Dear Women: This One Practice Can Change how You Feel Cared for in Relationships

Some weeks ago, I wrote an article for men:

Dear Men: This One Practice Can Drastically Improve Your Relationships

When it comes to relationships, there’s a very common problem amongst couples. Women often feel unseen and uncared for, while men don’t know how to handle emotional situations.

For many years, and especially in my past marriage, I’ve experienced it deeply. I felt that my ex-husband wasn’t able to even listen to me without feeling defensive or dismissive.

It’s not that he did it on purpose. Just like many men, he just didn’t know how to be there for the women they did care for.

What’s surprising is that even after consulting with two marriage counselors, neither was able to help us with such a common issue.

It took me a divorce, and a few years of inner work and learning about feminine and masculine polarity and principles to finally understand what’s going on, and how to heal from this dynamic.

I copied the following subsection from the other article, as it applies to both men and women, but the next subsections are written for women’s perspective, even if the titles are similar.

The inner relationship: animus and anima

We all have our inner masculine and inner feminine.

Our inner masculine resides in the mind, and it plans, strategizes, structures, protects, and takes action.

Our inner feminine is our authentic heart, the emotions we feel, and our intuition.

As we grow up, we solidify our inner animus and inner anima, often based on our relationship with our parents and the social conditioning from our immediate environment.

This has a direct impact on how we show up as the gender we identify with the most, and how we perceive and interact with others of the opposite gender.

We also tend to attract and feel attracted to those who are the closest embodiment of the opposite gender, as their energy is the most familiar and what we resonate with the most.

This is also why when our inner masculine and inner feminine are not in harmony, this disarmony ends up reflecting in our outer relationships.

The inner disharmony with your inner feminine

For many of us, and especially for those who have grown up under punitive environments, we learned to dismiss and even criticize our own feelings and emotions ever since we were little.

Every time we were told that we were too much, that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, or that we should play nice and put other people first, our inner critical voice was created and solidified.

And worse is that to many of us, it became so normalized that we didn’t even realize what we have been doing to ourselves.

Years ago, as I was making fun of my own lack of talent at sports, someone close to me challenged that. He said that if I wouldn’t say the same things to a friend or a child, then why would I say that to myself?

That was the beginning of my awareness of the quality of my inner voice.

I realized that I used to doubt and dismiss the validity of my own feelings.

My mind would tell me what I should have done or felt instead, and a series of what I should do to fix things.

So how can I choose a man who actually listens to me and cares for how I feel, when all I know is the dynamic of dismissiveness and criticism, and little did I know how to set boundaries against it?

How do I resonate with healthier dynamics in men, when my inner masculine itself is not so healthy?

A practice that harmonized my inner masculine and feminine

It all began with intercepting this dynamic with my inner voice.

As I became aware of it, every time it came up, I decided to change what it said to myself.

I understood that my mind wasn’t trying to hurt me on purpose. In fact, it had always tried to protect me. It’s just it didn’t know better, and simply adopted whatever method it could come up with.

So I appreciated its effort, but changed the inner dialog.

Over time, it became more and more validating and supportive.

I tell myself that there is always a reason to feel what I feel. And I became curious about my own feelings, while finding ways to provide proper space and time to sit with them.

I also learned better ways to implement boundaries. I don’t feel the need to overexplain and overconvince anyone to understand me.

I also learned how to express myself better, as the feminine in the relationship, instead of coming from my own place of hurt.

My mind loves my heart in many ways, and my heart appreciates all that my mind does. They are so in love with each other.

How this change everything in your relationships

As I learned how to express myself from a place of authentic, heartfelt vulnerability, it changed how men respond to me.

And as I learned to set boundaries properly, not only do I have to have a marathon of convincing, but the other person learned that I wouldn’t put up with lack of care.

And people can sense the shift. When we have an inner confidence about our inner truth, and we are fully in tune with it and honor it, people subconsciously mirror that pattern.

Having a better understanding of the masculine and feminine dynamics also helped me to allow more grace for the other person, and know that it’s often about themselves, too, if they feel defensive, and not necessarily having to do with me.

When I communicate from a place of authentic vulnerability, a man feels safer to meet me where I’m at.

And when I can walk away and have proper boundaries if I’m uncomfortable with something, the other person can understand better that certain things do need to be addressed for the sake of a healthier relationship.

This harmonization of the feminine and the masculine in the outer world is made possible when I harmonize the feminine and the masculine in the inner world.

Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.

If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:

Why Marriage Counseling Didn’t Work For Me And What I Wish I Knew

2 Key Aspects of Improving Communication in Relationships

Behind Strong Attractions — The Magnetic Pull Between Us And Our Wound Counterparts