Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold
Hey Wendy,
I’m actively dating and need your help. What should I do when I meet extraordinary guys that I don’t have any chemistry for? When do you know that chemistry is definitely not going to build over time?
Anna S.
_____
Hey Anna,
Chemistry is tricky business. For most guys, there has to be enough there from the very start. For many women in certain circumstances (let’s say about 20% of the time) our chemistry could grow if only we gave them a chance. But it’s still pretty rare.
You need to find your balance between giving a guy a chance to grow on you and walking away when it’s just not happening.
I’m not a fan of concrete rules, but dating expert and matchmaker to hundreds of happy couples Julie Ferman requires her female clients to go on at least three dates with him if she thinks he was amazing but there just wasn’t much chemistry. By the third date, if they’re going to flip, they usually do.
I had this experience during my 121 first dates. Date #60 was someone I was crazy about, but it wasn’t until three a.m. on our third date that it hit me like a ton of bricks. (Before that, he was about to be friend-zoned.) It turned on a dime! We had been sitting in a parked car in front of my place for four hours, trying to wrap up a thread of conversations unsuccessfully because we didn’t want to leave each other’s side.
If you need a place to check-in, listen to your gut. Not your head — cerebral won’t give you the answer. Not your heart, because feelings can be fleeting. But your gut, your instincts, usually know. And if you’re just not sure, give it three full dates (at least) before you walk.
On the flip side, as you give someone a chance, know they could be falling in love with you. This will cause you to feel pressure. Pressure to not be displeasing to him. You’ll feel pressure to not disappoint him. Don’t let “no chemistry dating” drag on and on. It’s not kind to your date, nor is it kind to yourself.
And it’s not personal. You’re not a bad person if you need to pass. Not enough chemistry is a perfectly valid reason to think they are not quite the right fit for partnership.
Happy dating!
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 |
—
Photo credit: René Ranisch on Unsplash
