notice that they need to put in effort to create a change in their environment.
Stay with me.
Dismissive avoidants overvalue peace and harmony in their relationships.
What is a way to remove peace and harmony from the relationship? Pushing them to do something that wasn’t their choice.
Do you want to know what works? Taking a step back and letting the lack of peace and harmony in the relationship get into the avoidant’s mind. They will put in the effort when they see it fading away.
Instead of approaching your partner and telling them that the disconnect in the relationship is all their fault, communicate that you see a lack of harmony in the relationship.
No, this isn’t some manipulative trick, but utilize the dismissive avoidant’s values to create the change.
Why doesn’t the attack approach work? Because they value the time alone when they shut down. The attack gives them an out.
Why will the lack of peace and harmony approach work? Because they need it to thrive.
The push
When dating an avoidant, it feels personal when you don’t get the reaction you want from them.
Again, you can not push an avoidant to make a choice that wasn’t theirs. You will push them away even further.
Not only is it the avoidant’s responsibility, but when they see their partner working on their personal growth, it will motivate them to make changes.
Again, stay with me.
Avoidants are motivated by their shortcomings. They value independence because they believe it is up to them to make the changes they want to see.
What happens if they recognize their partner is trying to self-improve independently? They will put in the work.
You should always be mindful that you and your partner are not the same person, progressing with the same desires.
We make the mistake of pushing the pace, and that will leave our partner unmotivated.
The heart
Believe it or not, your avoidant partner wants love and trust in their life.
It is hard for them to build it, believe, and stay connected and bonded when there is a stress test.
I have played devil’s advocate for most of this article, but this piece will take time.
There is this belief that avoidants are heartless creatures. Again, go back to the top of this article and re-read the words about working with someone who puts you down.
Avoidants are working from the depths, while their partner has a more positive view and experience of the results of being open, vulnerable, and exposing themselves to the highs and lows of love.
Your partner does not have that experience.
Recognizing progress your partner has made is the best way to show them the value of trust in a relationship and make it personal to you.
Yes, you have already made the sacrifice by exposing yourself to the possibilities of love, but be patient with your partner.
When you notice that your partner is making an effort to show progress and change it is a pivotal moment to show them recognition.
Be honest, When our avoidant partners make progress, more often than not the response is minimal, and feels like something along the lines of “finally (insert eye roll).”
No, you are not responsible for your partner’s progress, but they need some motivation along the way.
When you are the source of light at the end of the tunnel, your partner is going to run to you.
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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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