Dear Santa, Good Luck With These

Every year, my wife and mom ask what I want for Christmas. Every year I answer, “I would like one million dollars.”

Every year, I am disappointed on Christmas morning.

I don’t need or want anything. My wife and I usually buy what we want for ourselves during the year, if there’s anything we need at all. So, Christmas for us is usually just looking at the gifts we got the kids and saying, “We are going to be paying these off until next Christmas.”

This is where that million dollars would come in handy, mom.

But I do have a list. I have a list of things that, as a part of being a parent, gets added to every day. I figured I’d do what the kids do and write them down as a letter to Santa.

Here goes.

…

Dear Santa,

Hi! How are you doing this year? How is Mrs. Claus? Are you really as big a jerk as the classic movie, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” portrays you? I hope not, because he is such an ass. Also, how do elves reproduce? Do they do it like normal people, or do they have some sort of elven fertility ritual with penguin sacrifices and things?

If you could get rid of my adult ADD this year, I’d appreciate it.

Okay, on with my list.

This is going to be difficult but, as you know from being Santa, I have four children. They are all now in their teens or 20s, so my list does not include toys.
They mainly ask for money now so, which is tough for me because there are four of them and they take it all during the course of the year.

I think this is going to be difficult for you, but here goes.

For Christmas this year:

I would like my children to wake up the first time I ask them to
Ditto with going to bed
Oooh, and brushing their teeth
I would like my children to do what I ask the first time with anything, really
I would like my children to eat what I make for dinner
I want them to stop arguing or complaining about all of the above
If you could get my children who drive to stop crashing into things, that would be great
Also, give me a break on my car insurance premiums (see the last bullet point)
Send my older ones who are away at college the gift of good decisions
Please also send them a protective bubble for when they make bad ones
While I’m talking about college, a Groupon for their tuition would be nice
Give my oldest the gift of knowing when swear words are appropriate, because she uses them in every sentence, and it’s super ****ing annoying
I would like my children to clean up after themselves because I’m tired of stepping on cereal
Bring me more patience when my child walks into the room, forcing me to pause my “Rated M for Mature” show, and shows me a 20-minute long YouTube video of some person I’ve never heard of playing a video game I don’t care about
Speaking of video games, can you get my boys to stop yelling when they’re playing them
Give them a good work ethic, patience with others, and empathy
Basically, make them the opposite of me