Dating Someone With an Anxious Attachment Style: How to Actually Make It Work

As someone with a deep anxious attachment issue, dating has been hard for me. I feel a lot of insecurity that came from my childhood trauma or past relationships.

Some days I don’t feel enough. And on the rough day when an argument is happening, I just want to run away and call it quits.

Having anxious attachment issues means you can be unstable emotionally sometimes. You can also sabotage your relationship if you let negative feelings take control.

So how does it work? How to actually date someone with an anxious attachment style and not lose your sanity over it:

Your reassurance matter — even if it’s about small things

When there’s a fight, it’s important for someone with an anxious attachment style to feel like their partner still loves them and not running away.

It might sound silly to reassure them often that you still want to be in their life and that one stupid fight won’t make you quit the relationship, but it does really matter to them.

The thing about the anxious type is that they often feel like they aren’t enough for you. And if you aren’t sensitive enough, you won’t see it coming.

As they don’t always express themselves properly, you need to see their pattern to know when they need your reassurance the most.

My partner took a long time to understand this. He’s an avoidant type who isn’t in touch with his emotions while I’m the other way around.

So it used to be hard for him to understand why I need such reassurance every time there was a big fight happened.

Having to give reassurance often is obviously tiring for some people. Especially when you aren’t secure emotionally and have to deal with your own issues at the same time.

This is why it’s very hard to deal with someone with an anxious attachment style when you happen to be anxious yourself or the avoidant type. It can cause a lot of drama in the beginning until both parties work hard to improve it.

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Give them room to express how they feel on a regular basis

You might notice anxious people tend to have a lot of feelings. It’s because they feel a lot more than the other types.

In fact, it’s so easy for them to take things personally and let their feelings control them.

But the good thing is, they’re in tune with their emotions. They don’t bottle things up like avoidant types of people. That’s why when you’re with one, it’s important to give them room to express those feelings.

Being a good listener can do wonders in your relationship. It makes your partner feel more appreciated and heard. Everyone loves that feeling.

And for someone with anxious attachment styles, this matters a lot more than you think. Most times they don’t even need you to give the best solutions, just being there and being a good listener is more than enough.

This of course seems like an easy task but you’ll be surprised at how many people out there can’t listen to others and end up neglecting their partner’s feelings.

Avoid giving instant judgments/labels to their emotions

Sometimes what people find hard and emotional doesn’t always mean the same to you. This applies a lot to the anxious type of person who tends to be more sensitive.

And the worst thing you can do is tell them they are too sensitive and they should keep it down. I’ve heard many stories like that where people cant’ stand their so-emotional girlfriend/boyfriend.

It’s also called gaslighting when you refuse to validate your partner’s feelings and instead, blame them for feeling “too much”.

We all have that area where no matter how hard we try, it’s coming back to us. Nobody wants to feel their emotions all the time but trying to not feel them in the hopes that their partner doesn’t see them as a “sensitive” person anymore won’t make the relationship better.

So rather than judging them whenever they try to tell you how they feel, try to accept them for who they truly are. If you don’t think you can deal with them anymore, then maybe it’s better to let them go.

The Bottom Line

As explained on Psychology Today by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, someone with an anxious attachment style tends to have this people-pleasing behavior. They do things only to make you happy.

But then over time if they keep doing it, they’ll become unhappy because it’s only your needs that are met and not theirs.

While it’s not your job to make sure they’re happy 100% all the time, it’s still necessary to check up on them and ask how they feel about the relationship.

Questions such as, “Is this relationship still working for you? are we still on the same page? what can we do together to improve it?” will make them feel seen.

They won’t feel like they’re being taken for granted. This eventually will help them feel more secure and no longer have room for doubts about the future of the relationship.

At the end of the day, it’s still their job to work on their anxious attachment issues but you can always be a good supporter to fasten the process.

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I write about all things that you might struggle with in your love life. My main goal is to make you feel less alone on your journey. If you resonate with my stories, stay in tune by becoming a Medium member here or subscribe here when new articles are posted.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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