My personal philosophy is that everyone deserves control over our own bodies.
My other personal philosophy is that no one should subject another to their personal flaws, without that person’s consent.
When this goes well, both partners in a sexual or romantic relationship respect basic hygiene customs and communicate any additional needs, customs, or expectations to the other partner. When it goes poorly, one partner is subjected to unappealing or frankly disgusting realities.
Here is what that looks like.
1.The Toilet.
What Should Happen
Both partners should feel safe and comfortable using the bathroom whenever necessary. Neither person should feel uncomfortable making the necessary associated noises, be mocked, or feel shame around toilet use.
Also, both partners should take responsibility for their time in the restroom. Bathroom spray should be available at all times. Extra toilet paper should be available at all times. A male-bodied partner should put the toilet seat down after use. There should be no need to have any further discussion about this.
Red Flags
I’ve had several housemates who did not flush the toilet after urination. While I respect their environmental concerns, this is the kind of thing that really needs to be a discussion before inviting a guest over. That goes double if, as was true in my recent housing, the toilet is right next to the laundry machine. Lifting out clean laundry right next to someone’s old piss is exactly as unpleasant as it sounds.
My repulsion with their bathroom habits extended to their lifestyles in general. Bathroom habits are indicative of someone’s approach to cleanliness, hygiene, and physical health. Have these conversations early.
Additionally, a potential partner’s approach to equipping their bathroom tells you a lot about who they are. If they need to be told to leave the toilet seat down…if they fail to purchase sufficient toilet paper…if they seem comfortable leaving the bathroom dirty. This is someone who is not mature enough for you to seriously rely on.
2. The Bed.
What Should Happen
You have a right to expect clean sheets. The bedroom should not smell like sweat, dirt, or mothballs. Any trash should be in the trash bin, and should not include food waste. There should be no discernible crumbs. You don’t need to see a room that could double as a hotel bed, but you should walk into a space that would work as, say, an Airbnb bedroom stay.
If you are planning to have sex in this bed, you should feel safe and relaxed enough to also go to sleep here if you so choose. You should see pillows, ideally more than one, as well as a separate sheet and comforter. If you are planning to have sex and stay over, your partner should give you someplace to put your clothing other than the floor.
Red Flags
I’ve known men who did not wash their sheets for months on end. I’ve also known men who required their girlfriends to prompt them to do the laundry. Entering someone’s bedroom is a good moment to suss out whether you are dealing with somebody like that. You should absolutely not have to coax a grown adult to wash their bedding.
I will also admit that I’ve had sex in beds that frankly disgusted me. That was okay for casual sex, but I never returned to those partners. I don’t feel sexy when I’m surrounded by the smell of old sweat or dirty sheets. I very much do not appreciate seeing bits of dirt floating around next to my head while I’m having sex.
These are not conversations that are yours to have with someone. By the time someone hits 25, regardless of their gender, they need to be able to clean up after themselves consistently and thoroughly.
This is true for dirty women as well as for men. Do not tolerate that level of disrespect. People who disrespect their bodies in this way will soon demonstrate that disrespect towards you in other ways.
3. The Kitchen.
What Should Happen
Unless it’s a special occasion, whoever is hosting should be responsible for planning dinner. If both people want to cook together, that’s all right, but it really has to be both equal and mutual. The person who is hosting should buy the ingredients for the meal, demonstrating competency in identifying what ingredients are necessary for the recipe in question. The person who is hosting should have dishes, kitchen knives, silverware, and napkins ready and clean and ready to be used.
There should be no anxiety or concern about dinner. Your partner should not at any point ask you to step in to perform a specifically less pleasant part of cooking for them, like chopping onions or cleaning vegetables. If you are hungry when you first come over, your partner should be willing to fix you a snack without protest.
Your partner should inform you what they intend to cook ahead of time, or you should ask. If you are allergic or do not like what they are offering, you should feel confident saying so and requesting something else.
Red Flags
All dishes should be clean, and that includes cookware. Your partner absolutely should not argue with you about ‘what cleanliness means.’ Either a dish is clean, or it is not. People who have other ideas on this topic have not cleaned their dishes properly to cook for someone else.
The trash in the kitchen should not be overflowing. The kitchen should not smell like trash. There should absolutely not be food, like fruit, rotting in the kitchen. There should not be food rotting in the refrigerator, either.
You should not be able to see any dirty dishes when you arrive. If there are a few dirty dishes cluttering the stove or sink, just imagine how much worse it will be when this person is not trying to impress you.
Yes, people sometimes live with truly awful roommates who have different standards of cleanliness. However, if you continue dating this partner, you will inherit their housemates and you will inherit this mess.
Additionally, people are rarely in a situation where they truly cannot control who they live with. Someone who chooses to live with someone who does not respect common spaces is someone who lacks respect for themselves and their needs. This can be a sign of mental health problems.
Needless to say, you should not feel hesitant to ask for what you need regarding food. If your partner says something negative about your appetite or weight, run. This is a warning sign of abuse. If they refuse to respect your food needs, similarly, run away. Be grateful to see these obvious signs of disrespect before they get worse.
