How many dates have you gone on and ended up where you started?
Sometimes it just isn’t a match, but it can also be a combination of more factors than you think.
Dating is not as difficult as many people who are frustrated think.
It comes down to knowing yourself before beginning the task of getting to know another person.
I believe there is someone for everyone, but that person has to be suited to your current behaviors. How else would you “grow” as a couple?
We all come with a set of behaviors resulting from our attachment style. The good news is that you can change or grow within your attachment style over time.
The great news is once you understand your current behaviors in your attachment style, you can avoid common dating mistakes you are making.
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For the dismissive-avoidant, there are mistakes you can correct that will help you as you interact in the dating market.
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Stop Shutting down
The easiest thing for a dismissive avoidant to do is, shut down. It is your resource for security.
The hardest thing to do is express your thoughts in words instead of actions.
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- It can be difficult for you to communicate because issues could arise, and differences threaten harmony.
- A dismissive-avoidant will push away when the threat presents itself.
You have a hard time dealing with criticisms and expectations. The things you see as “issues” are common talking points.
You do not have to have deep, long-drawn conversations that you are not ready to talk through, especially with someone you are getting to know on a deeper level.
Communicate the pace at which you feel comfortable talking about subjects, and make sure you are present and attentive that it is something your partner wants to talk through.
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The waiting game
Dismissive avoidants are impatient.
There are two core reasons for this.
- Your fear of the future causes you to foreshadow future issues and roadblocks and avoid them at all costs.
- You value independence at such a high level that you are ok being alone.
The issue is that your core reasons for your impatience are personal to you and your behaviors, but you subconsciously apply them to people you date.
You will find “red flags” that are more common characteristics, but your immediate response will be to bail.
By no means should you stick around and date someone that could potentially not be a match, but do not be so quick to reject them before talking through “red flags.”
For example, I am transitioning from being a dismissive-avoidant. I used to feel that some girls were overly emotional and sorry, whiney.
As I learned about attachment theory, those “whiney” girls had to express every emotion that came to mind because that was their release.
Just because I categorized emotions as worthy of attention or not; does not mean I get to define what that means for someone else.
Be patient; I skipped over the chance to work and grow with someone and defined their growth as “ a red flag.”
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Intimacy
In this bullet, we are moving past your first handful of dates.
If you are a dismissive avoidant, you know one thing; it is hard to form intimacy.
Without you knowing, it is causing you to lose connection to the emotional bonding you build with your partner or those in the dating phase.
It isn’t to say you are incapable, but it is harder for you to open up and be vulnerable. You may not even notice that you are holding back, however.
- A vulnerability has a different definition to everyone’s expression of it. For the dismissive-avoidant, you feel weakness.
- There is another caveat to that; it causes you to see weakness in those being vulnerable to you.
When you are not building an emotional connection, other aspects of dating someone can cause you to skip over the building blocks of dating.
Have you ever noticed that you may have fun with someone but do not have deep feelings for them?
Form the connection by exposing pieces of yourself as someone you’re dating does. It may be difficult but try a 1:1 trade in telling a story of a vulnerable area in your life.
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As you can see, we covered some topics at the root of healthy relationships: communication, vulnerability, acceptance, intimacy, and many factors that create bonds.
The good news about being the dismissive-avoidant is that you do want a deep connection. It takes time to form that bond due to your hesitation to invest.
Stop future forecasting and live in the present.
I have been in your position before. It can be scary to trust someone new and to have that bond broken. Guess what?
The person you are dating has the same fears too. Your attachment style causes you to prevent the unknown.
Stop making these common mistakes, and when you feel the energy from these topics seeping into your life, remember that these issues are common to your attachment style and less personal.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Alan Quirvan on Unsplash