Dear Toxic Trolls: The Problem With You Is…You

Perhaps they’re being analytical. Perhaps they think they’re being insightful. Perhaps they simply disbelieve and their pushing and testing aren’t because I’m a woman but more because they don’t know how to use Google. Perhaps they don’t realize they are bleeding toxicity with every word they write. And to be fair, perhaps I’m simply being touchy or sensitive, or that what used to roll off my back bothers me now and my tolerance is diminished. Whatever the root, the result is the same. These toxic people refuse to acknowledge their contributions to soupy situations and instead choose to blame those around them.

Let me back up a bit: I wrote an article on breakups and how cis-hetero men and cis-hetero women tend to resolve their heartbreak and process the end of the long term relationship they have recently ended, and casually (without citing references) stated that men and women process differently: Women tend to feel the anguish and emotional pain immediately and do their processing (and sometimes over-processing) right after the breakup, whereas men tend to distract themselves immediately following the breakup—with booze, other women, etc.,—and do their processing later. I think this is part of why men who are so inclined often reach out again to their ex girlfriends months later, but by that time, the woman has usually moved on.

A reader either didn’t like what I said or how I said it and wanted to know if there was research on this topic. While I have a masters degree in psychology (studying topics exactly like this), I simply responded “yes, there’s a fair bit of research,” Googled the topic (revealing pages of stats, some from peer-reviewed journals, some just from news reports), and copied four or five links for him to read at his leisure.

I received a comment from another man railing at the title of a piece on the best dating advice I’d ever received—obviously without reading the piece—admonishing me for offering my perspective, and lambasting men who might heed what I say.

Disclaimer: I am only one person and certainly have my own experiences and opinions, and I don’t claim to speak on behalf of every woman. That said, I find it hilarious when I get comments like these.

This guy was so angry, he rage-clicked on my article, scrolled to the bottom, and left a long comment about how all women are the same and only going to use and discard men, and no man should ever follow dating advice offered by a woman.

My first instinct was to wish him peace and healing. It’s clear by the vitriol in his response that he’s been hurt—badly. I’m not sure of the circumstances surrounding his wound(s), but my heart goes out to him in his pain.

My second instinct was defensiveness born of ego. It’s easy to pee all over someone else’s creations while hiding behind the safety and security of a keyboard. And it’s easier still to troll people when you are too cowardly to jump into the arena and participate (he’s written no stories; just trolled other people. I checked).

I, however, have always subscribed to the idiom, “If you don’t have something nice to say, keep your mouth shut.” Want to give constructive feedback or tell me why you disagree with what I’ve written? Great, bring it on. That will serve to hone my skills and make me a better writer. Plus, I love engagement and feedback as it means something I’ve written has struck a chord, for better or worse. But for heaven’s sake: read the piece first.

My third instinct was to jeer at his comment that men should never follow a woman’s dating advice. If I were entering, say, a baking competition or trying to win a huge catering contract, I’d try to find out what flavors and textures the judges preferred. And if one of those judges wrote a piece about what they looked for in their prizeworthy pastries, and what stood out to them, even if I ultimately decided to go a different direction when I was baking, you can surely bet that I’d at least read the piece and consider their preferences.

Dating—like flavor preferences—is highly subjective, but here is a universal principle: Watch your level of acidity; Too much bitterness will ruin everything.

Sometimes we’re so caught up in our pain and misery that we don’t even see that we are perpetuating it. Holding toxic beliefs and attitudes and clinging fast while claiming it’s the world around you that is toxic, not you —never you—is like squeezing too much lemon juice into the batter, tasting the batter, and scrunching up our faces because it’s too acidic, and then squeezing in more lemon juice. Repeat.

The common denominator among the people we date is us. We chose them. We dated them. And perhaps we haven’t chosen wisely. Perhaps we don’t know better. But holding on to bitterness only spoils the batter.

Not every person holds toxic beliefs, but it behooves us to take a good long look in the mirror if we aren’t happy with how things are going, rather than splattering that acidity across everyone you meet.

To the angry man who doesn’t think women have anything worthwhile to say about dating, I hear your pain. I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy. I wish you peace and healing, and at the same time, I wish you self-reflection.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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