Remember, it is not your job to save anybody. By the time you are at the point of needing to have a conversation about “what cleanliness means”, you are already trying to parent someone who needs to carry themselves.
4.Safety
What Should Happen
Your partner should tell you if they live in a particularly dangerous environment, or if there has been recent violence in the area. Your partner should absolutely keep any street-facing/street-accessible windows closed at night. All doors should be closed and locked after 10 pm.
You should feel safe to communicate your specific safety needs to your partner. If you ever feel unsafe, you should be comfortable saying so, and they should respond immediately without shaming you.
If there is something specific about your partner’s housing situation, they should communicate this to you directly. If there was recent overt violence in this area, they should inform you so that you can make the decision what risks make sense for you. Your partner should of course be willing to walk you to your car or to the Bart station if you need to leave after the sun goes down.
Red Flags
Your partner’s actions should be logical and should be cohesive. If they insist on locking the door every time they enter the house, that should be true for all doors and for all housemates. If they lock the doors immediately but keep the windows wide open, that’s a red flag.
If they open the windows wide to the street before they leave for work in the morning, and leave them open all day long, that’s a red flag unless they live in a very unique situation outside of even a small city.
Certainly, you should not come across any obvious safety concerns. The stove should not be left on, people should not leave appliances plugged in or candles burning, the window should not be open at night to the street or to the fire escape. That does not require a conversation. Just leave.
5.House Culture
What Should Happen
Watch how your partner interacts with other housemates of every gender. Are they friendly? Do they touch these other people a lot? How do they describe these other housemates to you? How often do they talk about their housemates, and does one housemate pop up more often in conversation?
This is true regardless what gender their housemates are, and regardless what gender they claim to be attracted to. People have unexpected queer affairs with their housemates all the time. They often laugh off these encounters as ‘not really cheating.’ Don’t be taken in by this.
Also, make it clear what behavior you expect towards other people. Make sure that you feel safe asserting your boundaries, including what makes you feel comfortable about how this person interacts with others in front of you. Calling you their ‘partner’ means very little if they’re touching and “loving on” other people in front of you.
Unless you’ve decided to participate in an open or polyamorous relationship, you should expect your partner to protect the boundaries of the relationship. That includes being careful about who they touch and how they touch that person, whether they are intentional about including you in conversations with other members of their household, etc.
Also, consider that their housemates are the people they have actively chosen to spend the most time with. You should like their housemates, and you should feel liked in return. Blaming their behavior on ‘immature’ or ‘negative’ housemates is too easy. This is someone they are choosing to be around. You should feel positive about your partner’s choices about who they are willing to be influenced by.
Red Flags
Of course, you want your partner to have a good relationship with their housemate/s. However, if they feel comfortable giving their housemates a big wide hello-hug in front of you, just imagine how much touching is likely happening behind closed doors. Just as worrisome is if your partner acts awkward or blushes around a housemate who they studiously do not look at when you’re around.
Imagine you were a fly on the wall. Would it be obvious who their partner was, or do they seem to touch you no more or less often than they touch other people in the room? Similarly, do they seem to be doing the “romantic comedy” crush dance on one of their housemates, blushing but trying to pretend all is well? Neither situation is going in a good direction.
People with poor boundaries will be people who cheat. Maybe their housemate says no, but there will be another lover eventually. You will find yourself prompted to agree to an open relationship, whether you personally want one or not. That goes doubly if they laugh off your jealousy or pretend to be more ‘enlightened’ than you. Chances are, they are establishing early on that there’s a double standard for your behavior.
Also, pay attention to whether this person is able to differentiate from their housemates properly. Can they think for themselves? Do they seem to refer to those around them for emotional regulation, or do they rely on others to do their thinking for them? This is someone who lacks a clear identity of their own.
You should absolutely never worry about this person communicating personal aspects of your life or relationship to their friends, and particularly not to friends that they live with. If someone they live with brings up something in your life that you have not told them, assume your partner is not doing a good job of respecting your boundaries. Similarly, if your housemate allows for jokes to be made at your expense or seems eager to denigrate you in front of other people, run away.
The Bottom Line
Your partner spends most of their time in their homes. You should feel good about their home life, because if you intend to go on dating them, you are also committing to spend a lot of time there. The place should be comfortable and safe in every way.
Someone’s surroundings are often a reflection of that person’s mental state. Of course, for some people, there are mitigating circumstances; for example, people who are disabled like me often have to live in less than desirable circumstances for health reasons. Others are trapped by economics. So, of course, you should not judge someone because they need to live in a “bad” neighborhood, or with many housemates, or even in some cases if they need to move back home.
However, if you see someone make the same destructive choices over time, then their lifestyle has become a choice. Assume they will not change anytime soon. Ask yourself: can you live healthfully and happily with the person you see in front of you?
You are not going to be the person who changes how your partner lives their private life. They won’t adopt a new cleanliness routine just because you want them to. So look at the person in front of you. Look at how they live, the choices they make, and how that makes you feel.
Then make your choice about whether you could ever call their home your home. If not, have the courage to admit this relationship is done.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
