Take a deep breath and imagine this scenario.
You just had an issue with a partner; you are trying to process your thoughts, but it’s not easy to do at first.
You want to be present and talk about your feelings, but it is hard, and you need time to think.
You start to feel weak and surrounded by pressure.
When you have finally processed your emotions, your partner is angry at you because they feel it took you forever to come to the table.
Now you feel overwhelmed by expectations, shut down, and only feel safe being alone.
Wait, how did he do that? I’ve been in that exact scenario before.
Don’t panic; you’re not alone. You are dealing with the internal struggle of most dismissive avoidants, however.
The scenario above is the cycle for a dismissive avoidant who faces conflict.
You struggle with the result of conflict because, in certain situations, it hits your core wounds and triggers.
What if I told you there was a way to navigate this scenario, calm your triggers, and move forward happily?
Well, let’s get to it.
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Read the map
No matter what attachment style I am writing about, I remind you of something you must do.
You cannot start at the mountain top; enjoy the hike.
What is the first thing you would do if you were starting a hike? You would read a map.
Your map starts by understanding the triggers you are facing that cause you to shut down during conflict.
The dismissive-avoidant struggles with five core triggers. High expectations, vulnerability, criticism, lack of acknowledgment, and volatility in relationships.
Let’s do ourselves a favor; write these down, memorize them, and never ignore these.
Let’s go back to the scenario from the beginning of this article.
When approached with conflict, you feel the weight and expectation of sharing your feelings.
You have to let go of that view and realize that your partner is coming to you with the issue and nothing more.
Ideally, your partner brought up the issue peacefully and wanted to talk.
Focus is key here. I am not telling you to eliminate everything you know, but you have to let the issue be the issue and nothing more.
When faced with an issue, your immediate thought is, “I am defective.”
You think you have let your partner down and that they are being overly critical. Then, you feel distant from your partner.
Stop. Let the issue be the issue.
Remember that feelings are temporary. When someone approaches you with a problem, they’re not necessarily blaming you.
They’re communicating, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Can we talk?”
Keep the ball rolling
We’ll stick with the scenario to eliminate the triggers.
We have crossed out criticism and expectations by letting the issue be the issue and understanding that our partner wants to talk.
It sounds like a heavy lift, but instead of thinking you need time to process your feelings, let out what is on your mind.
Your partner will be more receptive to, “ I feel stuck right now. I feel a little overwhelmed, but let’s try and break this down,” instead of “ I need time to think.”
Let your partner know you are present and open to slowly progressing through the issue.
Again, our scenario is not an outrageous blow-up argument but a partner coming to you out of love.
They can acknowledge that you slowly progress through the talking points and allow you the time to be open and vulnerable.
Remember, feelings are temporary; they do not last forever.
Again, get the ball rolling and let out whatever is on your mind.
The mental block that prevents you from doing it is you feel weak when you are vulnerable and let out feelings.
Others feel empowered when they are vulnerable and released.
It goes back to the expectation piece. Do you ever feel like your partner has one thousand talking points about an issue?
You feel overwhelmed because they can release what is on their mind, and you don’t. You, again, feel defective because you think you can’t.
Readjust your mental process and understand that releasing your feelings is powerful. Holding them in weakens you over time.
Winner winner, chicken dinner
We have knocked out four of the five triggers with simple steps.
So how do we knock out number five?
Take a deep inhale, and now release.
Guess what? Taking the simple steps above, you have set the foundation for eliminating the fifth trigger without addressing it directly.
Now, we’ll be mindful and recognize volatility in our relationship, but you have created a path where it won’t exist.
Your partner wants to feel like you see them and hear that the issues they bring up are for empowerment as a couple.
They are not belittling you and trying to tear you apart. It is the exact opposite.
They want to know they can come to the table with a problem, and you will be able to talk it out as a unit and come to a resolution.
Volatility presents itself when it turns into a battle between who is right and who is wrong.
It becomes worse when you shut down and isolate yourself because you do not trust them.
The key to any relationship is building trust, and the steps above create a method to do it.
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Don’t take on the weight of this alone.
You aren’t always dealing with a securely attached partner who brings up conflict perfectly.
You are not the only one who needs to grow and understand your attachment style.
You need to understand how your attachment styles counteract each other and put pillars in place that help you communicate effectively.
I am so passionate about the dismissive-avoidant transition because I was you. I still am on my path to transitioning into a securely attached individual.
Let’s enjoy this ride together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Jonathan Borba on Unsplash