Dear God,
Not sure where to start here…
I was going to try and soften things up front, to sort of ease into this but then I realized with you being God n’ all, well that’s probably not the best idea. So I’m just going to come out and say it: believing in You is a real struggle these days.
I don’t know if you’ve been watching but things have gone completely sideways down here; like jacked up beyond words or measurement: a total clusterf—.
The heaviness is so oppressive, the darkness is so thick, and lately hope and light are tough to come by. No matter which direction I look, all I see are people hurting and people hurting one another, and to be honest it’s getting the best of me. Though I’m putting on the bravest face I have and mustering the motions of belief as best I can—I’m afraid I’m losing my religion.
I’m not sure who to be angry at right now: You, me, the media, my neighbors. To tell you the truth it feels like we’re all dropping the ball here.
Shouldn’t things be better by now, God? Shouldn’t we have figured out how to live here without killing one another? Millions of years on the planet and we’re still incapable of loving through our differences. Isn’t that what You’re supposed to be helping us with? Isn’t this the point of believing at all? If faith isn’t changing us is it worth having?
I’ve read all the Scriptures. I know I’m supposed to pray without ceasing and believe I can endure all things and trust that Your ways are higher than our ways—but seriously this is a mess of Biblical proportions and I don’t think I’m the only one who is hanging by the thinnest of threads right now and waiting for You to show up and do what we can’t seem to do—save us from ourselves.
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God, is that I’m grieving. I’m grieving the way we treat one another here. I’m grieving the fact that we have everything we need and we’re still at each other’s throats.
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I can image how terrible this all sounds. I’m a pastor and pastors don’t talk this way. I’m supposed to feel differently and I’m trying like Hell to pray my way through this but I think I’ve finally run out of prayers. Or maybe I’ve started to feel like I’m just talking to myself; that You’re not there at all, or that You’re there and not helping—and either of these options is a pretty dreadful proposition.
The bottom line here, God, is that I’m grieving. I’m grieving the way we treat one another here. I’m grieving the fact that we have everything we need and we’re still at each other’s throats. I’m grieving how little love seems to be accomplishing. I’m grieving the constant waste of life and wondering why it has to be like this.
And I’m grieving how much of my faith feels like it slipping through my hands as I watch it all.
I know how I’m supposed to rationalize away all this horror. I know the Sunday School answers of Sin and the Fall and the Devil, and of creation groaning as it waits for You to make everything right, but honestly these don’t bring me any peace right now. They all seem like a placebo meant to fool me into feeling better without getting better.
Right now I just want people to learn how to love.
I just want goodness to win the freakin’ day.
I want to see a sliver of the beautiful world and the abundant life You promise.
I want to believe that faith makes a difference and I’m ashamed to say that right now I’m just not sure anymore.
So yeah, this is a pretty lousy prayer but it’s all I have right now. They say you fed thousands of people with a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish, so maybe you’ll feed me in this meager prayer.
Maybe with the smallest mustard seed of faith still left in me You’ll cause something redemptive to grow.
And as another struggling father in the Scriptures prayed:
“I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.”
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This article originally appeared on John Pavlovitz’s Blog
Photo credit: Getty Images
I find comfort in the idea that horrendous events offer us a unique opportunity to shine, to be God’s hands and feet and eyes on earth. We can become the vessels of God’s love, kindness and mercy to other people when they are most desperate for it. It is, perhaps, time for you to focus more intensely on your ministry…? Your doubt, passion and frustration are best transformed into the healthy energy and fuel for the amazing work that you do. Ps… A huge thank you to you, John, for speaking out about your doubt. All true God-seekers grow most… Read more »
It’s all part of the plan, Jon. That’s what you need to have faith in. No despair needed.
Have faith? In France ISIS just slit the throat of a 86 year old priest in a church during mass!!! During mass !!!!!! For God’s sake – that man had devoted his life to God. And where was the great Almighty? Two deranged idiots forced the old man on his knees in front of the altar and butchered him. And the allegedly omnipotent plan maker watched and did zilch. That is his plan? Would YOU watch someone who was devoted to you being killed in front of you and not raise a finger? And God is supposed to be greater… Read more »
You’re missing the point here Chris. If you believe in a plan, which I do, God doesn’t get involved with the day to day activities that is part of free will. Free will of the terrorist who disgustingly killed the priest. Free will of the people who witnessed it yet did nothing. Or who did something. Either way it all unfolds to some other avenue and hopefully all this is taken in, and a change is made to reflect a better path.
So, what you are saying is that God, after having finished creating, just sat back to watch in a detached wayto see how the entire drama is going to unfold. Thereby conveniently ignoring the desparate pleas of millions of praying “children” for help. This is sick to say the least. Loving? The term that comes to mind is cold. I repeat – some plan ! If I met somebody who acts that way I’d run! This belief that that there is a loving father watching out for us is just naive. Would you let your innocent children scream in despair,… Read more »