Decoding the Avoidant: What Your Partner Isn’t Saying Out Loud

Let’s get something straight before we dig in. I know sometimes it feels like I am the resident apologist for avoidants, but my aim is to explain behaviors and give you context behind the logic that is hard to understand.

I know all of this information because my transformation journey started as the avoidant who didn’t understand the damage my behaviors caused until I decided enough was enough and learned the error in my ways.

That period left me with a moment to reflect and understand the signals I thought I was sending vs. the feelings they produced for others.

The value of understanding attachment theory and attachment styles is collecting knowledge of where our behaviors come from at their core, but also highlighting what we intend to communicate.

There are behaviors, actions, and words that feel harmful, but they are a shield for a deep-rooted problem that most people who struggle with their current attachment haven’t explored.

That is the bridge between creating change.

I get it — sometimes you want to shake the new behaviors, actions, and words into someone, but you also know it is their job to “want” to change.

It is not your job, but it does help to understand what your partner is struggling to communicate, albeit their responsibility. Well, that’s why I am here: to help you decipher and understand what your avoidant partner is struggling to say.

I need time to think

Let’s play out a situation that I know you’ve all experienced before.

You have something on your mind that might be personal, related to the relationship, or it can even be unrelated to anyone in the relationship, and your avoidant partner cuts you off and wants to end the conversation.

It can feel like the biggest slap in the face. It feels like no matter how many times you try, you can’t have a simple conversation with your partner.

When there are times when you need to have a conversation about the relationship, your partner checks out and later “needs time to themselves.”

How do you navigate these times?

I know this sounds like you are bending over backwards for your partner and not serving yourself, but your partner is overwhelmed by these conversations because they feel like they’re caught off guard.

When you approach your partner, it feels like you have taken hours to “get your case together,” while your partner is hearing it for the first time.

Your partner bails because they feel like they are going to be responsible for addressing and solving the problem, rather than just hearing what you have to say — an immediate trigger for avoidants.

Your partner needs a preview and a time in the future when they can meet you after having time to think.

Instead of conversations that feel like they’re coming out of the blue” Hey, I have been thinking about ____ (topic) and I would love to hear about what you ____(think/solution), we don’t have to talk about it now, but let’s chat (sounds light and manageable) at ___ (location and time that is a comfortable space.”

Your partner is telling you they need space from the pressure, not from you, even when they point to you as the source. Lower the stakes and watch the response you receive.

The short and sweet

Generally, when we think about something that affected us emotionally, we are able to speak about it in detail. We want to review the whole story, break down small moments, speak on the emotion it elicited, and work through it with someone.

Well, avoidants don’t work in that same system.

Again, I can guess that the few times you have gotten an avoidant to speak about something that should trigger an emotional response, you got an answer that was short and to the point.

It probably left you feeling like you are working with someone who is closed off, not giving you much to work with, and hiding information from you.

I can go a step further and assume you’ve said something along those lines to your partner — a recipe for failure.

Avoidants work within what I like to call the emotional pyramid. At the top would be something along the lines of a death in the family, and at the bottom would be someone taking their parking spot.

When there is something low on the emotional pyramid, avoidants don’t give much emotional energy toward it. Unfortunately, when you are expressing problems to them, they use the same emotional pyramid in response.

Secondly, sometimes, their short response is a condensed version of how you would express it. “That really sucked” is the emotional response, the story, and their aggravation level, summarized in short.

Lastly, an avoidant feels responsible for solving problems on their own. Yes, hyper-independence. In their mind, communicating something to someone they don’t view as the person who is responsible for solving the problem is a complete waste of time.

Well, what do you think happens when you push for more information? You are stripping them of the control over fixing their problem, you’re invading their personal space, and you’re intruding on their ability to problem solve (in their mind). Now, you are a problem instead of an aid.

I need space

I think you can see the recurring theme here by now.

There are items that are more personal to your partner’s frame of thinking, rather than keeping you in mind as they express those beliefs.

One of the most frequent issues you deal with is your partner’s need for space, which feels like they are distancing themselves from the relationship.

You’re not wrong. There are moments when the relationship makes your avoidant partner feel like they are losing a piece of themselves and their unique individuality.

A full dive into the relationship makes them feel a loss of control. That feeling is not necessarily a fear that you will abuse any sense of control they release to you, but it is a feeling of loss over the pace and vision they have for a relationship.

Again, they are not correct in their frame of thinking, but avoidants are slow committers; this is why they can enjoy all the fun bits of a relationship without fully committing to it and being careless about it. What happens next is that you draw a line in the sand, and they reel you back in.

Well, what is their vision? That is a great question. Their vision is an ability to show up as their “best self,” and until then, they will tell you that they aren’t ready, they aren’t worthy, they ruin every relationship they’re in, etc.

There is a micro-obsession with being perfect, and until then, it doesn’t make sense that someone would want to be with them.

When avoidants duck and dodge proximity and closeness, they will generally tell you the problem is them or “if you’re pushing,” the reality is they are not ready to open access to their space.

They haven’t taken the time for inner exploration to find the reason for their insecurity.

Yes, that is a problem that they need to solve without you. When I say that, it is a problem every individual needs to figure out on their own, regardless of attachment style.

Wrap up

It hurts, I know.

You see the potential in your partner, but you continuously get the side that makes you feel like your efforts and words fall on deaf ears.

Unfortunately, those who are people pleasers get consumed with guilt and the “I can fix you” trait that digs the hole deeper.

If I can leave you with anything, it is that an avoidant is feeling internal pressure regardless of how poorly they communicate it to you, and you are generally not the problem at the core.

Their need for time, space, and a slow pace comes from slow processing, and if you push it, it does not feel like someone trying to help; it feels like someone rushing their process, albeit a backwards one.

It leaves you between a rock and a hard place.

Once you learn what your partner is actually communicating, their confusing expression of it will become so clear that you will know how to navigate those times.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at [email protected] to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.