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“Divorce is a horrible thing and has scarred me . . .”
On first read, one might assume this statement was made by a woman. In fact, it was said by a man.
In a May article for London’s The Telegraph, writer Lucy Cavendish exposed some of the unexpected grief and depression men experience after a divorce. Surprising for the men. And for the women. The quote was from Tom Scott, one of several men she interviewed after their divorces.
Men’s mental distress following a divorce is unexpected because, as Cavendish reminds readers, “we hear a lot about women and divorce: the woman ends up alone–generally with the children. She has little money. She loses social status . . . economic security, finds it hard to get work (she has the kids). On and on it goes . . . ”
Meanwhile, societal stereotypes have long painted a picture of the recently unchained husband as playboy. Buoyed by his newfound freedom, we believe he is ‘playing the field’ night after night. And while even the divorced men themselves might want us [and themselves] to believe they adapt well and quickly to the independence of a divorced lifestyle, researchers and mental health professionals are finding the truth is very different.
In an article for the Canadian online edition of The Huffington Post, Robert Whitley investigated the status of the mental health of middle aged men. Labelling it “the grim reality”, he explained that in Canada, men between the ages of 40-60 have the highest rate of suicide. Moreover, Whitley added, “research suggests that middle-aged men experience divorce and separation particularly hard. This can be a painful process, with men often losing their children, savings, friends, home and reputation”.
Like Canada’s statistics, the male suicide numbers in the U.S. are four times higher than female numbers—and divorce is one of the greatest risk factors. In addition to higher rates of suicide post-divorce, more men than women suffer weight gain, alcohol addiction and other mental illnesses after divorce.
“Yes, that is right, men struggle with divorce,” wrote Kyle Morrison in the American online version of The Huffington Post. “They are not automatons, things without feelings who can brush off the loss of a long-term relationship with ease and nary a backwards glance.”
Morrison explained that both men and women go through a grieving process after the breakdown of their marriage, experiencing the loss similar to the death of a family member. Following the stereotype of the newly divorced man, however, some men deal with their grief by throwing themselves “into extreme situations that end up being quite self-destructive”, such as alcohol, drugs, work, ‘clubbing’ and dating.
“Men recovering from divorce need to put aside the quest to make themselves feel better through short-term self-esteem boosting activities,” Morrison added. He suggests the best way for men to recover from divorce is to allow themselves to “[move] through the phases of grief . . . coming out the end with a new outlook and a new life.”
Morrison advocates sage advice, as a divorced man himself and the father of two sons. For some men, Morrison’s suggestions are feasible. For others, they are not.
In 2015, Vancouver Sun newspaper columnist Douglas Todd wrote about the devastating effects on a young metro Vancouver man after a difficult separation from his wife and child. Todd described the results as “the hidden danger in divorce”. After the separation, the man experienced “sadness, shame and isolation” as a result of seeing so little of his young son.
Distraught, “the man kicked a hole in a wall and broke his foot one night,” wrote Todd. “[He] went to an emergency department, exploding with emotion, and was told, after receiving a cast, to come back later. He killed himself later that day.”
Canadian Mental Health Association statistics show men are three to four times more likely to commit suicide than women. And, like American studies report, “marital breakdown is often a factor”. The stigma against men finding therapy is part of the problem.
Todd referred to Professor John Oliffe, a psychology researcher at the University of British Columbia (B.C.), who works with a team trying to improve the suicide numbers for men. “Divorce is a tipping point for a lot of guys,” said Oliffe. “These men become socially isolated. There are so many examples of good men’s lives ending prematurely.”
In Todd’s article, Theo Boere, head of The Men’s Centre in Nanaimo, B.C., said he believes women have more time to process the idea of separation because in two-thirds of North American divorces, they initiate the idea. “[Men] do their emotional processing in an environment stripped of their familiar connections, including their ex-partner, their children and often mutual friends of the relationship,” Boere said. “They’re basically alone.”
In Canada and the U.S., more organizations like Boere’s are slowly opening their doors. According to its mission, The Men’s Centre offers “support and referrals to men . . . [and] promotes community awareness regarding men and men’s issues”. In the U.S., such groups and campaigns as Man Therapy have similar aims—to reduce male suicide statistics and remove the stigma surrounding male mental illnesses and the challenges resulting from divorce, separation and countless other reasons.
References
Cavendish, L., (May 4, 2017). The Telegraph. How do men really cope after divorce? http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/do-men-really-cope-divorce/
Morrison, K., (May 1, 2013). HuffingtonPost.com. Men After Divorce: Ego, Self Esteem, & Recovery. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kyle-morrison/men-after-divorce-ego-sel_b_3145814.html
Todd, D., (February 21, 2015). Vancouver Sun. Douglas Todd: Men and suicide: The silent epidemic. http://vancouversun.com/news/staff-blogs/men-and-suicide-the-silent-epidemic
Whitley, R., (June 8, 2017). HuffingtonPost.ca. We Can’t Ignore This Silent Crisis In Men’s Mental Health. http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/robertwhitley/middle-aged-men-mental-health_b_17002096.html
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