Reading this letter will leave you inspired and heartbroken all at once.
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Dearest Darling Limpetgirl (2011),
I know you are hurting, my Poppet. I can see that right now you are broken, a shell of the woman you once were. I can see that you are exhausted; weary with the burden of sadness you carry, devastated by the way your life has fallen apart. I know you just want help. And here it is.
Thanks to the power of magic fairy dust and sparkly unicorns this missive comes to you from three years in the future. From you! From your future self more than a thousand days later, with everything you need to know to ease your pain and get you through it all.
He broke your heart. I know that. And it happened in a horrid way, he just withdrew his love and disappeared one night. He left you and he left his two children. Your world was shattered. But what you do now is important, the decisions you make now, as a single parent, have consequences. So sit back, my love, make yourself comfortable and focus. Here are the answers you so desperately seek.
1. The quickest way from A to B is to accept A.
You didn’t want your relationship to end, but he did. You can cry about it and talk it over with your friends ad nauseam, but it was going to end. Yes, you could both have handled the ending better for the sake of the children, but you weren’t given a choice. I know if you could go back you might do things differently, but you’d still end up apart, because you weren’t right for each other. He didn’t want to be with you anymore. It was a rejection and rejection sucks, but you, my dear one, are still worth loving and you will, in time, when you are ready, find love again. But the quickest way to achieve that is to accept what has happened.
2. You don’t need to argue anymore.
You’re passionate. It what makes you who you are, but when you mix passion with anger and hurt it means you won’t always be thinking calmly and reasonably. There may be days where you hate this man and what he has done to you and your children. There will be days when you want to scream and shout and tell the world what a fuckwit he is. But what you don’t need to do anymore is argue. His life is his life, what he does with it is not your concern now. The only conversations you need to have are about the children — when he is seeing them and when he’s bringing them home. The rest? Who said what to whom and when? That doesn’t matter now. Those are not your arguments to have.
3. He will always be the father of your children.
Your boys will always love their Daddy because he is their Daddy. They don’t fully understand the enormity of what he has done to them and to you and maybe they won’t really get it until they become fathers themselves. But what they don’t need to hear is you saying bad things about their Dad (or worse, publishing your hate in bitter little Facebook updates). There may be times when you are hurting so badly that you can’t keep it all in, and Petal, there is no such thing as the perfect Mummy, but as much as possible, keep it neutral. It will be better for them that way. They will come to their own conclusions about what he has done, and believe me, they will be grateful for everything you do for them and love you forever. You are a great Mummy. They need you to get your shit together as quickly as possible so that you can take care of them the way they need because the reality is, you have to do the job of two parents now.
4. The pain will ease.
Baby, you won’t always feel this way, but recovery doesn’t happen overnight, and you have to work through your emotions in a healthy way. You can’t bottle this up and you can’t drink (or snort) or smoke (or eat) your way to oblivion. I know right now you want to curl up under the duvet and never come out. I know you just want to stop hurting. You’ve had thoughts about running away, about letting someone else deal with the mountain of crapola, but you know that’s not the way through it. When you are ready, there are some things that will help. Anti-depressants, counseling, good friends, self-development, reflection and understanding will all make a difference. Chocolate will help a little, but only for a few minutes. After that it will just sit on your arse and make aeroplane seatbelts uncomfortably tight.
5. You won’t find another love until you are whole again.
Honey — you won’t have any trouble finding men, but oh my Lordy Lou, you are not going to find the right kind of love for years yet. You are too broken and you’ll look for all the wrong things in all the wrong places. You’ll be needy and emotional and cling on where you shouldn’t. You’ll be a limpet of love. If you want to date and have some special grown up times, then go ahead, be safe, be careful but protect your heart. It’s not ready to handle any further fuckwittery, of which there will surely be plenty. But when you are ready. Love will find you, I promise.
6. You will be happy again.
Right now you are numb inside. Everyday is a painful struggle to look after two small people and to function in a relatively normal way. You don’t feel strong, I know you hate it when people even use that word. So let’s call it something else… let’s call it fortitude. Or resilience. Or durability. You, my girl, have staying power, you have brains in your shoes and feet in your head (or somesuch). You will keep on getting out of bed each day and doing what you have to do to make it through. Do this a thousand times over, and you will be happy again. I promise you. I promise you. You will be happy again.
