Decisions vs. Consequences: What You Must Consider Before Marriage

Before you decide to get married, it’s important that you consider your reasons, because those reasons form the foundation that may either make or mar your marriage.

When you speak with intending couples and ask them why they chose their specific partner for marriage, you’ll often hear responses like:

“I love her.”
“I realised he’s the one.”

These may sound super cute on the surface, but they often lack the depth required to sustain a marriage in the long run. Let’s take a closer look at these statements.

“I love her”

When people say they love their partners, are they referring to the butterfly feelings that come with the “good times”? I mean, if someone is always at the right place at the right time, does thoughtful things, and replicates movie scenes like showing up with flowers or dancing in the rain, it can trigger what’s known as the love hormone — oxytocin, to be exact.

So, you’d think, “I love this person,” but in truth, you may just love the experience you’re having with them and how it makes you feel, not the person themselves.

“I realised he’s the one”

The concept of “the one” has been widely debated by relationship experts, psychologists, and scholars. Some believe it’s a myth. Others say “the one” is simply the person you choose to commit to.

For me, I’m more interested in the thinking process behind this belief. Often, when people claim someone is “the one,” it’s because that person ticks about 70% of their mental checklist. So it feels like fate.

In fairness, this seems more logical than the “I love her” group, at least there’s a checklist involved. But even those who’ve married “the one” still find themselves in divorce court.

So… what went wrong?

Maybe both groups missed something. Or maybe they didn’t. Let’s see.

Love Is a Decision

Some people say love is not a feeling but a decision. I say love is a feeling but more of a decision.

Yes, you must feel something. You must feel drawn to the person, excited about them. There has to be some spark. But after that initial spark, you must decide. You must make daily choices that contribute to the success of the relationship.

Don’t marry someone you feel nothing for. That’s just cruelty to both of you. But feelings alone won’t carry a marriage, either. You’ll need to make decisions that move you from selfish to selfless. You’ll need to consider them in your plans. You’ll need to make their life easier. And they must be willing to do the same.

So, while feelings may be the trigger, decisions are the fuel. The day you stop making those decisions is the day you’ve chosen to stop building the marriage, and the beginning of the end.

Consequences: The Most Ignored Factor

This, right here, is what most intending couples never consider — consequences.

You’ve decided to serve this person for life. Beautiful. But is your decision based only on what you’re currently getting from them?

For example, a man marries a chef because her meals make his soul dance. It’s bliss. He’s in love and decides to serve and honour her. But what happens when she outgrows cooking? Or starts a business and outsources meals?

Will he still love her? Or will he resent her?

That’s why it’s important to examine the possibilities. What I call “consequences.”

Religious experts understood this, which is why vows include both the highs and lows:

In health (decisions) and in sickness (consequences), in riches (decisions) and in poverty (consequences), to have (decisions) and to hold (consequences), till death do us part.

Let’s flip the coin.

A woman may marry a man because he’s financially secure: he provides the life she’s always dreamed of. But what happens if life hits hard, and he loses it all? She has him, but will she still hold him?

We’ve seen it over and over.

A man marries a woman for her strength and vibrancy. She runs the home, cares for the kids, and serves him in every way. But what happens when she’s bedridden after a long illness?

Will he still hold her?

Because loving someone when everything is sweet is easy. But marriage isn’t just about the “to have.” It’s about the “to hold,” especially when things fall apart.

Will You Still Hold Them When the Fire Comes?

In life, we often make decisions based on what makes us happy. But wisdom is in preparing for what could go wrong. That’s why Jesus didn’t say if the fire comes. He said: