As parents, we are required to empathize with children who talk back, do the opposite of what we say, never listen, and get on our nerves. It’s easy to lose your cool and get trapped in a state of confusion, shame, fear, and guilt. It might seem like leading with authority without yelling or spanking is a pipe dream. But I promise you, there is a way to get there.
This research-backed 5 step process has worked wonders for me, and I wish I had this before I became a parent. But hey, it’s never too late. So, let’s dive right in!
Step 1: Hit that pause button at the center of your chest
Imagine you are Superman but now you have a pause button on your chest instead of an ‘S’. That “pause” is your superpower!
Whenever you get agitated, hit that button, pause for 30 seconds, and take a nice long deep breath. In…. (pack your lungs and tummy) and Out……..(Very slowly through your mouth in a very thin stream). Do this 3–5 times. It will instantly ground you and bring your thinking brain back online.
If it takes longer for you to calm down don’t panic! Last night my daughter refused to take her cough medicine in the middle of the night, spit it all over my hands and pillow, and continued coughing for over an hour. I had to take deep breaths for over 5 minutes. Trust the process and keep breathing until you feel calm.
Other calming tools would include slowly counting to 30, splashing your face with cold water, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.
Step 2: Set the right expectations before going in + Meet their needs
If you are annoyed by the crying, don’t go in to stop it. If it is defiance, don’t expect immediate obedience. I agree, this is one of the hardest things you would ever have to do. But if you go in with the intention to change the behavior, it always backfires.
It’s because these intentions make us desperate and lead us to believe that we can make a kid listen when they are not able to listen. Your child’s brain cannot actively decide to defy you since thoughtful decisions require a well-developed pre-frontal cortex; which only matures when they are 25–26!
Instead, be curious. What is bothering my child at this moment? Why is she behaving this way right now? This shifts the focus to understanding their underlying needs rather than obsessing over the behavior. Maybe they are hungry, thirsty, over-stimulated, etc. Meet those needs and life becomes easier.
Every adult wants to be understood when they are having a hard time. The same applies to kids. So go in with the intention to understand, validate, and provide comfort.
Step 3: Firmly enforce boundaries but be kind while doing it
Let’s say their basic needs are met but still they continue to defy and not listen to you. The most common reason why toddlers don’t listen is because they don’t yet understand cause-effect relationships.
So, when you say you are going to turn off the TV in 20 minutes don’t give in if they start crying. Just give a gentle reminder during the last 5 minutes and follow through. This gives them confidence that we mean what we say and there are boundaries to be respected.
Don’t repeat yourself like a parrot, just say it once or twice and immediately follow through. But make sure these boundaries align with your / your family values. It’s so easy to just keep saying no to everything without even realizing it.
We can’t expect them to know this magically. This is an integral part of teaching them how the world works so there is no reason to be rude, angry, or sarcastic while doing it.
A kid is having a hard time understanding a boundary and his mom is offering support.
They might not like it and they are entitled to be upset about it. They might even say or do things to hurt you. Just let them know with a calm demeanor that it is not ok, stop engaging verbally, and relocate them or yourself if necessary.
Don’t take it personally as their brains are struggling to get to terms with what is considered completely unfair so they don’t hate you even if they say so. With consistent enforcement and kindness along the way, I guarantee you, they will learn.
For example: [Calm tone] “Baby, I know you are excited right now, but I can’t let you hit me. Hitting hurts others and it’s not ok (enforce). Let’s use gentle hands like this (provide an alternate solution and show them how to do it).”
She keeps hitting, and then you say, “I guess you are having a hard time using gentle hands, I am going to hold your hands so that no one gets hurt (reinforce). Let’s go read your favorite book and have fun! (redirect)”. Expect some pushbacks but we can use gentle methods to help them with the transition.
One trick that I found to be particularly helpful for redirection is to combine two things they like. It’s an offer they can’t resist.
My daughter likes “Tamatoa” (the giant crab from Moana, don’t know why) and stories in general. So I often cook up a story about how when Tamatoa was a baby, he went through a similar situation and what he learned. This method of redirection works for my kid since she is very much into stories. You can experiment and find a similar one for your kid.
Later when things have settled down and they are in the mood to listen, we can explain why hitting is not ok and how using gentle hands is kind (teaching)! I usually find books like these to be tremendously helpful for teaching/skill building:
Step 4: Co-regulate
Now you have enforced a boundary but your kid doesn’t seem to take it well. You tried to redirect but that doesn’t work either. That’s totally fine. There is a way to help your child process their emotions without you disconnecting and that’s called co-regulation.
Effective co-regulation is all about passing our calm to our kids so that they can calm down their nervous system and make better sense of their feelings.
How to do this, you ask? Follow these rules/tips:
- Listen to your body, meet your needs first, and stay regulated. If you find it difficult, return to step 1. Stay present. Your kid is just having a hard time, and this is a part of their growth. It won’t last forever.
- Do not teach! This is not the time.
- Use a calm voice/tone. If talking is only making things worse just limit the number of words you say (a simple, “there there”, “I understand”, or “It is hard”, would suffice), or just don’t say anything at all.
