Back in the Before Times when I was interested in dating, I joined a few dating apps. It seems encouraging at first. Just look at all these single people signed up and looking for love!
Until you realize some of them aren’t actually single, some aren’t looking for love, and many would do better to get a therapist instead of a girlfriend.
It’s a different story then. Just reading through profiles — for those who took the time to even write one — was depressing. It’s bad enough having to swipe through photos of fish without reading profiles better suited to a psychological study than a dating app.
Some red flags are obvious. The “no drama” men are the man-children of the interwebs. They aren’t equipped to handle a real-life relationship. They’re telling us upfront that they are immature and unable to handle conflict. They will not be supportive of us when everything isn’t sunshine and roses.
Profiles requesting a particular body type are offensive in their own way, but at least they’re a little more honest than the “moderate” political man, which is the red flag I’ll focus on today.
Moderate is meaningless.
The general consensus among those who date men is that “moderate” is used so that they can sleep with liberals, conservatives, and independents without having to worry about matching their values. It’s deceptive, manipulative, and gross.
I’m in one of those “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” groups. I’m not dating right now, so it’s one part entertainment and one part being available to help out if I see a man I’ve dated who might need to come with a warning label. But I’ve noticed a sad trend. Too many of the women in these groups aren’t healthy enough to see the many, and obvious, red flags of dating. They keep repeating the same unhealthy relationship pattern and assume it’s because all men are awful rather than the fact that they keep picking the same type of man.
With that being said, I’m sure a lot of women don’t swipe left on “moderate.” They don’t see it as a problem. And it might not be — for them.
But for any progressive woman, this label is a major cop-out. I can’t say for sure that they have obvious commitment issues in their dating lives, but they certainly cannot commit to a political opinion that reveals their values. It makes me wonder how honest they can even be in a relationship if they’re more concerned with being appealing than finding a good match with shared values.
Say what you mean, cowards!
If I’m honest, I’m just plain tired of people misrepresenting themselves to get what they want out of relationships. I’ve been love-bombed too many times to want to go through it again with a man who can’t even openly identify his political affiliation. Frankly, if he doesn’t have a political affiliation in this day and age, he doesn’t even interest me in the slightest. If I’m ever going to be partnered again, it will be with someone who will fight for my rights as much as their own.
It’s worse when I’m the one putting all my cards on the table. I am who I say I am. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. It’s not fair to be manipulated into loving someone who is not at all what they portray themselves to be.
It makes dating far more complicated than it needs to be. If people were just honest about who they are and what they want, it would be so much easier to find a strong match. But I’m starting to think that most people just don’t have that level of self-awareness. They can’t say who they are if they haven’t taken the time to get to know the version of themselves that is unpartnered and independent.
Many women are opting out of dating now.
I’ve lost all interest in dating. It just … vanished. I don’t know if it was the election result that made me completely disinterested or just my general sense of fulfillment in my life right now. I just don’t see having a partner as being beneficial, and experience backs this up.
I don’t entirely rule out the idea of partnership, but I can’t be found on any dating sites these days. I got tired of swiping left on every single person. On the one who is too lazy to even create a profile. On the “ask me anything” men who put no other effort into it. On the moderate politics and long list of what they need without sharing what they’d be bringing to the table.
Recently, an influencer I follow shared all that he misses about relationships. I read it, and I can relate a little to missing different aspects of being romantically entangled. But overall, I read his post and realized that men benefit so much more in relationships with women than women do with men. No wonder they’re lonely when they’re single.
No wonder we’re happier when we’re on our own.
I don’t miss the actual and emotional labor of those relationships. I don’t miss having to be the number one cheerleader to someone who could barely offer a minimal level of support and encouragement to me. I don’t miss feeling the anxiety of their mercurial moods or being seen as needy when I’m really just asking for reciprocation within the relationship. I don’t miss the love-bombing followed by the quiet quitting, and I don’t miss wondering if the person I fell in love with was ever real.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I know it’s not just women either. But in the current dating culture, the focus on moderate men is intentional. We need partners who are as invested in fighting for our rights as well as their own. We don’t need partners who are oblivious about what’s happening in the world and apathetic when it comes to doing their part to make positive change.
When I would see “moderate” in those Before Times of dating, I would swipe left. Today, I hear more and more women are doing the same. We don’t care for partners who are either hiding their value system or haven’t fully formed one. Just go ahead and say you have an issue with commitment and/or honesty. It would be easier on all of us.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: GMB Fitness on Unsplash
I’m a moderate man. Another word for that is INDEPENDANT. I support some conservative ideas and some progressive ideas and believe that find a middle way is the only way America can be healed and more back together. Sorry you feel I’m wishy washy but both parties are extreme…polarizing.