Loyalty and trust are always a concern, it seems, when talking about bisexuals in relationships. Many studies suggest bisexuals are more likely to cheat than hetero- and homosexuals.
According to Ley (2011)
“Studies that have compared the levels of monogamy find that bisexuals are the least likely group to report monogamy in their relationships. Lesbians are the most like to report sexual fidelity, followed by heterosexuals, and then gay males, and last, bisexuals. However, as a group, bisexuals, both men and women, also appear to be the ones most likely to explore negotiated or ethical nonmonogamy, such as polyamory or other forms of open relationships. As a result, bisexuality offers an interesting window into the ways in which couples negotiate complex aspects of trust, jealousy and commitment.”
Really? Come on!
Every person has the same tendencies to estrange fidelity, so to single out bisexuals is just unfair. But agreeing with Ley’s ending statement, bisexuals do appear to “explore negotiated or ethical nonmonogamy,” much more, in my opinion, because it allows bisexuals to authentically live a bisexual life. However, both partners don’t need to claim bisexuality to explore nonmonogamy. My wife supports my bisexuality and I support her exploring relationships with other men because we recognize and understand our fidelity is strong. Our fidelity is uniquely our own and works because of transparency and trust. We are transparent and honest with ourselves and one another because we practice extrinsic and intrinsic fidelity to be the most perfect beings for ourselves and to one another. Now, we are not perfect by any means, but we are perfect for one another.
For readers who are unaware, my wife and I divorced which lasted 10 months. We reconciled and remarried after we both demanded from one another openness, even with difficult discussions. Now, we do not hide anything from one another but share our emotions, concerns, annoyances (with work, society, and each other) to fully support and grow one another. She would say I am too open with her and I tell her she needs to be more open, but with all successful relationships, we compromise. However, we both meet the requirement we initially agreed upon.
I tell her about all the potential men I may meet and she does the same with her men. We both reveal if any further advances take place, but reassure one another that the other is our first priority. By keeping one another up-to-date with our activity outside our relationship with one another, it actually advances our relationship to be stronger. By practicing openness, assumptions are less likely to occur, and translucency and trust are promoted always.
We both reveal our insecurities to one another, too. I do let her know my insecurities so she can address them directly to squash any fears I may have and vice versa. These insecurities are sometimes revealed very much impromptu, but assumption increases without addressing them immediately. No matter the circumstance, issues need to be addressed as soon as possible. When I reveal to my wife my insecurities, I am being transparent. Transparency requires total vulnerability, which suggests strength, not weakness, and improves communication and trustworthiness.
All relationships require trust. Without trust, relationships denigrate rather than blossom. My marriage to my wife started with both trusting the love we had for one another. We weren’t totally honest with ourselves, though, on the day of our marriage. I did not trust myself to feel secure enough to claim my bisexuality due to shame and fear, and she did not trust herself to be vulnerable enough to reveal her total authentic self.
The divorce initiated my journey to trust my inner feelings and desires. I cemented for my wife her trust of my love toward her. I could have easily decided to not reconcile, but I continued to trust and listen to my heart. My heart has always spiraled toward my wife because I have always trusted my heart and the feelings that Abigale has always projected toward me. She never stopped loving me even through divorce proceedings, I know, so my fidelity remained strong.
Abigale and I upon reconciliation began a monogamish marriage, according to Dan Savage’s definition. My wife and I always realized that we are each other’s soul mates, but we both find it exciting to create connections with others.
For my wife, it’s about the connection, not sex (but acceptable). She loves building relationships with other men to hear their stories, but for me, being bisexual, the relationships I create with men are totally different than relationships with women. For me building a relationship with a man brings out a different side of me—I’m mostly less dominant and more submissive.
The relationship is never the same as my marriage, yet no relationship outside my marriage could ever match the excellent bond I have with Abby to make me consider severing my marriage. Our lives were destined to cross paths in order to understand and support one another’s quirky desires and habits while retaining strong fidelity for one another. Our fidelity is certainly our own just as fidelity for other relationships is definitely idiosyncratic.
My bisexual revelation allowed for Abby and me to have a monogamish marriage. After reconciliation, my wife was ready and more than willing to commit herself to me and practice monogamy, and I was willing, too. However, Abigale suggested that I own and explore my bisexuality and be who I am, but my reply to her was exactly the same. I suggested for her to explore and act herself on her desires and not allow herself to feel constrained in traditionalism.
She accepted and I could see relief lift from her shoulders. Our monogamish marriage allows for the utmost transparency and trust. Practicing transparency and trust allows both of us to feel secure and growth. We both have grown beyond expectation by defining the terms of our marriage idiosyncrasies and feel more secure with our direction than our first rodeo.
Fidelity for Abigale and me is being dependable and loyal by supporting each other’s goals and desires as well as our own. Together and as individuals, we have journeys to experience and learn from, but our journeys would be incomplete without each of us standing beside the other. Not as friends or lovers, but as each other’s soul mates who pass no judgment.
• Should always be defined by those who will practice it, not outsiders.
• Many times will look different, never exactly the same, in every relationship.
• Must be between the couple and be intrinsic to each person.
• Can be taught but it’s hard to replicate.
• Is unique to the person and the relationship in question.
• Can look like infidelity when outsiders look inward onto a person and relationship.
Only those practicing a specific fidelity should be able to question whether or not it is genuine or forged. If one does not practice genuine fidelity, then the person cannot offer authenticity to themselves and others.
Being loyal and supporting your partner is better if an individual is supporting and being loyal to themself. Abby and I are now practicing both fidelities, and our marriage is better for it.