- Assume a non-threatening stance. Get down below their eye level. This tells their lizard brain, which is so active at this point, that you are not a threat. Avoid direct eye contact if the situation calls for it. Sometimes direct eye contact can be threatening to kids so read your kid’s reaction and just say what you have to say by looking elsewhere.
- To be touched or not is child-dependent. Some kids hate it when you hold them (mine for example) while others love to be held. Read the signs and trust your instincts.
- Move them to a place that’s less happening, with less stimulus.
- Ask for help whenever possible. When I feel overwhelmed, I always tag-team it with my wife.
Step 4: Give it time
During step 3 you might feel like you are getting nowhere with your kid; that’s your behavior controlling brain talking. Remember, our job is to provide support/direction and their job is to express their emotions. So, let’s stick to our lane and focus on what we can do to help; being present and providing support.
One day I had to deal with my toddler’s meltdown for 20 minutes. I didn’t even know what triggered it but that’s how it is sometimes.
If this is a very common occurrence that lasts for more than 25 minutes or if you feel something is off, please consult your pediatrician. They might be dealing with something else that requires careful diagnosis.
Step 5: Don’t give a damn when you mess up
Let’s say you yelled at your kid even after following the first 4 steps. Your inner critic might say: “What’s wrong with me? Why did I yell? I committed to not yelling for a week and I can’t keep that up. How messed up should my life be for me to be such a colossal failure?!”
This voice is the sum of all the expectations you had to live up to until this point and how badly you were criticized when you did not meet them.
People also like to make us think that we are too special to fail; “You know better”, “this is so not you”, or “You are better than this”. But let me burst that bubble.
You are human. No matter how special you are, nothing can stop you from occasionally screwing up.
Society has this unrealistic bias for perfection, and we subconsciously pass on this burden to the next generation when we don’t cut them slack. It only leads to an anxious and insecure adulthood. It’s time we break this cycle and start living our best lives.
For us to be ok when our child messes up, we need to be ok when we mess up.
So, the next time you lose it, catch yourself before you enter the shame spiral, and don’t give a damn about what your inner critic (or anyone) thinks of you; it’s of no use to anyone.
The best thing you can do now is repair and commit to an alternate way of handling the situation should it happen again.
For example: “I’m sorry I yelled. Daddy was tired and hungry. Next time I am going to make sure I grab a quick bite before we play”. No blame; just committing to an alternate behavior.
Next time you fail, your apology might look like, “Sorry I yelled again. Seems like I am having a hard time spotting my hunger cues. I will make sure I notice what’s going on in my body while I am getting agitated”. You genuinely analyze what went wrong, find the root cause, and commit to change.
If you fail multiple times under similar situations and seem to be struggling to find a root cause, “I will make sure I consult a professional to understand my triggers better” is also a valid commitment. This is how you continuously improve.
Your journey is unique to you. Give yourself all the grace in the world. It is by no means a free pass. But it leads us to practical solutions without punishing ourselves for being human.
Enablers to help you succeed
There are many things you can do outside of these 5 steps to increase your chances of success:
- Find a self-care routine and schedule it on your calendar. Sleep well. Eat nutritious food. Exercise. Go for a nice walk in the sun. Prioritize yourself. It is impossible to take care of others when your battery is low.
- Treat yourself with respect. If you eat their leftovers, wipe their drippy nose with your shirt, and feel devalued after doing so, it’s time to stop. Be honest with yourself if these things affect your self-esteem.
- Research whether your child’s struggles are developmentally appropriate. Reach out to experts and ask for help if required.
- Make time for connection, play, and skill-building. Put your phone away, get down on the floor, and play with them. Build their emotional regulation skills by teaching them what you do to feel calm; model it.
- Start using assertive language. For example, (Assertive) “Looks like you are having so much fun! But it is time to do your homework now bud. We can continue with the game tomorrow” vs (Passive) “Hey, I don’t want you to stay up late ok, could you please do your homework now?”. An assertive tone is effective for enforcing boundaries.
- If you know your kid usually has a hard time transitioning between tasks, give them time, let them finish what they are doing, participate if possible, and provide gentle reminders of what is to come. We call this proactive soothing.
- Limit screen time. Research has shown that increased screen time has noticeable effects on attention.
Conclusion
It is not about hacking your kids into obedience but rather treating them with respect and empathy so they will hear you out from a place of trust. This will also enable them to form meaningful relationships as adults. So come back to this article many times until this workflow becomes your system default.
Mastering this process is like strengthening your muscles. It takes a lot of time, reps, and fails. But stay true to the process and I assure you, you will reap enormous benefits.
I would love to know what you think about this framework and what other strategies have helped you in your parenting journey. Your feedback means a lot to me so please share your thoughts in the comment section.
About the Author
My name is Sanketh. Senior Data Scientist, Certified Parent Coach, and proud dad of an adorable 2-year-old. I help South Asian parents reduce power struggles, tantrums, and meltdowns, and have a better relationship with their kids.
Be sure to follow me on Medium for more evidence-based parenting tips!
Cheers.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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