You thought you had it all, beautiful home, beautiful children, a loving man and an easy-breezy life. But he didn’t love you and you couldn’t make each other happy. Brace yourself. Before it gets better it’s going to get worse. You’ll work your arse off until you cry with fatigue. You’ll be broke, homeless and looking at the shattered dreams beneath your feet. There’ll be damp on the walls and spiders the size of chihuahuas. But it will be ok. You won’t believe me right now, but this is the right path for your life. It’s a long, hard bumpy path littered with dog shite and other assorted piles of crap, but this is your path for now, and you will walk it with dignity and courage. Just watch where you put your feet.
With love,
Limpetgirl (2014)
P.S. Don’t buy the brown dress. It made you gook like a plop on legs.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I divorced 3 years ago after 10 years of marriage. A year later, I reconnected with a good friend of 15 years. We fell in love and decided to have long-distance relationship. He promised love. We talked about planning our live together with our kids. I planned to move to his country. I took language course. Then one day he sent an email to break up our relationship. He said he couldn’t face the pressure from our future plan. He said he still wanted to.have his private life (hang out with his friends, his new job), playing his only hobby… Read more »
OMG.. It’s like this article is speaking to me..
My man just broke up with me after 16 years and 2 kids..
And this is just what I needed to read.
Thank you.
Hi Aubrey, there’s plenty more like this in my blog http://www.limpetgirl.blogspot.com. Do check it out. And I wish you all the very best of luck in the shit path you have ahead of you. x
I’ve been there and done that and come out the other side smiling . Yes it takes time and it is important to give yourself that space. I love the part about fuckwittery because it is very real.
I am blessed to have found the love of my life and 23 years later we are still doing great inspite of step parenting dramas of which there were many.
Hang in there. Life gets better. And you deserve the best.
“You will be happy again…”
My BFF was gutted when it happened to her…but eventually she just picked her self up again and continued life with her son….weird wonderful things started happening in her life….sweet supportive people popped out of nowhere to help her and befriend her…she met a new love and is now whole again…
Wishing you strength and courage…
Thank you. 🙂
Hi Wes, thanks for your comments. Sorry to hear you are on the same path. It’s fucking hard. It’s affected my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Please take a look at my blog http://www.limpetgirl.blogspot.com it has other posts which you might find helpful. I’ve written about the pain and heartbreak, acceptance, letting go, counselling and depression… there’s some fun stuff in there too, it’s not all weepy.
Just stay true to yourself my darling, seek help where you need it and take it one day at a time.
Good luck,
Limpet Girl. x
Thanks for sharing this lovely letter. I am on this path now and advice like this helps.
I couldn’t have written this better myself. Having been through a very similar situation.I wish you’d add to this that you will lose friends, and you will make bad friends. Ones who don’t understand why you’re hurting, ones that put you down and expect you to be over the pain in a minute. Ones that only see flaws in you and feed the pain and feed the insecurity rather than lift you up. And you need to unplug from those and just stick to those who can remind you how strong you are, how wonderful. Big hugs.
You are right, Zaat. I was shocked to find that the friend I thought would be there for me just wasn’t, and the ones who really came through for me were a surprise. It wasn’t until I looked at myself through her eyes that I really saw what was happening to me. Really good friends will help you through – and it is times like these you’ll find out who the really good friends are.
Good luck, my friend.
I needed to read this…. Thank you!
You are very welcome. It’s what I wish I knew back then. The good news is that the pain doesn’t last forever, although, at the time, it felt like it would. You will find your own path, when the time is right you’ll let go of the hurt and move on. Good luck, my friend.
I just had some bad times, maybe the Worts years of my life so In order to survive i must re start my self somehow i became into xtreme sports practicing and What i figured out. Are. Tris basic rules to survive any situación or person
Breath
Dont look back past Has goone and i Will nwvwr come. Back
Enjoy present
Dont worry for future. It Will arrived ready or not.
Very wise words, Eduardo. I particularly like the bit about not worrying about the future – it will arrive whether you are ready or not! Good luck on your journey, my friend.