A Psychology Today article asserted that 25 to 50% of marriages end up devoid of sex.
That’s a lot of dead bedrooms.
One of my greatest fears is being trapped in a sexless relationship again. And apparently, I’m not alone.
What is sexless?
Having less intimacy than ten times a year.
I didn’t have even close to that in my marriage. Less than once in ten years was more like it.
And it wasn’t only sex that was missing. It was a deader-than-dead bedroom and living room (or any room). We sat in separate areas and rarely communicated. Lack of sex was just one of many of our problems.
I decided I had enough. After 24 years of mostly nothing, I pulled the plug.
It wasn’t easy to leave a long-term marriage. There was plenty of fallout. I was the “bad guy.”
“How could you do this to him?” friends asked.
“He’s in bad shape and doesn’t understand why you left.”
“He doesn’t deserve this, ya know.”
Yeah, my ex was perfect on the outside. And no one saw what went on behind closed doors.
The pain.
Angry silences.
The coldness.
Grey divorces are on the rise (of which I’m one of the statistics). Women are looking for passionate love in their 50s and 60s. And they have the ability to choose their own destiny now more than ever. That means it’s out with their “safe and boring” husbands and in with a “hot and sexy” lover.
I just wanted out of a terrible choice I made in my 20s. Sure, I wanted sex, but that wasn’t the ONLY reason. Would I arrive in the same sexless spot in ten years?
What if I landed in a dead bedroom again??
With my new man.
Novelty fades and new partners become “old” partners soon enough.
Look at the “Coolidge” effect for both sexes.
The article describes the anecdote.
One of my favorite psychology concepts involves American President Calvin Coolidge. The story goes that his wife was visiting a farm one day and saw a rooster mating with vigor. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.”
Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” To which President Coolidge is rumored to have replied, “Same hen each time?”
The reply was, “Oh no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.”
President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
Novelty disappears, and partners need more stimulation in order to find their sexual desire again. Looking for “new and different” lovers increases the libido. Chemical reactions in the brain cause the dopamine pleasure hormone to be released.
“Will I be enough?” I thought.
“Will he be enough?”
Those thoughts rolled around in my head.
Brain chemistry is brain chemistry.
Being aroused by the same person for decades can be nearly impossible. It makes you wonder if your low-libido partner is only low-libido for you. Would they be aroused by another new and different person?
Probably.
I also think you become attached to a person because of the “cuddly” hormones like oxytocin, and that warmth supersedes the purely sexual one that you started with. Yet, if you try to keep that sexual spark alive, it’s possible to keep both your flames burning.
Do all marriages end up sexless? Not if you try.
My relationship has communication and warmth that my previous marriage lacked.
Sex is only a piece of it.
True intimacy is all about caring, attention, and listening. I’m learning that the little things mean a lot: saying thank you, being kind, and loving gestures — all things that I didn’t have with my ex.
Desire is just one of the building blocks of a successful union.
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Tell me if you are in a “sexless” marriage or relationship in the comments. And how you manage.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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I don’t understand why Western society is so sex-obsessed. This is like the Pizza Effect. If you like a cheese-laden pizza and wait for the weekend to have it as a part of your relaxed ‘cheat’ diet, you enjoy it. You see it as a reward for the week-long discipline. Sexuality is the same. If you make everything about sex, and oversexualize every single element of life, ranging from selling cars to burgers to deodorants, then the magic of an intimate non-sexual understanding will go away. That’s called pair-bonding. If you don’t bond and go only by what’s told on… Read more »