Dismissive Avoidants: 2 Repetitive Thoughts You Must Find a Way to Beat

Have you had a hard time overriding the impulsive pieces of your brain and overruling them with sensibility and logic?

Do you need a lot of time to think through the layers of every decision you make?

It is like you are battling yourself, and it can make a decision ten times more difficult.

The good news is that you’re not alone. The bad news is that you’re not alone.

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I am only joking. To bring some sense of relief, these are common thoughts in the mind of a dismissive-avoidant.

We all have some comfort zone, whether it’s physical or mental. For the dismissive-avoidant, that comfort zone can overlap and be in one space: alone.

Unlike other attachment styles, the dismissive-avoidant finds comfort in being alone, a technique for self-soothing that can have dangerous results.

While this technique is not directly unhealthy, it can have bad results if you go down the rabbit hole of the following thoughts.

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“I am better off here”

We have all heard that the best place to set yourself is somewhere where you are not comfortable.

A dismissive-avoidant needs to apply this to their lifestyle and thought process.

You are comfortable alone for multiple reasons:

The thought of depending on someone else makes you feel weak and incapable.
You know you cannot be hurt if you are alone with your thoughts and no one is impacting your choices.
It alleviates you from being vulnerable, which is difficult for you.

The hard truth is that being alone is one of the worst places to be as a dismissive avoidant.

You will instinctively think that the resolution to any relationship issues you are dealing with is to be alone.

Your impulsive mind will tell you that you are the only person you can trust, while your sensible mind wants to work through issues.

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How do you combat this?

Resisting your desire to be alone is hard, but step number one is to get the issue out in the air and tell the other person what the problem is, but also you need time to work through it.

Do not hide. It is ok to be in the same room as someone but also be silent. Avoid moping around and grunting. Your focus is to be present.

When you are ready to talk, avoid the word you and (I)me. “You did this, so I did that.”

Instead, “ There is a feeling of disrespect when this happens.”

By reframing your sentences, you avoid the blame game that does not accomplish anything.

It also presents an issue from a mutual space rather than someone carrying the burden of being at fault. After all, how often are your issues solely one person’s fault? Be realistic as you answer that.

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“I don’t need this in my life”

To some degree, I am with you here.

If you are in an unhealthy, toxic relationship, by all means, you do not need that person in your life.

Most of the time, this is not the case. You can get on the same page as your partner with work.

The problem is that as a dismissive avoidant, you like to safeguard against any possibility of being hurt.
Something that is a yellow flag can appear as a double red flag.

Instead of staying present, you use your impulsive thoughts over your sensible mind and future forecast.

You think, if I stop an issue before it balloons, then I will never experience that pain.

I get it; I used to think the same way.

The problem is that you have skipped over every possible resolution before coming to that conclusion.

You often do not give people a chance before you shut them out. Let’s say you do give someone a chance. You still subconsciously do not have trust, and it presents itself in negative interactions whether or not you are aware of it.

So, How do you combat this?

It is a challenge for this attachment style, but you have to build trust.

You might think I mean trust in your partner or the other half of your interpersonal relationship.

You have to trust yourself first.

No, I am not saying revert to being alone and only having faith in your ability.

You have to trust the process of growing with someone, but before that happens, you should be secure within yourself.

Trust that a decision to grow with someone does not take away from you. Trust that your partner has your best interests in mind and doesn’t want to hurt you. Trust vulnerability.

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Are you going to get rid of these thoughts overnight? No.

Can you work to develop a process that helps you combat and kill these thoughts over time? Absolutely.

Remember, to get to the mountain top you must start the hike.

Want to learn about the triggers that cause these intrusive thoughts? Get a free guide here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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