Dear Parents, Please Stop Staying Together for Your Children

Have you ever heard someone say “We don’t love each other anymore but we’re staying together for the kids”?

It makes me sick to my stomach. I understand the good intention behind it but it’s naive to think children don’t get what’s going on.

I don’t (yet) have kids so feel free to attack me on that. But I’m a child of parents who didn’t love each other anymore, yet stayed together and it was a nightmare.

Children Know What’s Going On

Various studies like this one have shown even babies who’re a few months old can sense when their caregivers are stressed and that it affects their mood.

Even worse, they feel their parents’ unhappiness but can’t usually understand why. So they think it’s them — they feel guilty and responsible.

If you think this is bullsh*it, I can personally assure you it’s true. When I did the inner child work in Stephanie Stahl’s famous book “The child in you”, I caught myself feeling responsible for my parent’s broken marriage.

I’ll never forget the day I found my mom lying on the cabinet floor crying like a maniac. I was so shocked I couldn’t even react or help her — I just ignored it and prayed things will get better on their own.

Every time my parents fought, I tried to put a smile on my mommy’s face but never could. I felt like a failure.

Even if you don’t verbally/physically abuse each other, children know what’s going on. My parents weren’t big fighters either, but I could tell they had problems from their body language and the way they treated each other.

If children don’t know what’s going on, they’ll constantly have the following thought:

“If I had been better, this would not have happened.”

So, if you’re staying together “only for the kids”, not only do they sense it but they also think they have to fix it. They’ll feel responsible for their parent’s happiness and will take on the role of the caregiver — which is the absolute last thing they should do.

You’ll Teach Children to Stay in Unhappy Relationships

“Our parents’ relationship is our first and most influential example of how to interact and communicate in a romantic relationship. How love was shown between parents is influential on the child.” — Rebecca Bergen, licensed clinical psychologist

No matter what your unhappy relationship looks like — unhealthy communication, no respect, no affection — you’ll teach your kid that this is love.

Even if you try your best to hide it, your kids will automatically mirror your behavior and think it’s what a functioning relationship should look like.

You’ll not only give them a false sense of love but also teach them to stay in unhappy relationships. As psychologists suggest, many children subconsciously recreate the kind of relationships their parents had. They seek bonds that remind them of their parents because whatever feels familiar, doesn’t feel scary.

I cringe every time someone says “Well, we didn’t just give up. We fought for our (still broken) marriage.”. Yet, they don’t realize they’ve created dysfunctional children who have equally dysfunctional romantic relationships.

Leaving a relationship when you’ve tried everything to fix it is a sign of strength, not of weakness. If you do, you’ll teach your child they can do the same and don’t have to tolerate everything.

Also, if you decide to stay together and things get worse, there might be an even more severe ending like your child finding out one parent is cheating. It’s what happened to me and it was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced.

Children Are Happy When Their Parents Are

Some kids are truly relieved when their parents finally divorce.

In a UK poll, 80% of children aged 14 to 22 said they’d rather have their parents go through separation than stay together if they’re unhappy.

Long-term studies show that whilst children experience setbacks during divorce, the majority recover within a year or two. As long as they have at least one loving parent who grants stability, they’re said to become healthy adults.

“When parents’ own emotional needs are met, they offer their children a sense of stability and security from which to experience the world. A parent’s happiness allows children to feel happy and to trust that parent to meet their emotional needs.” — Lisa Firestone, clinical psychologist

So if your meets aren’t met (because you’re unhappy in your relationship), your child’s sense of security drops and results in emotional insecurity.

To sum up: if you’re happy, your children generally will be, too. They don’t want to see you unhappy in your relationship, being shouted at, or witnessing fights also because of the burden they carry through it. It’s your responsibility to create your happiness, not theirs.

Always Communicate Instead of Pretending

Something as simple as “Hey, mommy and daddy are going through a tough time but no matter what happens, we’ll always love you and it’s not your fault we are fighting.” could bring a lot of security and relief to kids.

Yet, too many parents choose to pretend everything is okay instead of being transparent. When did ignoring things instead of communicating become the new norm?

As a child, your main source of security and support is your parents. When kids sense something is wrong but don’t get answers it takes their sense of stability from them. It’s your responsibility as a parent to give security back to them by being transparent.

Never pretend and don’t leave them in the unknown, because kids feel something is going on anyways.

Final Words

No doubt a divorce or separation is upsetting for any child. But it’s never better than teaching them to stay in unhappy relationships.

I can understand things get a lot harder once children are involved but remember when you’re unhappy, it’ll make your children unhappy, too.

If I had to choose again, I’d rather have my parents split earlier or communicate more openly with me. I knew something was going on and it was driving me crazy I didn’t know what (and whether it was my fault).

As clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone says:

“We may try to fool ourselves that they are distracted playing on the floor, but little is likely to slip past them when it comes to dynamics between their parents.”

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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