Why can’t we be honest with each other about what we want and need from a relationship?
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Have you ever played the telephone game? This was one of my favorite things to do as a Cub Scout Leader. I would set the kids in a line and whisper something in the ear of one of the boys on the end of the line. He would then repeat what I said to the next boy, and they would progress down the line, each getting a turn. When the message made it to the end of the line, the boy at the end would repeat what he heard to the group, and the final message rarely resembled the original statement. Misunderstandings happen effortlessly in our world.
This may or may not be a big deal when it involves a relatively insignificant message between a group of boys, but the same thing happens with important messages between adults. When we try to communicate our needs, wants and desires to another person, they may or may not truly get what we are saying. What’s even more dangerous is when we don’t even make an attempt at communication.
A Google search of what women want from their husbands reveals countless lists with titles like “10 things women want from their husband but will never tell them.” Guys, before you go thinking that this phenomenon is unique to women, there are just as many lists about men’s secret desires and their unwillingness to share them.
We all want in on a secret.
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The people writing these lists have obviously tapped into a formula that draws attention. We all want in on a secret. But, the divorce rates in the US seem to suggest there is some truth to the idea that husbands and wives aren’t sharing their true needs with each other and working to meet them. The lists appear to be more than slick marketing.
Why can’t we be honest with each other about what we want and need from a relationship? Is it because we don’t know ourselves? For some people, this is probably true. We aren’t satisfied with something in the relationship, but it’s easier to deny and bury the problem than to do the hard work of uncovering the root causes of our dissatisfaction. When our issues are known to us, it can still be easier to live in denial. Once we name it, we have to do something with it, and inaction seems often to be the easier, or at least less painful, course.
Perhaps we want to spare the women in our lives the pain of our truth. We’re nice guys, right? We bury our feelings so we don’t hurt them. Over time, though, this burden becomes to much to keep contained and spills over. Ultimately, the misguided attempt to save their feelings by having one discussion leads to ongoing distance, tension, and frustration that, if left unresolved, may permeate the entire relationship.
Perhaps we want to spare the women in our lives the pain of our truth. We’re nice guys, right? We bury our feelings so we don’t hurt them. Over time, though, this burden becomes to much to keep contained and spills over.
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Maybe we’re scared that sharing our true feelings, revealing our true selves to our wives will lead to them reject us, so we refuse to share our needs. This approach leads to us rejecting ourselves (our thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires) in the hopes that our wives won’t reject us. This self-denial leads us to a diminished version of ourselves. Again, cue the inevitable bitterness, frustration and anger.
Could it be that we just want someone who understands us, and don’t think we should have to explain our desires? We just want a woman who “gets” us. She should know what we want, and why we withdraw when we don’t get it. If you’ve ever been in a situation with someone who understands how you feel without you needing to explain it, you know how liberating it can be. Their understanding validates your feelings.
Could it be that we just want someone who understands us, and don’t think we should have to explain our desires? We just want a woman who “gets” us.
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While this is a wonderful thing when it happens, we are all unique human beings, with our own emotional needs and experiences. Even someone in tune with our emotional response to one circumstance probably won’t see our point of view in the next without some communication from us. Mind readers do not exist; don’t saddle anyone in your life with the burden of unrealistic expectations. If your needs are not being met in the relationship, your wife or girlfriend deserves nothing less than the truth, your truth, spoken in love, to her only.
Whatever the reasons for our reluctance to share our needs, the only solution to meaningful long-term relationships and marriages is to speak up when our needs aren’t being met. We must get beyond our fears and limiting behaviors and share our true selves.
Relationships suffer with anything less. People suffer with anything less.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Yep. I understand. If I’ve had that sort of impact, Jon, then it was bandwidth well spent my friend. It’s a process, a journey out of darkness for a great many men it seems. It’s good that there are people here writing, challenging, helping, but I think it takes more than that. I think it takes more guys helping guys. It takes guys like myself jumping into the ring so as to assure them that they are NOT, by expressing themselves emotionally, moving away from that masculinity they may feel is not theirs, but closer to it, to holistic masculinity… Read more »
No judgment here. Nothing but deep appreciation for your service, both to your country, and to your fellow man. God Bless.
To answer the question, Hell yes that is what guys want. Everything else sells books. The problem is that we are not getting it, and we are not getting it because we are doing everything that everyone else tells us to do. The entire dating paradigm is set against this. it is why I’m so in disfavor of the chivalry game. It does nothing to help a man learn whether a women will get him or not because he’s not being him, not paying attention, not focusing on evaluating her but spending the night, “Trying to show a gal a… Read more »
DJ You tell men to evaluate the women they date. Evaluate. But why not tell men to express what they want and need from women ? I have asked several men to tell me exactly that but what they answer is always either about sex, a job, economy,education and to better their chanse on the job market but not anything about what they want from the relationship with a woman. Before I left my husband that was never there for me, I asked him “What do you want?” He answered “I want you”. For him it was impossible to express… Read more »
Thanks Kim and DJ for reading and for the discussion. Kim, some people are simply emotionally unavailable, and sadly, many men have been conditioned to be just that. Society tells them that is bad to have feelings, life is all about conquest. It can lead a man to completely lose touch with his emotional needs and not acknowledge them, even to himself. I am sorry for your pain, but I hope you have found peace in a new life.
Blessings on your day.
Exactly, Jon. Seen it written, but never better then you’ve just done.
I do, Kim, but we guys are sometimes cement heads…which is why we miss the good one’s, and why we sometimes mess things up. Certainly not all of us, but enough to make a statement. The only reason that everyone else gets to tell us what to do is because we tend not to stand up and say what we want, what we need. Trust me, I know how frustrating it can be for some women. The answer from your ex is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, the worst answer in the world. Your example is as familiar… Read more »
DJ, you literally just brought tears to my eyes. I have walked your road, but, thank God that I could see the hammer falling, and woke up before it was too late. Thats what brought me here, to learn and grow. Guys, listen up: Being open, honest, and available is the only way.
My reply went out of sync, Jon, but its up there. perhaps that’s a good thing, because it is also an open letter to other guys.
KIM, In a relationship: Sex. Regular, somewhat frequent, and most of all mutually satisfyng… Also to have fun. Travel together, share the experience of the wonder that is life. See what the World looks like from the next mountin top. But most of all, some kind of recognition of the effort I put in for our relationship, our mutual best. Some recognition that I am not a machine. That you can not heap eveything upon me and expect me to just shrug it off and not letting it get to me. I want to be able to be emotional, vulnerable… Read more »
Flyingkal
This is well articulated !