Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.
~ Helen Keller
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There were only two to avoid: (a) much older men and (b) those with children. My rules were simple and ones that for many years, I did great at following. But, as I grew more mature, several factors came into play.
The pickings got slimmer and I had less tolerance for relationship nonsense (e.g., manipulation and mental abuse). And with this came my decision to stay single — for several years, on and off. Nearly my entire dating life [as well as during marriage] I was involved with men who were childless, like me. They were also mostly within my age rain.
There were only two exceptions.
I remember back when I was on a summer college break. I was maybe 20 years young and had dated a guy who had two kids — a daughter he rarely saw and an older son. On our first date (we were headed to the beach), he brought his son.
That was three decades ago, and though we enjoyed ourselves and I made sure to engage in conversation with his son, I remember thinking I didn’t want to have to deal with a relationship involving little ones. My rationale was if I going to deal with any kids, I’d rather they were my own!
The other time I recall breaking one of my rules, was when I’d met a fellow tango dancer in 2006. Evan was (still is) 10 years my senior. While we didn’t have the ‘children’ issue to worry about, the decade gap became a big deal when he made it clear he wanted to become a father.
He was soon approaching 50 and didn’t want to wait too long before having his dream come true. During the year and a half we dated (breaking up once), I often felt like Evan was ‘testing me out’ to see if I was wife/mother material.
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Fast forward to 2021
Much happened between the beach guy and Evan. In 2009 I married Özgür. Like me, he was childless — there was no rush. He was (is) nearly four years my junior. The short version: in 2014, the divorce was finalized.
In September 2021, Samuel and I entered what would become a two-year romantic liaison. Fourteen and a half years my senior, this painter/sculptor/serigraphic guru, father of five — and grandfather of three — would be a reminder of why I had those two rules in the first place.
Without getting into the minute details (otherwise, this post will turn into an 18-minute read!), this most recent relationship taught me several things. And while his youngest son (who is now 20 years young) only moved in with him after we’d already been together for 15 months, it certainly reinforced my mindset on the whole parenting thing — when you enter a relationship with a person who has children, you must be mindful that the child will almost always take priority over your relationship with your partner.
To be clear, I’m not implying that Samuel’s son should not be a priority for him. However, there have been several occasions when I’d comment to Samuel [in private] about his son’s behavior or on a particular situation (e.g., why doesn’t he wash his clothes? or why doesn’t he wash all the dishes in the sink?) only to be met with an excuse or a remark that I shouldn’t “see any of that as an issue.”
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Lessons Learned
Life teaches us at every turn. Sometimes we ignore what she has to share, and other times it takes several times to heed her lessons.
What I learned about myself during this last romance —
- steer clear of someone much older
- avoid involvement with a man whose child(ren) lives with him
- assess your & your partner’s needs together
- nevermind regret, just prevent the same issues down the road
- listen to your heart
On this last item, I know it’s what got me into the relationship with Samuel in the first place. Our connection was magical. Though we’re no longer together, I know we are still connected.
And these experiences equal growth.
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Jajom for reading.
Catch the pre-sale of my debut poetry book, Daughter de Borikén.
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Acknowledging the Arawak, the First Peoples of Borikén, on whose unceded lands my work is created. In gratitude for and in honor of our Elders, past, present, and emerging. May my work always unapologetically and boldly uplift our wondrous Indigenous Taíno, Iñeri, and African roots.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Stephen Harlan on Unsplash
