People end relationships or stop dating people for a lot of nonsensical reasons.
But there is a simple explanation. And it’s not you.
“I’m saving up for a house.”,
“My best friend broke up with their fiancé.”,
“You need to go find yourself.”,
“This won’t work out, you’ll just be unhappy.”,
“I don’t like the way we communicate.”,
“I’m too busy.”
You might have heard some variation of these lines or something else. The interesting part is these statements don’t show up until the END of the relationship.
Why? What’s going on behind the scenes?
Where did these problems suddenly come from?
When a lot of the problems surface
I was in couples therapy with my (now ex) fiance years ago. We were trying to “be happy” again, but the fundamental flaw with our relationship was our lack of communication.
As I’ve grown and become more aware, one of the issues I have noticed with subsequent partners and others, in general, is that we approach love and relationships from a faulty angle.
Instead of growth, change, and shared experience, we are selfish about what we want from relationships.
We want the relationship without the real effort it takes. Vulnerability, communication, or compromise.
My ex-fiance had a rude awakening in therapy. Our relationship was codependent and toxic, but it wasn’t un-salvageable. The therapist pointed something out to her.
I wasn’t solely to blame for all of our problems.
She knew some of her perspectives had to change, but that required effort. The next day, she came home and dropped a huge bomb. “We need time apart”. Or rather, she did.
According to her, my ex was “lost”, “unhappy”, and “suffocated”.
This wasn’t a discussion that was up for debate. She decided on the fate of the relationship without my consent.
I didn’t know what attachment theory was, or what “avoidants” and “anxious” people were at the time.
As I’ve learned, this was her method for self-preservation — a deactivating strategy avoidant people use to end relationships when they feel overwhelmed.
She left for about a week and then came back with her “final verdict”. It was over.
We lived together for another month, and I did my best to extract as much information from her, but I never got a solid reason why she ended it. I was always met with deflection and gaslighting.
During these interactions, I absorbed the majority of her problems. I internalized her grievances towards me.
In these types of codependent, anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics, the avoidant is usually the one who suddenly ends the relationship.
The person on the receiving end experiences a lot of self-doubt, criticism, and shame. This tends to perpetuate the heartache of a discard.
Like many avoidant partners who initiate a breakup like this, she was out partying, socializing, and living life as usual about a week or two later.
Is it okay to leave without working on the problems?
So the question is, like her, do avoidant partners have good reasons for stonewalling, breaking up, distancing themselves, ghosting, or discarding you and the relationship?
Yes and No.
To the one doing the discarding, yes, they feel justified.
Usually, the “problems” were brewing for a while, and to them, it seemed justifiable to leave, and even though they never communicated, to their perception, the problem was always there and you should have known about it and done something to fix it.
The reasons for leaving could include anything from legitimate things such as abuse, cheating, addiction, or some other behavior to vague, nebulous reasons “I don’t have time for you.”, “I feel lost and unhappy.”, “You’re too boring”, “We’re not compatible”.
For the person experiencing a discard, no, the reasons are not valid.
I mentioned avoidant partners leave when they feel overwhelmed. Depending on the person, this threshold may be quite low or higher.
But they never sit with the uncomfortable feelings. They don’t self reflect on these emotions.
Romantic relationships are more often than not the first (and only) casualty for their emotional relief. Even if the relationship was long term. To them, it doesn’t matter.
They don’t care.
Except for the more egregious problems that I mentioned, like abuse, they’re often excuses.
As an example, one girlfriend ghosted me and discarded the relationship. To this day I still don’t have an exact reason as to why. Only speculation.
I went out of my way to probe for answers from her. She responded in two different ways on separate days. To paraphrase:“I don’t have time.” “You’re too boring.”
Yet… weeks earlier she said straight to my face “I think I like you, Paul, no, I definitely like you!”
I get it. People grow apart, conflict happens and relationships sour, but we spent weeks together. We didn’t have any real issues.
How long does it take to know whether you get along with someone?
I still think about this situation. For a while, I let it get to me. I let her reality dictate my emotional experiences, which has made it hard to move on.
Why do people come up with convenient excuses?
Like a couple of my previous girlfriends, avoidant partners who discard a relationship will fabricate believable problems to use as excuses.
As the name suggests, avoidants will avoid any uncomfortable feelings associated with relationship dialogue. That, and they fear being vulnerable with a truly loving partner. As I see it, if it was a problem, where was the communication?
Or, the problem wasn’t real so there’s nothing to discuss.
What they are running from is a fear of commitment, intimacy, engulfment (perceived loss of independence), or overwhelming feelings of real relationship conflict.
If you wholeheartedly buy into all of their reasons it can leave you feeling massive amounts of grief, anxiety, shame, or embarrassment. When I lost these partners, I internalized everything.
I spent at least a year grieving one relationship. I let everything she said about the relationship eat at me from the inside out.
I felt resentful towards a few of the partners who unexpectedly left because they practically walked away “Scott-free” while I spent weeks and months processing all of it.
You might ask, “How do you know what they felt afterward?”
I’ve left people too.
While I mostly experience anxious tendencies in relationships, I have quit relationships due to my avoidant side. I’m not proud of it, but I know the thought process first-hand for why my avoidant partners did what they did.
I wasn’t emotionally capable in a few relationships. I made up excuses for myself to leave one woman I had been seeing for a couple weeks over a year ago.
I thought I was, but I just wasn’t ready for a relationship.
In a more recent relationship, I simply didn’t want to be in it. I wasn’t in the right mindset because I still had unprocessed grief. This breakup was mutual; we realized we weren’t right for each other. It was so easy to move on from that one. I had no emotional ties to it.
…
In conclusion,
When we learn to stop internalizing all of the problems a partner might have with us, we begin to take back our power. Those are their issues to worry about.
Because some of those problems are insecurities being projected onto us. We can’t change anything about that.
If we make excuses every time we leave a relationship without trying to heal it, we will learn nothing. The cycle will continue.
…
Are you interested in more advice like this?
Subscribe to my Substack and unlock weekly exclusive insights that inspire, challenge, and transform.
Let’s grow together. Sign up now!
…
If you liked this article, follow me here on Medium.
I post new articles 2 to 3 times per week.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Bernard Hermant on Unsplash
