Sorry, boys, this is not a list of ways to turn it around
This is a treatise you shouldn’t care so much about it.
I get it: Right now you think you’re the only teen in history to not lose his virginity. You think you have no value as a man if you’re not “slayin’ tail” or whatever the popular phrase is this week.
But it’s all an illusion. An illusion that most of us went through.
And one I hope you recognize for the mirage that it is.
Because one day soon, possibly sooner than you think, hopefully not too much later than you think, it’ll finally happen. You’ll “get laid.” And maybe you’ll brag about it to your friends, maybe you won’t. But you’ll probably pat yourself on the back because you’ve been taught that this is an important milestone in proving your virility, as culture has taught millions of men before you.
For some of you, the experience will be amazing. But trust me when I say that for a lot of you it won’t be. You’ll think to yourself, “That wasn’t as great as I expected.” Because sex is complicated. I don’t mean the physicality of it, I mean the many different ways you can feel awkward, the intense intimacy you’ll be thrust into with your partner, which can really be overwhelming.
And even if you don’t feel awkward about it afterward, you might just not feel any different at all. That whole idea you might have built up in your head that, from here on in, you’ll feel like Superman won’t turn out to be true. You’ll just still be the same ‘ol you. And that let down can be crushing
If you rush it, and do it with the first consensual partner, under less-than-desirable circumstances, you could get your whole sexual history off on the wrong foot. And building a foundation on a regrettable experience is much worse than just waiting a little longer for you to take this huge step under the right circumstances
With someone who actually means something to you. Someone you can trust. Someone you can look in the eye down the road
Because if you do it just to check off the box, you run the risk of feeling worse about yourself than you did for still being a virgin
So I say this: having to wait way longer than you want to have sex will probably be good for you
I know it seems like a badge of shame for now, but that’s nothing compared to the feeling of having had a bad experience the first time. Especially if it’s bad for your partner, or they later feel like you rushed them into it. Not only can that be traumatizing for them, but if you have a conscience, the guilt you’ll feel will haunt you for years–even if you apologize for it.
So don’t sweat that it isn’t working out just yet.
The ones who are rejecting you right now? Guess what: they’re all going to look back on the decisions they were making as teenagers and pretty much regret every single one of them. Because they can’t spot true character and integrity right now. They’re too busy chasing “mystery” and guys in leather jackets who look cool but will take them for granted and neglect them. Maybe even cheat on them.
I’m telling you to be alone right now is a sign that you’re actually an amazing guy. But people can’t recognize it yet. They’ll appreciate you more down the road.
Maybe you’re thinking you’ll be sooooo much happier if you can “join the club” and join the ranks of the sexually active.
But I’ve got news for you: it doesn’t take anything special to have sex
Literally, any humans on the planet can do it, regardless of intelligence, character, personality or level of success. You just need compatible body parts. Which is no special achievement.
Hell, any animal on the planet can do it, too.
So it’s really not a huge accomplishment.
And if you have to wait a while longer but you’re actually in a mature and emotionally stable place in life when you do it? A much better
I was a college freshman before my day finally came, and I was teased constantly in high school about it. It felt endlessly embarrassing. But luckily I was too much of a romantic to just “do it with anyone” and “get it over with.” And I’m now glad I waited because you’ll never remember that embarrassment later in life. And as I said, I realized it didn’t really change me. After the high wears off, you’re still just you. So make sure the you you are is something you’re proud of.
There’s a great line from a David Henry Hwang’s play “M. Butterfly” that goes, “There’s no guarantee of failure in life like happiness in high school.”
Translation: if you have to go a little longer than most to experience life’s great reward of sex, it will probably be good for you. People who get everything they want without having to wait usually don’t end up appreciating anything, or just being entitled jerks all around.
So be ok if this big step is taking a little longer than you want. A healthy sex life is great. Rushing it isn’t.
Go focus on your soccer skills. Or your piano lessons. Or just getting into a good college. Those things will be far more instrumental in your overall life-long fulfillment than your first time having sex. (Which will probably only last a few minutes, by the way.)
Everyone has sex eventually. But not everyone becomes a fantastic person.
Focus on the latter, and the former will take care of itself in its own sweet time.
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